Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Puppykilling Atheists

Enter the Jabberwock will have this same tract dissected in very much the same way I will in two or so days. Just watch. I think he's on to me. The last few of his have been mine, with slightly different wording, and usually about 53 more comments than mine. Pay attention to the dates. But no matter.

So kiddies, have you been baptizing your beloved pets in the name of the Lawd? 'Cause if you haven't been, they're rotting in hell right now being pushed facefirst through flaming sink incinerators while being raped with serrated knives. Or, I think that's how the story goes. It's hard to understand this tract because it's really an awfully bad metaphor. But something about Jesus, love, God, blah blah, Salvation, blah. Now featuring a lagoon monster named Cleo.

Oh my god! What is it? It's... It's got a large, single porcelain tooth coming out of its dirty-yellow maw, and a human femur under its toeless paw! Run! Oh my god, oh my fucking god, RUN FOR THE NUCLEAR SHELTER!!

"Before we start our trip, we'd all better go back in the house to see if we forgot anything. First aid kit... check.... picnic basket... check... map and hotel information.... check.... cardboard 'ZZZZZZZ' placard...check.... dog that has been dead long enough for rigor mortis to set in... check.... pants-wetting behemoth butterfly.... check...."

That kid looks like someone just sucked out his soul. ... Hey, wait a minute, I think I understand what's going on here. There's a reason we can't see his hand or his lower body, and he looks so surprised.

"Arf Arf" Ladies, gents, meet John Wayne Gacy's dog. Woofy the Long-lashed Pirate-Bearded Dog Thing. I'm sorry, this thing just strikes an icicle into all my inner being. It came out of a horrible, demented carnival. It wants blood. It cannot feel. It is a merciless murder machine. This is a prime example of Chick overcutesying his characters until they become sticky, hyperglycemic monsters.

Woo! Here's some of that gravity-defiance/background indistinction that Chick is famous for. Now, is JWGD sliding on the car door, or onto grass, or what? It's less of a slide than a superglued-by-the-butt-to-the-car-door stance. Either way, I'd hate to drive a car/have a lawn that looks that much like human hair.

.... Out of the ashes... This thing... chasing the gigantic mutant butterfly....

Is Grandma gonna DIE? He's so excited about this. This is one of those "and we get to see a guy with a finger missing! Coooool!" things that kids say. Just like explosions. You know. They shouldn't be driving on I-35 West... not until it gets fixed....

I'm glad Chickville has roving dogcatchers with deformed spines and very-bitable crotches. Stupid.

This... holy god... why..... is the cross-eye thing supposed to be cute, or what? I feel nothing for this grotesque monstrosity. I wonder how it eats; its tongue is always half-out.

Oh, now it catches on. It's in a giant whaling net. They're about to paint the beaches red with its blood, in addition to those... uh... they look like really enthusiastic Eskimos? Like, tiled. Maybe. I don't understand it either.

CLEO! Help! I'm drowning in this tablecloth quicksand! Help! It's stylizing me! I look horrendous! Help, before I get sucked into the Chickverse Vortex!!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!

... PLEASE don't let her get killed. We all know how much you like killing innocent things, but could you, like, hold off on the deathfest for 3 days? I mean, all those African children are game, but please, PLEASE don't kill my darling puppy-monster.

Stay stylish with Bono Nascar shades.

I feel sick too!

Okay, is this starting to bother anyone else? Why does this kid keep saying these "oh, whoops, looks like I drove over my cell phone, time to get a new one" phrases? Like, he's seething with sarcasm when he says this. I don't blame him, I'd want to get rid of that lagoon beast too.

Slurp slurp, oh baby.... jeez, racy or what?

-toss- Eh, okay, here's your new home. If you could, trim down your beard please. It makes the other puppies uncomfortable.

Okay, I want to know what the fuck is this kid's problem. Is he just pathologically afraid of everything? He looks like he's staring at a huge fucking brown recluse on the back of his sleazy car-salesman father's head. Maybe the sliver storm going on behind him creeps him out. Or his father's apathy.

Oh my god. Seriously, does Timmy have Down's? Why is his face so round and his eyes so buggy? They aren't even focused! He's always hugging his father. This is freaky. Another thing, why does he always, always turn the conversation toward God saving Cleo? Like, fuck granny, I want my creepy oral-sex-whore lapdog!!!11

And it seems that Bob Vila finally got his Ph.D. and is .... operating on fundie parents.

Wooo, skyscrapers with multiple personalities. Norman Bates-ish, ain't it? He's either Timmy or Grandma.

