God Patrol

First off:
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. I don't even know why I'd neglected this blog for so long; mostly computer drama, school, stuff of that nature.

'Neway, this tract is about those evil negroes your grandparents warned you about. Also, gang violence, and how police departments in Chickville go only with the Lawd. This reminds me of Dog the Bounty Hunter (something most people would rather be burned alive than be reminded of; ugh) and his "go with Christ" thing. Here goes, and I promise I'll try to start updating this more regularly.

♪ STOP! In the name of looooove, before you break my heart..... ♪

Okay, spoiler: this tract is about a latex glove full of mashed potatoes and twigs that fights pirates in glowing boxes. Naw, that's too imaginative for something like a Chick tract. But it is very, very cool that the hand has a muscley little arm coming off it that looks eager to knife fight.

"Hey, Carter! I found me a skeevy little meth-addict-like. Says he don't know why they call them fingers, since they don't fing."
God, look at that carnage! Heavy gunfire apparently leaves you looking like prim, freshly-cased sausage links. But if you're lucky, the roughly half-inch of plywood in the door will save you from semiautomatic bullets.

"I was coming up the stairs and... WOW you're tall. Like, you're really tall, man. Like a pine tree..... " *goes catatonic for three hours*

WERE YOU HERE TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL I COULD ARREST YOU FOR? BE HONEST! -stern finger-
Yeah, most druggies will respond honestly and politely when a hydrocephalic behemoth cop that may not be real appears. Speaking of distraction, there is something very wrong with what the cop in the background is doing to that... body? Sofa cushion? ... Bible?

"SAY AAAAAAA"
"AAAAAAA"

Aww. Gravity prevails; Gargantuan Cop's arm just slid out of its socket.

.. Um, wow, that has got to be the worst segue in the history of humanity. Nay, the history of Chick tracts.
"These guys are in HELL.... because they didn't accept Jesus. Not the drugs or anything. They're in body bags/waterbeds now, out of sight out of mind, right?"

"Dammin' evryone ta HAYULL" isn't really the best way to get converts, I think. And Gargantuan Cop is growing and--- wait, I just noticed this, they're in front of a one story house. As in, no stairs to come up. Goddamnit Jack Chick, if you're going to go through the trouble of shitting these comics out, at least make sure they're plausable. I mean, not that fundamentalism is the most rational thing in the world, but please, please stop mocking what little intelligence the people in your slice of Christianity have.

And here we go. More Godbabble. I'll just sit this one out.

DURR DURR THAG LIKE JEEZY. JEEZY SAVE THAG
I.... I'd have more to say on the 1980's hip-hop family in the background, but I'm too busy trying to wrap my mind around someone being smart enough to take the Bible literally. That's just.. damn.

OOoooOOOOooooH! OOK OOK! OOK OOK GRANDMA OOOK!
Oh hell yes he's going to laugh it off; anyone born within the past few centuries understands that
a) Scientifically, the literality of the Bible is impossible and
b) symbolism is also a potent medium for getting messages across.
However, I've noticed that ALL of Chick's tracts feature grandparents/old people doing all the indoctrination, presumably because it was a simpler time back then and wise old relatives provide gentle spiritual advice to a universally-misguided generation. Back in the day, blah blah, polio, segregation, McCarthyism..... I like how he pretends obsolescence is a good thing. Jeez.

He's a "deacon" or whatever, says he goes to something called "church" to "worship" someone named "Jehooly" or "Jahoosus" or something like that.... Seriously, what country are these people in anyway? How do you live in the United States (eveyone knows the US is His chosen country, regardless of whether it existed in the time of Jesus or not) without knowing ANYTHING about Christianity?

....So his grandma's either not dead yet ("... going to heaven"); or admittance to heaven takes a long while ("believed..."...), which contradicts the vast screaming majority of Chick's comics in addition to contradicting itself. Usually people either get judged immediately in the nude, or they rot in the ground a little and then get scooped up by angels, or they don't realize they're dead, or only their head, shoulder and left arm get taken to heaven, or they get raptured, or ..... wow, hey, whadda ya know, Chick is really inconsistent with what happens when you die. He should read up on it in the Bible.... oh wait, that's full of inconsistencies and contradictions too.... whoops. I guess then it's okay with the Bible if Jack plays some Choose Your Own Afterlife Adventure. The worst it could do is sap away some of his credibility (I know I said some; but considering his credibility has stood at -754,543,861,858 since 1965, I don't think he's in the ballpark of rational yet).

