Ungodly Orphans

I've got upwards of 600 views... I must have some lurkers about. Heheh.
Sorry this was such a long time coming, my laptop's wireless card is pretty fickle.

Anyway, here's one of those subtly-racist tracts I mentioned last time. I'll admit, it'll be kind of hard to mock the art itself (this is one drawn by Fred Carter), but it's kind of obvious Chick was domineering this doomed ship... just pay attention to the ideas in it, you'll figure it out pretty quick. If you happen to be white, this tract will not make you love Jesus. If you happen to be black, however, keep reading and see if Chick's magic will work on you. Because he made it specifically for you. I'm sort of offended at how simplistic it is, too, but I'm reading too much into that.

And one last thing... the adapted version of Allah Had No Son looks like a poorly photoshopped version of its original.
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Oh, god. The zombie invasion is coming.... Billy the Kid's mummified hand clutching a noose in the middle of the Arizona desert... start stockpiling your clean underwear, people. I'll be in my underground bunker, as always.

All have sinned. Basketball players, Jesus with short hair (who knew?), what looks like a single mother or an abortion patient or an 'immodest' woman, fat men with sticklike noses, pimps, hoes, and palsied kids listening to music and pretending to be a zombie are all led through the Valley of Flaming Toupees by a hairy man-goat (or typical Insane Clown Posse fan..)

Muahahha! Suffer, pimps, hoes, single mothers and palsied children! Suffer!!!

Oh, man, he's so excited. He must have found a quarter on the cliff in front of him.
And that quote is kind of unfortunate. It's kind of ironic that Jack follows a way which seemeth right unto a man....

HAHAHAH, what? "In sin did my mother conceive me"? Er, okay, are there any other modes of conception that don't involve sin? Remember, kids: Godly people are immaculately conceived. All of them. Ask your parents where you came from, and if they say something other than "you poofed into existence via Jesus Magic", then you are a filthy, filthy sinner.

All exalt the sentient baby! If you wave at him, he'll wave back!

I've seen this devil thing before. How unoriginal. Except this one's not as benevolent, or interesting, as that movie.

I don't get the random death quote though. Is death like having Pan trick you into bondage?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a Chick tract, not an ass-backwards postmodern thing where the cow takes the people away. The people in this panel agree too, considering how hard they're vibrating. The little goat guy has to slick the ground down with crude oil and slide them, I suppose.

-chuck- Off ya go, losers! Enjoy the hellfire! -toss- -smack- -thud- -sizzle- YAAAAA
So far I don't think any of this makes any sense. It's a big, simplified, misdirected metaphor. How is this supposed to convert people? Is the first thought that leaps to mind when you see people dumped into flames in front of their kid "AMEN JESUS!!!"? Again, with the suffering. I don't see how it's spreading around Godliness. I do see, however, that Jack Chick is a sadist.

Isn't Gawd usually much taller than everyone else? Why does God imagine crying children with crucifixes behind them, like that's what they're crying about? What a self-important asshole. Can't he just conjure up some satisfaction because he's Almighty God and whatnot, without tormenting children? ..... haha, you knew the answer to that one; no.

I find it very, very surprising that Chick doesn't have any qualms about portraying Jesus as black. It is closer to what he was though, middle eastern.

"For God sent not a big black arrow into the sky to misdirect Jesus on his way down to the Great Ear-ish Moon, but that he would know where to go because his thoughts were preoccupied with the salvation of random kneeless children."

I'm sorry, this just.... the..... Jesus seemed to have missed a step off the God Cloud.... "Bye, Jesus"... too much stimulus at one time.

Bahaha! Pay the toll first, zombie Jesus! Pay the $5 to see the Wolf Child Rufus!

"Hey, okay, how about this. You get to nail me to a big wooden T, I bleed profusely and die violently and painfully on a mountaintop, suffer as much as I can, and then I can have Wolf Child Rufus. Sound okay?"
"Dude, no. $5. What do I need your flayed corpse for? I mean, it's not going to be a guaranteed salvation thing, people can still reject you and stuff. I don't know why you didn't bother safeguarding your whole salvation theory to where there's no other option besides worshipping you, you are GOD, but... well.... alright, I guess. You'll cheapen it by resurrecting, but... alright. More souls for me."

HAHAHAAHAHA! Oh, man, what is that, some spontaneous hair growth syndrome? Do you bleed hair or something? Weirdo! HAHAAH!

Oh, great, the last thing that kid needs is to see more people die in front of him. That's good for his psychological well-being.

