Sunday, August 19, 2007

God's the Governor Now

I'm not making fun of The Execution today, because it's so half-assed, self-deprecating, and criminally stupid that I'm pretty sure Chick is the world's best IRL troll for making it. Go look at it now, and wait for the bright green WTF? float over your head right before you have an aneurysm caused by Jack T. Chick pushing out a big wet turd on your intelligence. Warning: Contains hyperconcentrated Fundamentalism, and as pants-wettingly funny as that is, is not recommended for people with heart conditions or pregnant women for that reason.


Phew. Okay. I've got my stuff together now, I promise. For some reason or another I really, really didn't want to do any dissections lately. Nothing out of the ordinary for me to ridicule, and I kept leaving raw Tracts on my posts. Also, Chick decided to add video to his site. Most of it is standard Catholic-bashing and Jesus propaganda, you know. Well, on to business.
Today ours is a story of a wonderful, loving god that accepts you even if you make mistakes. And how that's not the God of the Bible. Seriously, that's an excerpt from the dialogue.
Oh, and Wilford Brimley (of Diabeetus fame) makes a surprise visit as the Complacent, Judgemental Christian.

"Okay, okay, I'll be in your tract. Just calm down, Mr. Chick-- hey, here, have my wallet."

"Anything you say can and will be used against you, so we advise you be quiet while Officer Richards rapes you. Please be still."

Oooh! Little Richard is up against Douglas Rogers! We've got lots of work ahead, but luckily you'll skip that part, because Chick likes to discard characters. So says Dr. Marvin Monroe. I wonder how he wound up being a court-appointed attorney, though.

I'll take over the world! The governor's chair is but a small step in my plan!

From what I know about the legal system (via Law & Order reruns), isn't it his job to find him guilty? I wouldn't know, but.

Oh, come on. Is it impossible to throw your readers a bone and actually draw the characters, and not their silhouettes in the window?

"And now, a completely different direction in the conversation at arbitrary fucking random: That's exactly what's happening to you, Doug. You're in the God Legal System, and the prosecutor (Jesus) is looking for things about you to condemn you with, because Jesus wants to be in the governor's chair." Which elicits the appropriate response, "WHAT!?!".

He may not be on trial, but he sure can get his diabeetus medication delivered right to his door with a simple phone call.

And which of God's confusing, contradictory and outdated laws is he breaking? Ambition? Going through with the legal process, and not just stoning sinners to death? No, wait, let me guess. He's wearing a polyester blend. Yeah, that's the one. Oh, and don't let your kids ever want to amount to anything, because that's evil and a sin.

"That's ridiculous. When I signed up for Christianity, they told me God loved me unconditionally and that Jesus forgave my sins." Whoops. Missed a clause, there.

"You're a big-shot lawyer who prosecutes people that may or may not have committed felonies, like this hasn't been going on for centuries."

Wilford: You'll be in the court before God, answering for your crimes.
Doug: Seriously, man, what does this have to do with that sleazy looking guy we're supposed to indict? Er-okay, yeah, "That's impossible! blah blah.."

Here it comes. Again, fundieism isn't real Christianity.
Isn't that what they tell you to get you to join? Even Chick says that God loves you, even with your sins, but for some reason that's not reflected here, because surprise! The meaning of things magically change when you want them to in Christianity. That's the way to get converts: threaten Hell, or trick them into thinking God loves them. After all, that's not the God of the Bible. The God of the Bible is mostly wrath, unnecessary suffering, and ridiculous laws.

Aw, now his hand's all offended and exploding. Nice going, Wilford.

"Oh, no! My God-Sense is tingling! Somewhere in the city, two people who are unrelated to me at this point are arguing God! Time to spring into action."

Um, well, if the current governor is an idiot, then isn't it fair to want to replace him with someone more qualified? Hey, it just hit me, there has only been one computer in a Chick tract, ever. That's weird.

"I told you I'd do anything- Didn'tcha hear me?" Oooh, shit, oh, shit. He's asking for it. Why would you do that to yourself? If you see a bear, don't smear yourself with steaks and honey, and if you see a fundie, for god's sake don't ask them about God. Here goes.

