Monday, August 13, 2007

Breaking and Entering for the Lord Isn't Illegal

This is a story of a woman who never locks her fucking gate, and stupid account of how useful Chick thinks his tracts are. God almighty. Of course, as always, it doesn't resolve the little subplots Chick sets up for no reason; and has a miserable ending that's "happy" because even if you die a horrible, violent death, it's okay, because your family won't miss you if you're 'with the Lord'. Typical fundie "value life" bullshit, where you can't abort a 'living baby' but the only reason anyone dies in these tracts is so the main character feels remorse for not leading the deceased to the Magic Sky Fairy. Ugh. Creepy; a good reminder to lock your doors at night.


Help! There's a severed hand holding the Constitution, and there's blood everywhere! Call an ambulance! He even drew the limp sinew. Gross.

0/`It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for converting.o/`
Finally, some sense adrift in this vast sea of watery, sludgy bullshit.

Wait--wait! She knows her soul needs to be saved? And she refuses his advances? Um, yeah. It's not that atheists don't believe in God, it's that they do believe in the Christian God but just hate him. I'm glad someone in this world understands atheism! Funny how it's someone who doesn't go outside, ever. God works in mysterious ways.

Where did the hair on the sides of his head go?!

So what's the problem? I'm with this lady 100%. This outright proves that Fundieism is it's own religion, nothing like real Christianity. Everything she says up until the You're sick! makes perfect sense. It's pretty hard to see her as a villain right now, honestly.

It sounds like you're ashamed of the gospel? No, idiot, she just said that you cheapen the gospel. Why is this so hard for you to understand? She's a functioning member of society, so obviously not a part of your merry cult. Probably in the middle of running errands, too. See, your life can revolve around things other than standing outside all day handing out propaganda. That sounds like fun! "You mean we can buy groceries, play soccer, eat sandwiches, all that good stuff? Really? Oop, here comes a heathen. Hey, you're going to rot in eternal fire....blah..."

Well she must know what she's talking about, because she sleeps on a cloud. Or, come to think of it, a big pile of raw dough. Hehe. I'd hate to be her in the morning, I'd start my day by clawing myself out of a sticky, suffocating risen-dough mess, peel my oily clothing from myself, and go eat Wheaties for breakfast.

I'm glad that this encounter with Fundie Fred just meant so much to her that she woke up out of her sleep to complain about it, then fell asleep mid-sentence.

I pretend the panel goes all wavy, and that song that goes "memories... light the corners of my mind, fuzzy water-colored memories..." comes on.

This is so convoluted. Almost like the whole crucifiction process.

Why can't UPS be more like this? Delivering packages from the very depths of Hell right to my door! Oh, I know why. Because it's hard to move in million-degree heat when you're wearing rain ponchos and those weird hunting hats with the wooly ears. Plus, the logistics of driving those big buses through all those tormented souls and Earth's crust are a nightmare.

"Kyle Broflovski began his arduous journey to 236 Oak St, where the last person alive named Mildred lived. He had some trouble navigating through the self-explanatory Caverns of the Lost, wading through what sounded like thunder and people screaming 'fuck', and the whole cavern smelled like farts." Jesus warned us about a lot of things. He didn't bother to warn me about the inherent dangers of driving a car while eating a poorly-made sandwich though, so I do it anyway guilt-free.

God's love gift? Please stop calling it that. It calls rape to mind.

"We love you, King Kong, we love you!" Said the souls, weeping and gnashing their teeth.

The messengers continued on their neat, gently-sloping stone staircase out of hell that for some reason the souls haven't considered using.

HAHAHA. I wonder where this stone trap door out of hell leads? It looks like Arizona, or Utah.

"The journey is almost over. In time they will reach their destination, and a new generation of Emperor penguins will replace them in the cycle of life."

They had to walk on foot all the way from the entrance to Hell to somewhere in Connecticut? That's mean. Penalty for using the Emergency Escape staircase, I guess.

Looks like she won't need to wait for a mansion in heaven; she's already got one.

"Boromir, how come you always deliver the letters? I mean, I can do it too if I had the chance. Let me do it next time." Faramir isn't going inside the house with him because he's on patrol for cops.

"Animal cwackews in my soup! Animal cwackews loop-dee-loop!" Poor woman turns into Shirley Temple in her dreams.

Pastors should know that calling people past 9pm is impolite. It's downright rude to call them at 3:13 in the morning to thank them for contributions to their church.