And so Pan put him in a giant ceramic pot for three days and three nights, watching his body decay the whole time....

HE IS RISEN! Pan shakes in his backward, bowlegged cleats! Who's your savior now, bitch? Jesusman, Jesusman, doing the things that Jesus can.

"Hey kid, remember that time I hung from thick rusted nails in my hands and bled all over the ground beneath me as I rotted in the hot sun? I..."

"Please, mister, stop talking to me about this. It's scaring me."
"Aw, come on, it's a cool story! Really? You sure you don't want to hear it? Positive? Well, okay, I'll go have some guys write it down for me so you can read it later if you want. I'm gonna call it something catchy, like Hangin' Out, or The Bible, or That Time I Won a Bet and Saw Rufus the Wolf-Child. Anyway, see ya. Enjoy your salvation."

Hey! You! Wing Guy! Yeah, you! Get away from Rufus! Jesus won him first! You can't steal him! You didn't earn him!

.... Jesus was also opposed to decent grammar. I don't remember that part of the bible, but I think something in there said education was important. Apparently King James didn't bother reading it.

And they ascended at a funny angle into a large, weightless vat of cottage cheese, and the little boy ran to Anonymous. Legal proceedings will follow.

Now it's a stereotypical hat-wearing...er... Macedonian, burka-wearer, Chinese man with SARS, and a fat white guy. I had no idea Chick was so xenophobic. Has he ever seen someone foreign that wasn't wearing traditional dress, or anyone who was alive later than the 18th century?

And Jesus is sandwiched there kind of awkwardly. "YOU GUYS? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME? GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! IT'S A COOL BAR STORY! WAIT!"

....Aaaaand Jesus swoops in only to save the black little girl. Mongorians, freaky mustached Eastern Europeans, muslims and creepy-ass boy scouts in their 30s can go to hell.

Extend-O-Rope! The Rope that Extends! (tm) This offer is not available in stores, order now and receive the Eastern European Headshrinker as a free bonus to YOU!!! $19.99 +S&H.

... God sure likes killing black children.

"Hey, uh, Pan? Yeah, uh, right here, buddy. Your perspective is all screwy. Like, you know this is only going to be like three inches wide, right? It's hard to really get that you've got the reader by the neck while they're sitting in a bus stop or on a toilet.... I mean, just saying. And that's some wicked arm fuzz you got there."

So there you have it. God likes killing children. Er, that's what it implies, anyway.

Holy War!!1

Three years after the ill-planned War on Terror began, Jack Chick finally turned a TV on and watched the news. And from this incident sprang a tract, unfortunately, about potato-headed US soldiers fighting violent, potato-headed terr'ists. Sadly, no Fang in this one. But for a guy who served in the Pacific theater, he really doesn't understand how bullets work. Now onward.

"What am I doing in a Chick tract? Praying to this melted salt lick while projectile flies hit my head? This guy really is crazy."

My, they must be very proficient in English to use that as their first language. It's beyond me why they enlisted a rootin' tootin' gun-crazy Texan with a rifle though, when they clearly have it under control with their paintbrush spear cannon thing.

"They're cutting us to pieces!"
"Where's your God now, Preacher boy?"
"SHHHH! I'm on the phone! Jeez!" "Okay, mom, sorry about that. Anyway, how's Mittens doing?"

Aaaand just like in real life, his prayer goes answered without God batting an eye. Because God is ever vigilant, there haven't been any casualties in Iraq, and cancer is never contracted by Christians. Also, the dollar is gaining more over the fag-enabling Euro day by day. Gas is $1.09 a gallon, and there hasn't been a hurricane in the US since 1950.

Why would he need a massive sandstorm to save his company if they're only fighting three people anyway?

"Even if it was God, Preacher, my head wouldn't be so potato-shaped, and I could breathe through my nose if God really cared. Oh, and Max wouldn't be dying in my arms right now if God really cared, too."

.... Man, they're really packing packing the firepower on those three terr'ists. Huge flames, a helicopter, the conjoined twins limping away in the background-- going all out.

Why does Chick have it in his head that after a traumatic event like a friend's death, the most comforting thing you can tell someone is that they're in Hell for all eternity?

So, is 'Jesus' or whatever a big deal in Christianity? The concept of heaven is a Judeo-christian ideal to begin with, but who's Jesus? Like, Garcia or whatever?

How is being shot on the battlefield "dying in his sins?" And if you accept Jesus, can he really reject you? That's not how it works.