And does the druggie's sudden appearance change creep you out too?

Wow, that was fast. Weren't they trying to solve a drug deal murder like three panels ago? I mean, this can't possibly be an effective way of stopping crime. "Hey, uh, you there, guy with the guns and white baggies. Your ass is going to hell." And he returns to his vehicle, smiling smugly, rewarded with the comforting thought that he had brought some peace to the inner city, and goes home.

"I know that place..." Well, good. I'm glad. It's kind of your job to; I can't imagine how long it took them to find the address of the shootout. Half the bodies were probably in the ground when they were rounding the street.

Welcome to Ville, home of the Ville Police Department. Don't they tell you to watch out for unmarked police cars, because they usually have psychotic rapists in them? I mean, just saying.

PIGS! PIGS!
The same four people, repeating over and over into infinity, are crowding around an unmarked police car in the center of what seems to be Eternity. If that's not mindfucky enough, they're shouting bizarre and outdated anathemas at the car, whose windshield is calling for help.

"There," said Jack Chick, stepping back in his underground bunker to admire his work, "this is what the outside world must be like."

Okay, this "standing tall in the name of the Lawd" is getting absurd. It doesn't surprise me in the least that Chick and Carter baby their readers with oversimplified, painfully literal metaphors, but come on, this is an eight-foot tall cop. Maybe this is some sort of ... I don't know, attempt at anatomy? Perspective, maybe? One can muse forever. Because according to statistics I only have like 64 years left to live, I'll let you all do the musing.

I love these generic cop names. Clancy, Carter...

I've got nothing. Except, perhaps, a genuine concern for that strange lip-creature that's half-hidden with Grandma's word bubble.

"I'm gonna make you disappear and feed you to the dogs!" Does Chick really expect inner-city gang members to actually say things like that? I'd expect more of an, I don't know, "I'll fuck your ass up" or an "Imma shank you, motherfucker"? What century is this? This does nothing to disprove my theory that Jack hasn't seen anyone that isn't white since the 1980s.

Do it, Ice Man!

Wise Buddha say: "Make way for Grandma!" Followed by furious hobbling.

-Rattle rattle- -rattle rattle rattle- "Junior, why on earth is your head shaking so violently like that?" -comical hands-on-hips stance-

Judging by the people around her, I'd say she's about... what, 3'7?

Do you have any idea why threatening law enforcement with a knife is a bad idea? Besides the added quarter-century of assault charges you'll have to do time for? Well, I'll tell you; Grandma will disembowel you and take your lower intestines as a trophy with that knife of yours. At least, that's what it looks like she's doing. Fred Carter's shaky grasp of space won't permit me to decipher this further.

God is a loving god, who will gladly strike anyone down for anything. But God is a wrathful, picky god who will play favorites and gladly murder 7+ people in a bad drug deal, but will save one of his guys.

The... the emphasis... it's just all wrong. ugh.
Junior metamorphoses into a Chow.

Who Grandma? I have no deductive reasoning.

RRRRRrrribbit! Rrrribbit! Deacon Carterrribbit led her and her pimp to Christ.

Mm, so far, we've got drugs, murder, violence, and now prostitution. The only thing missing from this world of evil is a gay guy and a woman with a job. Then I'll take him seriously. Those last few things aren't severe enough.

"*Grandpa". Jesus A', so now he's just making up his own slang and hoping for the best?

... Um, the fuck?
He probably did eat guys like him in prison for breakfast, but you know, in a different sense. And oh no! The eclipse is nigh.

NOOOO! Anyone but White cops! Take all the white cops you want, but for the love of god, not the White cops!

Blam Blam Blam I don't know how a gunshot sounds

Honestly, this is starting to bug me, how many Christians do you know that pray and fast routinely? Mainstream Christianity, usually Protestant, regards this as highly antiquated. It seems more like a Muslim thing to do. But all Muslims are evil. Remember that.

---standard Crucifiction bunk here----

Um, ew?

