Thursday, July 19, 2007


Oh shi---

Anyway, this tract is all about how Spiderman.. er, Jesus relates to your extramarital affairs, told in panoramic 22-panel innuendo. Just see, this will have nothing to do with adultery within 15 panels. (By the way, that web thing never happens, and doesn't make any sense in context)

MOTEL DELIGHT, huh? Most sleazy motels try not to sound like sleazy motels. "No one will see us here! Not even those three demons, or that angel, or even Fang! No one!"

"Terrible! These angles are just awful! Roger, take your pants off. And you, Leper Demon! You aren't in this scene! God, am I the only one who knows how to make these videos here? Okay, Chick Tract Boogaloo IV, Take two!"
Seriously, doesn't this guy just look like a mortician or something? They both look embalmed. And Uncle Mortimer is back! SHUT UP, HE'S LOADED!!!

I like how not only did the guy just start rattling off something about their kids to a strange woman, he doesn't even flinch when he sees what that demon is doing to her. She does though. Little vibrating earthquakes of terror. "You're married?! Oh god, there's pudding in my pants!"

Linda was still crying before the phone rang. The phone rang, once, twice, a third time; and sobbing, Linda forced herself to pick up the receiver. It was her eyeball. It was the last thing Linda wanted to hear: "This is so hard.... I did a.... love to.... tell me... I'm ashamed." Of course she would forgive her eyeball, especially since it hadn't ever spoken to her before. It was such a relief to finally have an honest talk with her eyeball. "Of course I forgive you, hicsob", placing gentle emphasis on the 'sob'.

Aw, Linda, don't be so paranoid. Only fags get AIDS.

Why the evil John Travolta face all of a sudden? Oooh-he's the villain. "I hope little Jessica didn't get herself pregnant! She's kind of in her mid-30s though! Oh, god, why me?"

Uncle Mike? Is that you? Hopefully in this tract he'll dehitlerify, or not talk Roger out of an abortion. Gorgeous lashes, Mike.

I was trying to comfort a lady in our church, but then we got too loud and the entire service stopped. We're not welcome at church anymore because I can't keep it in my pants. HIY-OH!

I can never keep track of what the "unthinkable" is. It's either murder, suicide, genocide, or..... the unthinkable. Gasp.

It was just a harmless fling, you know, the kind that turns you into the Peking Man with scoliosis. "Me.... Roger. You... bob." What a turd.
And then they have a Speak-for-God-a-thon.

Everybody's doing it. C'mon, mom, let me have an iPod! All the other cool kids have them!

Silly Roger, Fundie love and comfort is being preached at.
"Let's take a hard look at King David. After we finish this sausage pizza." All this innuendo is kind of creepy.

Look at David, fierce warrioring all over those sheep. With his badass harp and hardcore death metal song. He looks like he's crying. Sheesh, all that fighting for eight loud, deformed sheep? What does this have to do with adultery?


Giant says: "Hey, uh, guys.... not cool. Don't just go leave Metroids on my head. They're slimy. Just... next time, don't leave your Metroids on my head."

Loved, feared and respected, and no, not among them, not a one kept his Metroids from the head of Goliath. -Lev. 23:1-2

He has the same expression David had in "Wounded Children".
Oh, no! David is turning into Satan! Just look at those eyebrows! That beard! Those ears! And he's forgetting God, to boot.

And when the messengers came back, he promptly dislocated her legs and removed her pelvis. Angles, Jack.
Yeah, because women weren't property back then, this mattered.
The devil also, really enjoyed it, like, enough to send up 5 demons with cameras to point and laugh... all the while the angels looked upon it and frowned, the whole time, their gaze unwavering, staring intently.
Oh, Jack, naughty. Next thing you know...


God called him one of David's mighty men, "Rexter". Rexter had a machine gun for an arm.
"Look, buddy, that Mongolian-style hat gives you terrible hat hair. There's some slime coming out of a crack in the ceiling here you might want to slick your hair down with."
King David looks kind of pregnant too.

David thought his problems were over. Then the doorbell rang. "Who ordered this pizza? It's sausage." -bow chicka whawaaaaawaow-

Why? Why was David outraged? This doesn't make any sense. It's one of those "if a hizzu is a phamgla but not all stroms are gshasrs, is a trarm a fka?" statements.

And then holy shit, snakes came out of his eyes! And bombs too! And rabies!
I like these panel summaries. Keeps me nice and informed when the ugly fundamentalist pictures talk over my head. DAVID WAS OUTRAGED. DAVID WAS CAUGHT, BUT HE REPENTED! DAVID GOT GUM ALL OVER HIS SHOE! DAVID LIKES THE PUPPY.

EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Every act of adultery. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS.

You seem to know the story about David's sin, but do you really understand the basic literature of the religion you're part of? As I understand it? Do you understand, Dav-er-Roger?

Do you believe this, Roger? Are you sure? If so, I've got a bridge to sell you. HAW HAW HAW

That thing behind him has lust in its eyes. "I'm OK, I just like to lash out in random, unprovoked fits of anger!"
"I know you are, but what am I?", said Bob with a smirk. Ah! A clever arguing tactic indeed, expertly deployed.

Eat me, Bob! Fuck you! Burn in Hell! AAGHGaAGAAHAFAAA!!!1 -bum chicka waaaahh buh-wahwahwaaaah.. Ooooh, yeah...-

He also changes faces, like that guy from that Twilight Zone episode, as he dies.
How did Roger make out? We'll show you for $3.99 a minute. Have your credit card ready.

Faceless God said to Roger (who mysteriously isn't nude for his judgement):
"Blah blah, filler panel, book of life, blah".

"You see, kids, tonight we saw something magical. The lesson learned here is... if you ish will on people, it will come back to you instead. I hope you all win Ferarris and the lottery, along with lots of whores and consumer electronics. Good night."

I don't get this bizarre, occasional fourth-wall breakage that Chick tends to do when he can't end a tract well. He did this for "A Demon's Worst Nightmare", and he did it here too.

I love cheesy codas. They go well with burritos and Coke Zero.

Oh yeah! And this.


Anonymous said...

Why did the girl-on-the-side not ever stop to wonder why he was taking her to fleabag motels to get it on? She had no idea he was married, and never thought there was anything strange about this?

Lith said...

I wondered that...I assumed that her doubts about doing the act in the first panel was because he was married and she didn't want to harm his wife...

Gah. They make no sense. THEY MAKE NO SENSE.

Anonymous said...

Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.

Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.

The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet's history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it?:
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One. My personal "consolation prize".
And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.
Fuck their commandments and prophets left stranded to die.