Oh, I guess he really didn't know about Jesus. He lived all his life in a pocket island between Canada and the US that no one's ever heard about which is inhabited by completely irreligious people who have never used American money, said the Pledge of Allegiance, sang O Canada, hit their thumbs with hammers, been surprised, and are unfamiliar with figurative language. What a horrible, ???forsaken place!

Draft-dodgin' collige-type pansy! Don'tcha know that when you choose to enlist in the armed forces, not even formidable Jewiness will keep you stationed at home?

Oh, shit, now he's done it. Never ask Matt Lauer to tell you about anything, unless you have infinite patience and at least 2 years of life remaining. Standard refuting of whatever follows.

On Judgment Day, your life will be shown on the AstroScreen for you to re-watch in 16:9 aspect ratio. Wait-- he's already up in the Space Cloud being judged... that means he's already dead! OH NO! Is this is a Sixth Sense type thing, where they're all already dead?

Tex Wilson!!! I hate him too! He was a sucky baseball player and his art prints are redundant and cheesy! And unless both Tex Wilsons have accepted the FundieChrist, Jesus didn't die for their sins.

That's the way. Win 'em over by jabbing at sore spots in their self-image.
And he wasn't born in a "stinking stable," he was born in a manger on a bed of straw (which isn't so far removed from the reeds, pitch and stone that was standard bedding during the bronze age), and all the animals looking on were compelled by God to stop shitting compulsively until Jesus was out. Considering all the rats and termites Jesus didn't plop onto, it's not so bad.

Not going to bother looking up how this corresponds with the actual text of the Bible, but instead of making an avatar of himself to suffer, couldn't God just forgive that petty grudge he had against Adam (a creature that didn't know what right, wrong and consequences were, therefore could not judge for himself whether to trust the snake)? Where did all the righteous people who lived before Jesus go when they died, straight to Hell?

And did Jesus actually control the angels? Doesn't God the Father do that or something?

Something incredible happened!

"Jesus created unto Himself the first Form-Flattering Dress, and lo, it shone as the Sun and illuminated itself, guiding the Savior through the darkness of the rock-pile and then forth making otherwise unpleasing women pleasing to the eye" - Joshua 14:3, regarding the first attractive dress's creation.

Those EYES. Don't look into them Benny, that's how he steals your soul!

Everybody in the trucks! The crazy Spanish peasants from Resident Evil 4 are back! They want blood! Argh argh argh slobber slobber bite.

They shouldn't fly their plane so high up, they might accidentally crash into God on his cloud or something.

"Cough cough"? Seriously? You fall on a grenade and you still have to muster up the strength to cough enough to let Chick make your death a cliche?

Is that all captains do nowadays, look like high school freshmen with loaf haircuts and Jew noses?

Oh, I was wrong about Fang not being here. I thought that of all Chick's characters, he wouldn't be deployed to Iraqi warzones, but I guess I was wrong. At least he has rats to play with.

Oh, come on. Like people with doctorates in any topic (from a real school, not whatever Henry Makow and Kent Hovind attended) are this figuratively-challenged. There's a difference between nicknaming someone, say, Doc, and them being a doctor by trade. People with doctorates should know.

Oh, fuck you. Why does EVERY RELIGION revolve around an afterlife to you, Jack? They don't all have "heaven"s because they have different philosophies. Budddhism, for example, revolves around making your life on earth better, followed by reincarnation, not heaven. Which, even though it's for different reasons, is a lie. One that makes Benny so outraged he randomly spurts facial hair.

..... has this ever happened? Seriously? Ever?

What an asshole. If you're supposed to not care what faith your soldiers follow, than you shouldn't discriminate against Christians (even the fanatical ones). Because this is a huge fucking strawman caricature, I won't go any further, but I am alarmed at the thing that's driving the truck.

No survivors. Not even the people that were praying in the back that had nothing to do with anything. KABOOM!
Love,
God

Oh no! They better evacuate heaven now, it's on fire!

I don't..... this is.... stubborn and pretend...... sheesh. Okay, where do I begin? "Pretend you don't believe in God"? What the fuck is that? "Ooh, I have a great idea, I'll alienate myself from the people around me because they're woefully stupid and stringent about their ancient fairytales! Yeah! That's the way to do it! And I'll go to church every week to apologize for it, of course. That's the way!" Or will you devote yourself to an afterlife that may or may not happen and squander your life in fear of a big mystical skydaddy?