Jack is getting lazy. He's not even bothering to draw Jesus' flayed, chapped, torn and bleeding skin sliding off his body like he usually does in his 3:16s. Maybe he's finally got over his BSDM fetish.

..... I get it. Gargantuan Cop is a zombie. With a grammar/syntax problem.

"EVEN THE COP GETS IN TROUBLE"

(Gasp!) That's the power of desperation, groupthink and a desire not to be in prison!
Something tells me God wouldn't approve of this sob-orgy. Or maybe he would, he loves it when people grovel.

Praise the Lord! Wait, what was this tract about? Right. He was supposed to be answering an 11-99 call. Where's Clancy? Oh, fuck it, who cares.

"Junior, Deacon Carter is more like Jesus than any man I've ever met." But that's blasphemy and you're going to hell. Is he like Jesus in that he gets easily distracted from his job and doesn't actually do what he's supposed to? The simile doesn't stretch much, so I'll assume she's referring to Jesus Garcia, the guy who lives next door to her or something.

You'll be safer working with him than anyone you know because you won't actually go into the line of fire. Instead, you'll just go around troubled neighborhoods converting people.

That's all good and well, but if this tract is any indication (which is like using a cabbage to tell you what the temperature is), our hard-earned taxes go to paying Jehovah's Witnesses in uniforms and fancy cars.

Attack of the Gay Strawmen

Ahh!
Good to be back. Nice and rested and ready to tackle Chick's Christofascist bullshittery.
I hope you guys like the new color scheme and title banner and stuff; I've had some time to revise them and, uh, uncrappify them. I like them this way, but your thoughts are more than welcome on this!

Today I bring you a 22-page gay stereotype that seems lost in the transition from Bronze Age fairytale to 21st Century fairytale.

Even Fred Carter's art won't save this thing from being a piece of shit.
------

Oh no! That giant skull is about to fall on that innocent city made of sawtooth polygons! Look at that thick yellow gas plume. That is what Jack Chick sees out his bunker window when he bothers to look out every three years.

Oh, fair enough. "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" sounds like a pretty unbiased source! Especially on gay affairs. Because AIDS is caused by The Gay.

Still, strange cone-haired woman, there is another reason why they will not be called "sissies", and that reason is that it's not 1956 anymore. Besides the cheap-shot caricatures, I completely agree with the sign, "Hate is not a family value". Apparently, Chick disagrees.

Aaaand now "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" has become simply "AIDS Video". Way to go that extra mile for quality work, Jack.

Everyone, watch out! If a "certain level" of AIDS funding (no, not AIDS prevention/cure/research funding, mind you, AIDS funding) isn't reached by a "certain date", they'll resort to giving blood. Next thing you know they'll be building orphanages, feeding the homeless and volunteering for Meals on Wheels! NOOOO! NOT SOCIETAL GOOD! ANYTHING BUT IMPROVING THE COMMUNITY!!! ESPECIALLY OUT OF GOODWILL AND NOT A DESIRE FOR SOME POST-MORTEM GOODIE BAG!

See, back in '59 when Chick gave up all forms of socialization and the outside world to live in his grotto, the blood-screening technology that detects infections did not exist. Since this is what Jack imagines The Future to be like (wait for it, he probably thinks the hovercar has been invented by now), weird haircuts and militant gays and all, there will be some discrepancies between Reality!!!!1 and, erm, reality. Which is why this seems completely plausible to him.

And quick check, how is this supposed to lead someone to Christ?

Oooh! The Videocameras of the Future! They're still bulky, unwieldy and require extensive weight training; but they have slits on the backs for ventilation. Truly, a leap in human ingenuity. The limitless imagination of the mind never ceases to amaze.

And I guess "Charlie" is supposed to be Carter's version of Uncle Mike. With rape in his eyes.

Hahaha, me too, random homosexual. I don't want to hear it either, but now that you've poked the mountain lion we'll hear this anyway.

... Note that Charlie was not actually filming that rally. He was just... there.... for some reason. No comment on the... the... what would you call something like that? Weird bondage earring taxidriver muttonchop man thing?

