Saturday, September 15, 2007

Holy War!!1

Three years after the ill-planned War on Terror began, Jack Chick finally turned a TV on and watched the news. And from this incident sprang a tract, unfortunately, about potato-headed US soldiers fighting violent, potato-headed terr'ists. Sadly, no Fang in this one. But for a guy who served in the Pacific theater, he really doesn't understand how bullets work. Now onward.

"What am I doing in a Chick tract? Praying to this melted salt lick while projectile flies hit my head? This guy really is crazy."

My, they must be very proficient in English to use that as their first language. It's beyond me why they enlisted a rootin' tootin' gun-crazy Texan with a rifle though, when they clearly have it under control with their paintbrush spear cannon thing.

"They're cutting us to pieces!"
"Where's your God now, Preacher boy?"
"SHHHH! I'm on the phone! Jeez!" "Okay, mom, sorry about that. Anyway, how's Mittens doing?"

Aaaand just like in real life, his prayer goes answered without God batting an eye. Because God is ever vigilant, there haven't been any casualties in Iraq, and cancer is never contracted by Christians. Also, the dollar is gaining more over the fag-enabling Euro day by day. Gas is $1.09 a gallon, and there hasn't been a hurricane in the US since 1950.

Why would he need a massive sandstorm to save his company if they're only fighting three people anyway?

"Even if it was God, Preacher, my head wouldn't be so potato-shaped, and I could breathe through my nose if God really cared. Oh, and Max wouldn't be dying in my arms right now if God really cared, too."

.... Man, they're really packing packing the firepower on those three terr'ists. Huge flames, a helicopter, the conjoined twins limping away in the background-- going all out.

Why does Chick have it in his head that after a traumatic event like a friend's death, the most comforting thing you can tell someone is that they're in Hell for all eternity?

So, is 'Jesus' or whatever a big deal in Christianity? The concept of heaven is a Judeo-christian ideal to begin with, but who's Jesus? Like, Garcia or whatever?

How is being shot on the battlefield "dying in his sins?" And if you accept Jesus, can he really reject you? That's not how it works.

Oh, I guess he really didn't know about Jesus. He lived all his life in a pocket island between Canada and the US that no one's ever heard about which is inhabited by completely irreligious people who have never used American money, said the Pledge of Allegiance, sang O Canada, hit their thumbs with hammers, been surprised, and are unfamiliar with figurative language. What a horrible, ???forsaken place!

Draft-dodgin' collige-type pansy! Don'tcha know that when you choose to enlist in the armed forces, not even formidable Jewiness will keep you stationed at home?

Oh, shit, now he's done it. Never ask Matt Lauer to tell you about anything, unless you have infinite patience and at least 2 years of life remaining. Standard refuting of whatever follows.

On Judgment Day, your life will be shown on the AstroScreen for you to re-watch in 16:9 aspect ratio. Wait-- he's already up in the Space Cloud being judged... that means he's already dead! OH NO! Is this is a Sixth Sense type thing, where they're all already dead?

Tex Wilson!!! I hate him too! He was a sucky baseball player and his art prints are redundant and cheesy! And unless both Tex Wilsons have accepted the FundieChrist, Jesus didn't die for their sins.

That's the way. Win 'em over by jabbing at sore spots in their self-image.
And he wasn't born in a "stinking stable," he was born in a manger on a bed of straw (which isn't so far removed from the reeds, pitch and stone that was standard bedding during the bronze age), and all the animals looking on were compelled by God to stop shitting compulsively until Jesus was out. Considering all the rats and termites Jesus didn't plop onto, it's not so bad.

Not going to bother looking up how this corresponds with the actual text of the Bible, but instead of making an avatar of himself to suffer, couldn't God just forgive that petty grudge he had against Adam (a creature that didn't know what right, wrong and consequences were, therefore could not judge for himself whether to trust the snake)? Where did all the righteous people who lived before Jesus go when they died, straight to Hell?

And did Jesus actually control the angels? Doesn't God the Father do that or something?

Something incredible happened!

"Jesus created unto Himself the first Form-Flattering Dress, and lo, it shone as the Sun and illuminated itself, guiding the Savior through the darkness of the rock-pile and then forth making otherwise unpleasing women pleasing to the eye" - Joshua 14:3, regarding the first attractive dress's creation.

Those EYES. Don't look into them Benny, that's how he steals your soul!

Everybody in the trucks! The crazy Spanish peasants from Resident Evil 4 are back! They want blood! Argh argh argh slobber slobber bite.

They shouldn't fly their plane so high up, they might accidentally crash into God on his cloud or something.

"Cough cough"? Seriously? You fall on a grenade and you still have to muster up the strength to cough enough to let Chick make your death a cliche?

Is that all captains do nowadays, look like high school freshmen with loaf haircuts and Jew noses?

Oh, I was wrong about Fang not being here. I thought that of all Chick's characters, he wouldn't be deployed to Iraqi warzones, but I guess I was wrong. At least he has rats to play with.

Oh, come on. Like people with doctorates in any topic (from a real school, not whatever Henry Makow and Kent Hovind attended) are this figuratively-challenged. There's a difference between nicknaming someone, say, Doc, and them being a doctor by trade. People with doctorates should know.

Oh, fuck you. Why does EVERY RELIGION revolve around an afterlife to you, Jack? They don't all have "heaven"s because they have different philosophies. Budddhism, for example, revolves around making your life on earth better, followed by reincarnation, not heaven. Which, even though it's for different reasons, is a lie. One that makes Benny so outraged he randomly spurts facial hair.

..... has this ever happened? Seriously? Ever?

What an asshole. If you're supposed to not care what faith your soldiers follow, than you shouldn't discriminate against Christians (even the fanatical ones). Because this is a huge fucking strawman caricature, I won't go any further, but I am alarmed at the thing that's driving the truck.

No survivors. Not even the people that were praying in the back that had nothing to do with anything. KABOOM!

Oh no! They better evacuate heaven now, it's on fire!

I don't..... this is.... stubborn and pretend...... sheesh. Okay, where do I begin? "Pretend you don't believe in God"? What the fuck is that? "Ooh, I have a great idea, I'll alienate myself from the people around me because they're woefully stupid and stringent about their ancient fairytales! Yeah! That's the way to do it! And I'll go to church every week to apologize for it, of course. That's the way!" Or will you devote yourself to an afterlife that may or may not happen and squander your life in fear of a big mystical skydaddy?

I'll choose the latter option any day, if it means not turning into an intolerant moron like Chick.


The Watcher said...

What the hell kind of "chaplain" is this guy, anyway? His job is to be the religious advisor to the soldiers, so when one tells him "Hey, I'm saved!" the Chaplain calls him a Bible thumper and tells him to go away.


First Degree Deicide said...

The chaplain never said he wasn't a theist, only that he didn't accept the bible.

Anonymous said...

Just so you know, Buddhists believe in rebirth, not reincarnation. Reincarnation is the Hindu belief that upon death, our soul transfers to another form, depending on how good we were. Buddhists, however, do not believe in the soul; we believe that the experiences and karma of past lives survives, not the soul, which is a fictional invention. Just thought I'd point out a common mistake. By the way, has Jack Chick done any tracks that are explicitly anti-Semitic? I'm only asking because all of the vampires in "First Bite" looked like poorly drawn Jewish stereotypes.