I'll choose the latter option any day, if it means not turning into an intolerant moron like Chick.

Not quite yet

I'm going to start doing Chick dissections on the weekends now. I'm too spent by the time I get back from whatever it is that I do all day.

Oh, by the way:

How can NBC news know that bin Laden is "virtually impotent" and we still can't find him? Is "The Decider" just going to wait for Osama to die of natural causes? You're an idiot, failure and quitter. Way to save America. Letting an old man die of a kidney disorder instead of going out and looking for him, it's all about politics. After 7 years, shouldn't you stop trying to convince people to like you and actually start improving things?

No, Seriously You Guys, This Thursday the World Will End!

Ah, finally! I've got the energy to analyze these godawful things again! I'll format and format, but my hard drive will never be clean. (I don't hotlink these pictures, because even if Chick is evil, hotlinking is just douchy.)

So, it seems the Rapture is still imminent (as it has been for several hundred years). Except this time, we follow the child of Satan around as he appears for like six panels, and then disappears. Nothing you haven't seen before, just a condensed version of all of Chick's beliefs about how sinners will perish, and his screwy idea of redemption. Also, gore. Enjoy (If you're a masochist).

----Um, what? Oh-OH! Oh my god, Jesus is coming! Look busy! Here, have preach at this heathen baby or something!

There's something really important you should know, Spawn of Satan. This isn't my real hair. This is actually someone's pancreas draped over my scalp. Also, my real hair is in your vest.

YAAH! !@***!! They oiled themselves up, so when the airbag deploys they'll both launch out of the moonroof!

Ugh. Next to Li'l Susy, Uncle Mike is the most irritating recurring character. Except this time he's Bob. Something about that passing resemblance to Hitler....

As stupid as Chick tracts are, I'm glad he's an equal-opportunity artist. He'll include people with psychological conditions like OEGTYS Syndrome (Observe Every Goddamn Thing You See). And it looks like gradation is bad for roads, considering now they scream "SCREEEEEEEECH!" if your car skids. Glorified Rumble Strips, except they emulate a shirll back-seat driver.

OH NO! They lost Fang?! Why do these things continue without him? Well, I guess this whole scene does have a purpose: to impart the wisdom that crashing into telephone poles will make them generate bottles of alcohol, condoms, and giant, open-mouthed eels.

I wish Chick was better at conveying age. Like, why is Damien still living with his parents?

...Oh, those aren't his parents, I guess they're the prison wardens. But that doesn't explain why he's got that nice bed, and... oh, whatever. I don't care anymore. It's too hard to figure out where he is anyway.

"Damien, you're already a Christian. You know all this. But the viewers at home might not. So let us now explain one of the stupid tenets of Christianity, the looniest one whose acceptance is spotty, in case people didn't already realize that Jack Chick never leaves the house."

Jesus will rapture his church? Not this again. Not again. We've been over the creepy innuendo with "God's love gift". Jesus will rapture his church. I hope it's not just me, but why does salvation sound so sleazy?

"...the tribulation saints will be beheaded"? WTF? Seriously. Please, contrive some more. And Then the three-headed Garden of Eden horse will reign for the next few weeks, after which a rather large Inuit woman will take over and all foods besides Fritos and clear beads will be expressly forbidden. Anyone caught with anything but Fritos and clear beads will be placed in a large aquarium for public viewing. Then they drop tigers into the aquarium. Rainbow ones, to the delight of children, who wear red smocks until the age of 12. Yep, that's how it'll happen. And it will happen, I assure you.

"Are you interested?" "Are you kidding? I just woke up. I don't need this. Tell me about your day instead or something." "Well, so the story goes...." "No, stop. I don't want to hear it. I already know all of this--" "THE STORY GOES...."

Jesus got a makeover. Good for Him. It's never to late to improve yourself, I say.

Oh no! The four horsemen! I thought they were War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. Nope. They're Catholic Klansman, Saracen Mounties, Skeletal Lawyers, and Flaming Ventriloquists. I need to go on Wikipedia more often.

Oooh, gory carnage. God is love.

Why Germany and Russia? Why isn't Kazakhstan or Austria or Spain a threat? They weren't around during the Old Testament either. What's that? Chick hates Germany and Russia for some reason and decided to demonize them under the guise of scripture? That's odd.