Is this the Abraham that was supposed to sacrifice his son to God for no real reason, then God was all, "hehe, just kidding, guy, don't kill your own kid."? Probably. But why the mugshots? He didn't actually kill his son.

Wait, why do Abraham and Lot have their own herdsmen? Who cares who herds around which cows? It's the same damn land. Oh. Whoa, forgot this was the Bronze age for a second. Back when people were singleminded simpletons that did what voices in their heads told them to unquestioningly.

Well, if it's whatever land he wanted and he picked the land he wanted, what's the problem? Besides the radiocatively monstrous gila lizards roaming the dirt waiting to devour them, of course. If Abraham had the Plains of Jordan, would that make him greedy too?

He didn't know he chose to live in Doom Town because he was unaware that miles and miles of land could only have one city in them.

Yeah, measuring out 2x4s serves God. Please, please tell me how.

Of course it was the worst mistake he ever made, he just aged about 30 years. And apparently his health is failing, and he spends his days looking at shiny things now.

Chick and Carter relished drawing this panel. Just look at that scene-stealing man-on-man action. Beats me why they'd spend so much time illustrating passionate kisses between the freakiest one-size-fits-most stereotypes I'd ever seen, but let's divert our gaze to the background.

..... That was hard, wasn't it. Anyway, good of chick to include the fairies on the back of these guys' cloaks. I don't know why he'd put in the semiclothed child though.... is that even legal?

Then move, dumbass.

Um, I have yet to see or hear a homosexual talk about their partners as "wives". And all these steamy makeout scenes are creeping me out.

Augh augh augh, ook ook! It's that time again. -poop fling-

Ignoring the stupid, stupid implications of this (that all gays are effeminate, and molest children). Come on guys, massive group eyeroll, and let's move on.

Wait, wait, wait. Nowhere in the bible does God actually physically come to anyone's house for any reason. So, bullshit.

So, going on that logic, I don't think that blurry washerwoman is in charge of destroying Sodom. Abe's vision must not be too good these days.
Isn't 50 just such a weird number? Considering there are only what, 9 other people in Sodom, of course he's not gonna find 50. Quitter.

That's right, there were only 9 people total in the whole city. Is this some weird Abraham Cataract-o-Vision?

"Yeeeeees, gentlemen. Come, join me in my lair....."

No, Lot didn't move them, they invited themselves over for the night. It may've been more convenient if they, um, went back to being angels and spent the night in heaven so they wouldn't be a burden.... guess not.

I don't know why he has a Labrador puppy. I also don't remember when Party became a euphemism for Rape. And it's the return of Elvis Gay!

"Take my virgin daughters instead!" Rot in hellfire, you tapioca-faced misogynistic ass. Tip of the day: When you're trying to keep angels from getting it in the ass, don't look like you're getting it instead.

And this ladies and gents, is the missing link between ape and human. How nice of Chick to provide us with him.

You can just tell Chick is hot for this.
"... swearing, clawing perverts lunged for him... oh yeah.... with their smooth muscles, toned bodies.. all oiled up..."

The angels pulled Lot inside and.....

... whipped Lot like the nasty worthless filth that he was, ooh yeah.

No? Oh, okay. Well, at least they remain fabulous when they're blinded.
The Sodomites sure weren't very determined rapists.

It's that time again, folks.

This is fucking stupid. Why would he care if his daughters came with him? He just handed them over as rapefodder the second he was threatened. Now he's 'hesitating'. Fucking stupid.

This just gets worse and worse, doesn't it! Lot's daughters don't look a day over 14.

Then it happened..... Lot shat himself. He tried to keep it on the DL, but looks like his wife noticed the smell. Since she was not actually considered a person and thereby incapable of doing anything except having babies, she decided not to say anything.

Lovely.

GOD DOESN'T PLAY GAMES! He's dead serious, y'all! If he threatens to burn you the fuck alive because of your sex life, then by golly go to one of those stupid pray-the-gay-away camps.

Wow, god sure is intent on subjugating his creations. "Rebellion is witchcraft! Rarrrgh! Rarrgh rarrgh rarrgh! Slobberbite! Rabies!!!!"

NO, NO, NO, YOU RETARD. THAT'S MOSES. MO-SES. NOT LEVITICUS. I don't see "Thou shalt not be gay" written on those stone tablets, do you? Oh, that's right, they're completely blank.