Actually, no. Let's do a point-by-point:
  • Have no other god: erm, except the part of him probably being Christian and they usually tell you that God does love you, so it's the same God, different interpretation
  • Commit adultery: When did he say he committed adultery? WTF?
  • Not steal: he didn't, he just said he may if he needed to.
  • Not lie: same.
  • Not covet: this is one of the stupid commandments, and I don't know how you would go through life not coveting anything. Oh, wait, hold on, isn't ridding yourself of desires a pillar of Buddhism? And isn't Buddhism eeevil? The bible's kind of schizophrenic about that.
Also, I don't get the "dead duck" similie. Maybe he meant 'lame duck', but 'dead duck' doesn't make sense.

How does one die in their sins, exactly? Fall on the knife after they've killed someone, have a heart attack while cheating on your spouse, being sacrificed to Baal? Seriously.

And just to mess with you, God will pretend to be a literal court judge. Okay.

Looks like we won't have to worry about the afterlife of the Twin Towers, they went to heaven when they died and now shout sins at people. "Oh noes, I bet the liberals are going to be pissed that we have a big copy of the ten commandments right there on our cloud."

That seems kind of mean.

I can't even make this stuff up. "The whole world is guilty and headed for hell! So God decided to just forgive everyone, because that's what love is---wait. No, hold on, looks like he didn't just forgive everyone even though he is, you know, omnipotent. He went through a delicate, complicated process to only forgive a few people gullible enough to believe that story."

Aaaand, we're back to your regularly scheduled Christ. "Make the evidence disappear like it never happened"? Isn't that what 'his God' was doing, except without so many rules and restrictions and fear?

Our heroine has finally made it! Now, on, to salvation!

Oh, fucking A, not "who's Jesus" again.

It's scary how much Wilford looks like a walrus in that panel, but at least he can do his mascara well.

Actually, yes, Jesus did sin. He lied about going to some feast thing, and he referred to his mother as 'woman' (which counts to dishonor your parents, a commandment). As minor as these offenses were to normal people, fundies forget to consider them at all, because Jesus probably did forgive himself for anything he did wrong.Okay. Just saying, he did break commandments.

"Wake up! Are you still paying attention? I know this is kind of a boring story, and even as ridiculous as it is it doesn't hold people's attention well, but here's my stupid religion. Why aren't you accepting it? Are you thinking for yourself? Stop it! Stop it now! My made-up Sky Daddy doesn't like you doing that!"

Holy hell, if you can't even prove Jesus existed, it's not helping your case if everything you do is historically inaccurate. Neat little overhead lamps weren't around in 1 AD. They weren't. Torches were. Unless that's god's square goat eyes lovingly gazing at his avatar, there were no lamps. (Goat eyes, hehe. That's Satanic.)

And giving your only begotten son isn't a big deal when you can make infinitely more because you're immortal and, um, God.

Yeah, except you don't need someone to die for your sins to have a religion going. Buddhism teaches that everything in the world has a purpose and to be kind to living things, and isn't as much about the afterlife, because you're reincarnated. Muhammad is a guy who climbed up a mountain, spoke to god, came down, wrote it all, and corrected what he thought God said was wrong with the bible in the Koran. The Pope is just supposed to speak for God. Catholicism doesn't worship the Pope.

What a stupid assumption. There's more than One Way (pardon the pun) to do something. They're all just philosophies, but some are ruled by more fear than others.

Blah, blah, stupid, whatever.

Um, why did Doug turn into my eighth-grade English teacher all of a sudden? What does this have to do with the real guy on real trial, or Doug's gubernatorial endeavors? Ah, well, whatever. We're about to change subjects anyway.

I bent down, closed my eyes, and recieved God's love gift up my ass. It was sore afterwards, but I was in fact raped without lubrication by Christianity.

And I told someone I made up named Stan that I totally agree with him and that his girlfriend is wrong, and that I'm a millionaire. Wilford did the same thing, but got raeped in the process.

"Now that we've discussed this, my motive here was to convert you after all. So, what do you think? If you're thinking at all right now, stop. That's not how it works. You're supposed to fall on your knees and eat pieces of carpet, crying. I will not give you time to mull this over. Now or never. GO!"

Oh no! He's Jewifying!