Of course, maybe I don't get it because I wasn't alive during the Cold War and I don't keep grudges against entire nations (since I stopped reading newspapers 53 years ago), but isn't the Bible supposed to be timeless or static or something? Like, true Christians wouldn't manipulate its contents to fit their agendas-- oh, I'm sorry. I forgot for a second that we were talking about the Bible. Silly me.

Here's a tangent. Something that especially pisses me off about Jack Chick is his ability to seek out a fairly uncommon group and relentlessly offend. I bet this tract doesn't go over very well in Germany, Russia, or the Muslim world. Well, I wouldn't know, because it's not translated into any of the languages those people speak. But the Cold War is over. They're not the CCCP or Third Reich or whatever you made them into anymore, they're modern nations (there's that word "modern" that fundamentalists hate so much, because they'd still live to be so fucking old if America was the still the Christian Nation they imagined it to be in the 1950's, the kind that forbids science). I'm going to pop some veins if I continue, so let's just go to the next panel.

I don't know what the fuck is going on in these two panels. Are these just random non-sequiters he's throwing at us now? These aren't full sentences, the pictures don't make any sense, everything is out of context. Does not parse. I'm wasting 'skip panel' credits now, but I genuinely have no idea what's going on.

Oh, I get it, Catholics are the Antichrist. I'm pretty sure this much lying and fabrication will get you buttspanks from God in heaven. This is just plain stupid, and apparently makes it onto Wikipedia's Jesuit article.

Um. Yeah. Of course. When you're spiritual leader of the world, that means you rule it. I'd want to check in with the athiests, the Muslims, the Episcopalians, to find out how they gave away their beliefs so easily. Except this has not and will never happen, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

Also, I wonder how the Amish feel sharing principles with the Buddhists, and that evil religion science. Religions don't all agree with each other, that's why there are different ones. Conflicting religions will reconcile and merge when Chick steps outside. That is, never.

Oh, cool. I guess he likes to make up alternate endings to Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's got quite an imagination. Maybe he should've been a writer, like Ann Coulter or something. It certainly wouldn't bother as many people, because it's expensive to dump books in gas station bathrooms and bus stops at innocent bystanders.

"WOOO! DISPENSATIONALISM! ROCK ON!!!

Unable to buy or sell? But how will I purchase my parchment, goats and slaves? What am I going to buy my sheaves of papyrus and myrrh with?! It truly is the end of the world!

In the future, Christian heads will be easily removable. Simply side off by placing your hand on their cheek, and apply gentle pressure. The presence of a guillotine, which can usually be rented out from historic French museums, eases the process. Make sure to dress like a Hellenic Army guard.

All kidding aside, if they are really Christians, wouldn't they have been poofed into the air before they get harmed in any way?

Apparently, God's wrath comes out of wands and looks like spit. I wonder if it's safe for angels to just line up in an orderly fashion and dump Wrath out one by one with all those crosshairs floating around.

And I think beheading people for their beliefs constitutes a horrible nightmare. Why does it begin now? Why are we even talking about this? I thought the guy (who we will probably never see ever again) already knew all this?

That sounds an awful lot like Saharan Africa. Except their crises are caused by depleting resources, genocide and ineffectual governments, not Gawd. The typical Saharan African isn't white, either. Latent racism?

Ten leaders? I thought the only leaders allowed to whatever are the Rockstar Pope.

You know, it's not exactly subtle that this story was written 2000 years ago. Kings of the East? Fixation on Israel? Yeah.


Oh, not more of this avatar-metaphor embodiment crap again.
These bible quotes are more disarming than menacing. Oooh, everyone run, the Lamb is coming.

Loving god indeed.

This is so stupid. Just so, impossibly stupid. Well, the angels tossing people into Hell is kind of funny.


"The devil is judged by the Lord Jesus"? About damn time, huh?
Well, okay. I guess the worst thing they can come up with is throwing the devil into Hell. Okay. Sucks for him.

Wrap it up, people. I wonder if this is what casual Fundie conversations are like. "Hey Bob, tell me about the Rapture."

Oops! Was that the fourth wall I just knocked over? Shoot. Hey, reader, what's up?

.... Actually, this sounded like one huge joke. Whether it was funny or not is a different issue, but it did sound far-fetched and outdated, so it probably hit a few absurdist funny-bones.


Um, what was that? The tract is called "Here He Comes!" in such a silly, disarming way. Like, it should be followed by an "Oh, brother." and an eyeroll from a 90s sitcom. Well, not quite. Unless you find paranoid dispensationalism as funny as Chick does, or doesn't, or whatever he was trying to say. I wish this all made sense, I really do.