EEEK! There's an imposing moonlit figure about to break into my house! Help me Jesus!

"Aw, shit, it smells like sulphur! I'm never eating burritos this late again!"
Why is everyone so rude to her? First the nocturnal pastor, then Kyle just up and barges in through her window and starts yelling at her. I'll call it... A Fundie Christmas Carol.

She's so cool about them just walking into her house. I'd flip out and start cleaving him with a fireplace shovel. Then see if my expensive electronics are all still there.

Wake up! Wake up! You're being robbed!

She should stop using the evil tranquilizer not because she has nightmares, but because
a) she sporadically woke up to complain about Chick Tract fundies,
b) it dulls her senses so much that she can't tell when her windows break and messengers from Hell come into her house, and
c) she woke up pregnant and with her hair in rollers with an 11th Commandment on her bed.

Well, it's more romantic than burning your name in her lawn.
'Atta boy, blame everyone who didn't lead you to Christianity, the majority religion wherever you live.

Ah, fundie love.

Stupid dog! They're not feeding you to growl at the intruders after they left!
"Hey, Boromir, let's go home and play Quarters."

Blaming her when they 'die in their sins' or whatever, that sucks. I guess a true friend scares you into being a slave for an imaginary being.

This sounds really contrived. The poem should've ended five lines ago, now this sounds awkward. Stop writing it, now.

DJ Higgins, why would you do this to your fellow man? Why do you hate us?
I imagine him sitting at a turntable, rapping:
"Rob the jewelry store, tell em make me a grill
Y-y-you-you didn't innerduce me to Je-je-jesus wickiwaw wickiwahwaw REMIX DeeJAY Hig-gu-gu-gins!"

"It seemed so real! I'm wet and shaky. Wait, where is my TV?"

She's just now noticing the hole in the window where the burglars escaped.

Mildred, assuming you are, as you say, Christian, in all likelihood Frances is already some denomination of some Abrahamic religion. Something tells me she's not Shinto. No need to tell her random facts about Jesus.

Blah, blah, 3:16.
Why is the accompanying panel to 3:16 always meaningless?

What just happened? Oh, I see. God's an ass. He decided to reveal all this to her after her friend died, so she'll feel guilty about this for the rest of her life. Why does God torture people who are already worship him? Just because they're foils for fundamentalists in the first three panels?

People don't "die instantly" in car accidents, they "die on impact". "Frances was okay, but a few minutes after the crash she realized what happened and up and died."

And no, she wasn't 'afraid' to tell her, it either slipped her mind or Frances was Christian anyway.

Okay, that blew. Why this undue anguish? The entire point is that you have to accept Jesus as your savior, right? Well, Mildred already did. So what then? Her friend dies, just so she learns a lesson. A loving God, you say?

What's the point of 'sharing the gospel' with someone who already adheres to that religion? That's stupid. That's like saying, 'you have to water these flowers every day,' but some one else watered them today, and you have to water them anyway.

What was the point of this tract? To make existing Christians suffer, even the imaginary ones. Pfft.

Chick should stop wasting panel real estate to advertise and just buy a billboard.


Lith said...

Hehehe...Chick tracts are so silly.

AmberKatt said...

The point of this tract, and other "Christian guilt trip" ones like it, is to guilt-trip fundies into witnessing to anyone and everyone they know or even meet. Because if there is any person in your family, social circle, workplace or school, or that you even talk to, if they die unsaved it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

There's a fundie movie for teens that is very similar to this -- a bunch of teenage friends die in a car crash or something, and only one of them was "saved" -- they go to the sorting desk or whatever, and all the kids but the one get sent to hell. So they rag on the saved kid because he never "witnessed the Gospel" to them or whatever.

belledame222 said...

That so totally makes sense that they'd have Hallmark cards in hell.

Anonymous said...

A lot of the art on this tract was ripped off from Gustave Dore's illustrations for Dante's Inferno.

Guess Chick isn't so down on Catholics after all!


ZeldaQueen said...

I find it kind of hard to believe that it would be "most unusual" for a person in Hell to ask for the messengers to take a letter to someone they knew who was still alive. If most of the people in these tracts wind up there through mistakes rather than being genuine jerks, why wouldn't they try to contact their loved ones to warn them before it's too late?

Anonymous said...

Just out of curiosity, am I the only one who noticed the massive breast that Chick drew onto the woman in Hell? The entire panel resembled some bizarre sexual fantasy; naked, nubile people writhing in flame... yuck!!

Sincerely Yours,