"Well, son, I stick my neck out like this because Fred Carter can't draw me in a decent pose. You see... I was born without a spine. As a result I always look stoic and noble. I mean, if you told me to wiggle my eyebrows right now, I couldn't do it to save my life. I don't know why I was drawn with animal lust in my eyes. Please don't look at me like I just grew an extra head."

No, God doesn't. You just explained what happened to the last batch of homosexuals god got into contact with. Burned alive, remember? Not set free. Engulfed in flames. Not "wanting to save them".

And here's what gets me about the crucifixion. Do Christians not realize that it was the preferred method of execution by the Romans? Add in that Christianity was one of their favorite religions to persecute, and then you're left wondering why Jesus is so special. They loved torture and brutality for sport, so why would their executions be different? Jesus wasn't the only one who was crucified ever, and they didn't choose the most painful punishment for him just 'cause. That's just how they did it back then, historically.

His name is Sean? I'm glad we got to find that out in the penultimate panel set!
And Jesus won't cure Teh Ghey, by the way. So, get ready for a life of repression and misery enslaved to an imaginary being.


So what have we learned from all this? Well, namely, that hate is a family value in Chick's book, and that God's way of showing his love for gays is to set them aflame and let them die a painful death, then send them on to Hell, where this is repeated for eternity. Funny way of showing love, huh.

And you know what happened after Lot fled Sodom? His daughters schemed to have sex with him.

Ungodly Orphans

I've got upwards of 600 views... I must have some lurkers about. Heheh.
Sorry this was such a long time coming, my laptop's wireless card is pretty fickle.

Anyway, here's one of those subtly-racist tracts I mentioned last time. I'll admit, it'll be kind of hard to mock the art itself (this is one drawn by Fred Carter), but it's kind of obvious Chick was domineering this doomed ship... just pay attention to the ideas in it, you'll figure it out pretty quick. If you happen to be white, this tract will not make you love Jesus. If you happen to be black, however, keep reading and see if Chick's magic will work on you. Because he made it specifically for you. I'm sort of offended at how simplistic it is, too, but I'm reading too much into that.

And one last thing... the adapted version of Allah Had No Son looks like a poorly photoshopped version of its original.
--
Oh, god. The zombie invasion is coming.... Billy the Kid's mummified hand clutching a noose in the middle of the Arizona desert... start stockpiling your clean underwear, people. I'll be in my underground bunker, as always.

All have sinned. Basketball players, Jesus with short hair (who knew?), what looks like a single mother or an abortion patient or an 'immodest' woman, fat men with sticklike noses, pimps, hoes, and palsied kids listening to music and pretending to be a zombie are all led through the Valley of Flaming Toupees by a hairy man-goat (or typical Insane Clown Posse fan..)

Muahahha! Suffer, pimps, hoes, single mothers and palsied children! Suffer!!!

Oh, man, he's so excited. He must have found a quarter on the cliff in front of him.
And that quote is kind of unfortunate. It's kind of ironic that Jack follows a way which seemeth right unto a man....

HAHAHAH, what? "In sin did my mother conceive me"? Er, okay, are there any other modes of conception that don't involve sin? Remember, kids: Godly people are immaculately conceived. All of them. Ask your parents where you came from, and if they say something other than "you poofed into existence via Jesus Magic", then you are a filthy, filthy sinner.

All exalt the sentient baby! If you wave at him, he'll wave back!

I've seen this devil thing before. How unoriginal. Except this one's not as benevolent, or interesting, as that movie.

I don't get the random death quote though. Is death like having Pan trick you into bondage?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a Chick tract, not an ass-backwards postmodern thing where the cow takes the people away. The people in this panel agree too, considering how hard they're vibrating. The little goat guy has to slick the ground down with crude oil and slide them, I suppose.

-chuck- Off ya go, losers! Enjoy the hellfire! -toss- -smack- -thud- -sizzle- YAAAAA
So far I don't think any of this makes any sense. It's a big, simplified, misdirected metaphor. How is this supposed to convert people? Is the first thought that leaps to mind when you see people dumped into flames in front of their kid "AMEN JESUS!!!"? Again, with the suffering. I don't see how it's spreading around Godliness. I do see, however, that Jack Chick is a sadist.