"You've put me in a difficult situation. You see, if I convert now I'll get the Christian vote. I don't want that. They're not the religious majority, and I'll take my chances wooing other religions. You know, the ones that don't have a fixed voting pattern and can decide who they think best represents them, rather than who says they follow their religion."

You don't have to be a Jesus freak, asshole, just don't be a fundie and pass out Chick tracts all day.

Also, "I like sinning" was the icing on this Chocolate Bullshit Cake. Parties and girls? You're 45. You don't party anymore because that's fucking creepy and no one will invite you. If he still parties and does drugs with his friends, what is he doing wasting money on a campaign for governor?

"But what if you should die tonight?" "Seems likely. I mean, the grim reaper is standing right behind me, right? Well, whatever. You're being creepy, Wilford, I gotta go. See you."

Um, I guess the sneaking around and spying on people is all for that report she was doing. Makes sense....

...and thanks to Wilford, the criminal walks free, then goes off and takes Doug's car. Are all fundies like this? "Who cares if this guy does jack cars, your soul is at stake here! In real life, it doesn't matter if you die, because there may or may not be an afterlife and you may or may not be tortured there for eternity."

"GOTCHA! Oh, man, y'all just got punk'd."

Whoops, looks like Doug's gone. But the fun doesn't end there! Wilford's still proselytizing at full speed.

"Aw, dang, looks like your employer's gone. I'm completely unshaken by this, so I'll just go on and tell you about how he'll have maggots crawling out of his eyes while he's set on fire. What ambulance? Not like they can do anything about it. So, I guess I'll put you on the spot now."

That's the spirit. Wilford finally won himself some new victims. Standard HOMF HOMF carpetmunching (hehhe) fare.

You know what would rock so hard right now? If there was an alternate panel of Doug in a shapeless, empty void. "Hey, looks like there's no afterlife after all."

Whoa, wait. When did the Day of Judgement creep in here? I thought it was just when you die, not waiting for armegeddon. Whatever. These aren't consistent enough to convert anyone who has read more than two Chick tracts.

Now Death asks if you've ever told a lie. I don't know if this is subconscious for Chick, but what bothers me is that this has nothing to do with anything. Maybe it's Jack being subtle and talking to himself.

Blah, stupid, whatever, another triumph of fear. Another day, another dollar. Convert, convert, convert.

Why can't anyone stay alive throughout an entire Chick tract made for adults? Do the characters have to die just to prove a point? If so, why can't they ever be in a, you know, hellish hell? Not just pumpkinheaded poets calling it the "laughing place", or just steamy caves?


Lith said...

"Now Death asks if you've ever told a lie."

Fraid not, but I have disobeyed my parents and been involoved in a little coveting lately...

AmberKatt said...

The phrase "dead duck" is slang. It originally meant a failure, but was also used as a so-called "creative" way to say dead, to give it some emphasis. We used to use it as kids, but I haven't heard it used in decades... it's definitely in the "trite" category.

From what I can find, the phrase originated back in the early 1800's, and was part of a saying: "never waste powder on a dead duck." Sounds similar to "don't beat a dead horse" and other such animal-related aphorisms.

Jr. said...

lith: You're going to hell. Wilford Brimley said so.

amberkatt: Thanks. I had a feeling it was probably slang at some point, but it seems kind of odd in this day and age.

Ah, but Chick is wasting powder on dead ducks.

AmberKatt said...

He's probably beating off... oops, I mean beating, dead horses, too.


Anonymous said...

I think your two funniest lines were "Wilford was raped without lubrication by Christianity." and "He's proselytizing at full speed!"

I also love how Wilford tells the whole crazy Jesus story and then says "I've presented my case." No you haven't, dickwad. What kind of lawyer are you? You don't "present a case" by walking into a courtroom and telling the jury everything you think they should hear! You need witnesses! You know what those are, don't you Wilford? People who can attest that your story isn't just a load of horseshit?

Anonymous said...

Okay, I think you've gotten Buddhism mixed up with Hinduism. Buddhism is about ridding yourself of selfish desires in order to eventually achieve Enlightenment; if Buddhists looked forward to being reborn, then there would be little point in practicing Buddhism.