Monday, September 24, 2007

Ungodly Orphans

I've got upwards of 600 views... I must have some lurkers about. Heheh.
Sorry this was such a long time coming, my laptop's wireless card is pretty fickle.

Anyway, here's one of those subtly-racist tracts I mentioned last time. I'll admit, it'll be kind of hard to mock the art itself (this is one drawn by Fred Carter), but it's kind of obvious Chick was domineering this doomed ship... just pay attention to the ideas in it, you'll figure it out pretty quick. If you happen to be white, this tract will not make you love Jesus. If you happen to be black, however, keep reading and see if Chick's magic will work on you. Because he made it specifically for you. I'm sort of offended at how simplistic it is, too, but I'm reading too much into that.

And one last thing... the adapted version of Allah Had No Son looks like a poorly photoshopped version of its original.
--
Oh, god. The zombie invasion is coming.... Billy the Kid's mummified hand clutching a noose in the middle of the Arizona desert... start stockpiling your clean underwear, people. I'll be in my underground bunker, as always.

All have sinned. Basketball players, Jesus with short hair (who knew?), what looks like a single mother or an abortion patient or an 'immodest' woman, fat men with sticklike noses, pimps, hoes, and palsied kids listening to music and pretending to be a zombie are all led through the Valley of Flaming Toupees by a hairy man-goat (or typical Insane Clown Posse fan..)

Muahahha! Suffer, pimps, hoes, single mothers and palsied children! Suffer!!!

Oh, man, he's so excited. He must have found a quarter on the cliff in front of him.
And that quote is kind of unfortunate. It's kind of ironic that Jack follows a way which seemeth right unto a man....

HAHAHAH, what? "In sin did my mother conceive me"? Er, okay, are there any other modes of conception that don't involve sin? Remember, kids: Godly people are immaculately conceived. All of them. Ask your parents where you came from, and if they say something other than "you poofed into existence via Jesus Magic", then you are a filthy, filthy sinner.

All exalt the sentient baby! If you wave at him, he'll wave back!

I've seen this devil thing before. How unoriginal. Except this one's not as benevolent, or interesting, as that movie.

I don't get the random death quote though. Is death like having Pan trick you into bondage?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a Chick tract, not an ass-backwards postmodern thing where the cow takes the people away. The people in this panel agree too, considering how hard they're vibrating. The little goat guy has to slick the ground down with crude oil and slide them, I suppose.

-chuck- Off ya go, losers! Enjoy the hellfire! -toss- -smack- -thud- -sizzle- YAAAAA
So far I don't think any of this makes any sense. It's a big, simplified, misdirected metaphor. How is this supposed to convert people? Is the first thought that leaps to mind when you see people dumped into flames in front of their kid "AMEN JESUS!!!"? Again, with the suffering. I don't see how it's spreading around Godliness. I do see, however, that Jack Chick is a sadist.

Isn't Gawd usually much taller than everyone else? Why does God imagine crying children with crucifixes behind them, like that's what they're crying about? What a self-important asshole. Can't he just conjure up some satisfaction because he's Almighty God and whatnot, without tormenting children? ..... haha, you knew the answer to that one; no.

I find it very, very surprising that Chick doesn't have any qualms about portraying Jesus as black. It is closer to what he was though, middle eastern.

"For God sent not a big black arrow into the sky to misdirect Jesus on his way down to the Great Ear-ish Moon, but that he would know where to go because his thoughts were preoccupied with the salvation of random kneeless children."

I'm sorry, this just.... the..... Jesus seemed to have missed a step off the God Cloud.... "Bye, Jesus"... too much stimulus at one time.

Bahaha! Pay the toll first, zombie Jesus! Pay the $5 to see the Wolf Child Rufus!

"Hey, okay, how about this. You get to nail me to a big wooden T, I bleed profusely and die violently and painfully on a mountaintop, suffer as much as I can, and then I can have Wolf Child Rufus. Sound okay?"
"Dude, no. $5. What do I need your flayed corpse for? I mean, it's not going to be a guaranteed salvation thing, people can still reject you and stuff. I don't know why you didn't bother safeguarding your whole salvation theory to where there's no other option besides worshipping you, you are GOD, but... well.... alright, I guess. You'll cheapen it by resurrecting, but... alright. More souls for me."

HAHAHAAHAHA! Oh, man, what is that, some spontaneous hair growth syndrome? Do you bleed hair or something? Weirdo! HAHAAH!

Oh, great, the last thing that kid needs is to see more people die in front of him. That's good for his psychological well-being.

And so Pan put him in a giant ceramic pot for three days and three nights, watching his body decay the whole time....

HE IS RISEN! Pan shakes in his backward, bowlegged cleats! Who's your savior now, bitch? Jesusman, Jesusman, doing the things that Jesus can.

"Hey kid, remember that time I hung from thick rusted nails in my hands and bled all over the ground beneath me as I rotted in the hot sun? I..."

"Please, mister, stop talking to me about this. It's scaring me."
"Aw, come on, it's a cool story! Really? You sure you don't want to hear it? Positive? Well, okay, I'll go have some guys write it down for me so you can read it later if you want. I'm gonna call it something catchy, like Hangin' Out, or The Bible, or That Time I Won a Bet and Saw Rufus the Wolf-Child. Anyway, see ya. Enjoy your salvation."

Hey! You! Wing Guy! Yeah, you! Get away from Rufus! Jesus won him first! You can't steal him! You didn't earn him!

.... Jesus was also opposed to decent grammar. I don't remember that part of the bible, but I think something in there said education was important. Apparently King James didn't bother reading it.

And they ascended at a funny angle into a large, weightless vat of cottage cheese, and the little boy ran to Anonymous. Legal proceedings will follow.

Now it's a stereotypical hat-wearing...er... Macedonian, burka-wearer, Chinese man with SARS, and a fat white guy. I had no idea Chick was so xenophobic. Has he ever seen someone foreign that wasn't wearing traditional dress, or anyone who was alive later than the 18th century?

And Jesus is sandwiched there kind of awkwardly. "YOU GUYS? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME? GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! IT'S A COOL BAR STORY! WAIT!"

....Aaaaand Jesus swoops in only to save the black little girl. Mongorians, freaky mustached Eastern Europeans, muslims and creepy-ass boy scouts in their 30s can go to hell.

Extend-O-Rope! The Rope that Extends! (tm) This offer is not available in stores, order now and receive the Eastern European Headshrinker as a free bonus to YOU!!! $19.99 +S&H.

... God sure likes killing black children.

"Hey, uh, Pan? Yeah, uh, right here, buddy. Your perspective is all screwy. Like, you know this is only going to be like three inches wide, right? It's hard to really get that you've got the reader by the neck while they're sitting in a bus stop or on a toilet.... I mean, just saying. And that's some wicked arm fuzz you got there."

So there you have it. God likes killing children. Er, that's what it implies, anyway.

54 comments:

Omny said...

Hey, what about that kid's parents? He may be in heaven, but he's never going to see them again. What kind of heaven is this that would separate kids from their parents, and allow one or the other to forever burn?

That... that is just unconscionable. Fuck you God. My family may be going to Hell, but at least we're going as a family.

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