Isn't Gawd usually much taller than everyone else? Why does God imagine crying children with crucifixes behind them, like that's what they're crying about? What a self-important asshole. Can't he just conjure up some satisfaction because he's Almighty God and whatnot, without tormenting children? ..... haha, you knew the answer to that one; no.

I find it very, very surprising that Chick doesn't have any qualms about portraying Jesus as black. It is closer to what he was though, middle eastern.

"For God sent not a big black arrow into the sky to misdirect Jesus on his way down to the Great Ear-ish Moon, but that he would know where to go because his thoughts were preoccupied with the salvation of random kneeless children."

I'm sorry, this just.... the..... Jesus seemed to have missed a step off the God Cloud.... "Bye, Jesus"... too much stimulus at one time.

Bahaha! Pay the toll first, zombie Jesus! Pay the $5 to see the Wolf Child Rufus!

"Hey, okay, how about this. You get to nail me to a big wooden T, I bleed profusely and die violently and painfully on a mountaintop, suffer as much as I can, and then I can have Wolf Child Rufus. Sound okay?"
"Dude, no. $5. What do I need your flayed corpse for? I mean, it's not going to be a guaranteed salvation thing, people can still reject you and stuff. I don't know why you didn't bother safeguarding your whole salvation theory to where there's no other option besides worshipping you, you are GOD, but... well.... alright, I guess. You'll cheapen it by resurrecting, but... alright. More souls for me."

HAHAHAAHAHA! Oh, man, what is that, some spontaneous hair growth syndrome? Do you bleed hair or something? Weirdo! HAHAAH!

Oh, great, the last thing that kid needs is to see more people die in front of him. That's good for his psychological well-being.

And so Pan put him in a giant ceramic pot for three days and three nights, watching his body decay the whole time....

HE IS RISEN! Pan shakes in his backward, bowlegged cleats! Who's your savior now, bitch? Jesusman, Jesusman, doing the things that Jesus can.

"Hey kid, remember that time I hung from thick rusted nails in my hands and bled all over the ground beneath me as I rotted in the hot sun? I..."

"Please, mister, stop talking to me about this. It's scaring me."
"Aw, come on, it's a cool story! Really? You sure you don't want to hear it? Positive? Well, okay, I'll go have some guys write it down for me so you can read it later if you want. I'm gonna call it something catchy, like Hangin' Out, or The Bible, or That Time I Won a Bet and Saw Rufus the Wolf-Child. Anyway, see ya. Enjoy your salvation."

Hey! You! Wing Guy! Yeah, you! Get away from Rufus! Jesus won him first! You can't steal him! You didn't earn him!

.... Jesus was also opposed to decent grammar. I don't remember that part of the bible, but I think something in there said education was important. Apparently King James didn't bother reading it.

And they ascended at a funny angle into a large, weightless vat of cottage cheese, and the little boy ran to Anonymous. Legal proceedings will follow.

Now it's a stereotypical hat-wearing...er... Macedonian, burka-wearer, Chinese man with SARS, and a fat white guy. I had no idea Chick was so xenophobic. Has he ever seen someone foreign that wasn't wearing traditional dress, or anyone who was alive later than the 18th century?

And Jesus is sandwiched there kind of awkwardly. "YOU GUYS? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME? GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! IT'S A COOL BAR STORY! WAIT!"

....Aaaaand Jesus swoops in only to save the black little girl. Mongorians, freaky mustached Eastern Europeans, muslims and creepy-ass boy scouts in their 30s can go to hell.

Extend-O-Rope! The Rope that Extends! (tm) This offer is not available in stores, order now and receive the Eastern European Headshrinker as a free bonus to YOU!!! $19.99 +S&H.

... God sure likes killing black children.

"Hey, uh, Pan? Yeah, uh, right here, buddy. Your perspective is all screwy. Like, you know this is only going to be like three inches wide, right? It's hard to really get that you've got the reader by the neck while they're sitting in a bus stop or on a toilet.... I mean, just saying. And that's some wicked arm fuzz you got there."

So there you have it. God likes killing children. Er, that's what it implies, anyway.