And what is that horrible liverspotted thing? It needs its reading glasses apparently. Chick is eagerly counting down the time he has before he can kill a puppy. That says it all right there.

Isn't Timmy just the most annoying manchild you've ever seen? How long til we get there? How long til we get there? I'd shoot the kid behind a quiet barn between the eyes, personally.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't kill it! It's a super-duper-rare kind of aardvark!

What bothers me is how awful he is at basic math/reading. How many dogs are here, Herb? Why, there are clearly 3.

Finally, we get to see this bug-eyed monster die. I know what my nightmares will be about tonight.

No! Stop! This is a base of the United States Armed Forces! Deadly force is authorized. I mean, I won't mind, but that definitely isn't a pound. Detainment chambers and guards on the wall? What kind of animals do they keep?

Oh, now Cleo develops navel mouth. Watch your hand, Jew Animal Control Officer, because that's a nuclear dog you've got there.

There! I've finally pinpointed where I've seen that horrid face before. Behold: Dramatic chipmunk. You know, I get the feeling that all the skin is going to crawl away from his eyes, until he's just a scalp with horrible, horrible eyes staring into forever. God that would rock so hard.

Oh, oh, cheap. Why the fuck does Chick just up and stop caring on some of these panels? Oh, okay, he's slamming himself in the door. That's much better.

I have to kill this dog! Raaaar, I'm a bald guy with giant ears! You caught me in the nick of time, I was about to rape your dog, considering how Chick gave it an arrow instead of an asshole (why he didn't just leave it off is beyond me). You can pay at the office, and we accept all major forms of rap----payment, uh, yeah....

She has no eyes! SHE HAS NO EYES!!! That is really, really creepy.

Oh, my god, please make this stop. This is scarring my psyche. He loves that dog a little too much. Jack Chick, I know you love to draw make-out scenes, but for the love of all things holy at least don't endorse children tongue-stabbing dogs. I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't allow that.

No, no you didn't. You learned (if you didn't already know) that you kid is an annoying little shit that doesn't give a damn about their immediate family, but instead the horrible monster creature thing you probably bought him and are unaware of his affinity to bestiality toward.

And... the dog is still going. That's an awfully affectionate dog.

Crazy old Jack, always spinning the least god-related instances with some sort of "hey y'all jeeeesus did this" twist.

Yeah, God's a doghumper. I kind of like "Herb" being an avatar of god, it's more accurate to what he is than the Bible God incarnation.

Who cares if you ran into deep trouble? Unless that's what caused a bomb to go off behind your head, why is this relevant?

Cleo looks like she needs a smoke. Amirite?

This is so unnecessary. If Chick was more efficient, this tract would be four panels long. But that would entail clipping off some of the bullshit, which is probably less likely than the Rapture.

That there's some irony, good news (TM) with an asterisk.

Blah, blah, whatever, Jesus, fuck off. That's not awesome.

Pray like this Timmy? Not any old Timmy, but this particular Timmy?

WOW! Cleo is still really, really horny! This is so awesome!!!


What a dark, creepy journey that was. Hopefully next time Chick can keep his paraphilia to himself. This had absolutely nothing to do with Jeeezus either, so I don't understand what just happened. Apparently you too can go to heaven--- if I see a receipt within 10 minutes.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Oh, Not This Again

Woo! Got here first.

Anyway, here's a brand-spankin'-new tract, kindly placed under our ready knives.

Good question! I'm pretty curious where Chick's brains went too. But you won't find them by staring at a kiln in the distance.

Apathetic Doctor: He's gone. Sure looks happy though, that's not normal. He's probably in Heaven, groping some angels, like this. -grope grope-
Fatty: Oh, No! Sons of bitches, sons of bitches! My huge forearms are melting into my face! Help!

I just love the starry-eyed admiration of the one on the left. Most of Chick's demons have no genitals, but this one seems to have a boner on its forehead. Maybe a little too much admiration?

I turned his family against him. I split his church and put him under so much stress he developed cancer. I don't know how cancer works, so I just made some shit up and put it in boldface because that puts needless emphasis on it and makes it sound more dramatic.

The next part here baffles me, because it's impossible to tell who is talking, the fat one or the boner demon. But all that aside, talk like that will be dangerous if fundies keep pushing their relentless "decency" laws.

Do I hafta be here? That's a good question, because it seems that the people are picnicking next to a miniaturized barn on an anthill. You can't even tell what it is, so why would you be there in the first place?

And maybe it's just that funeral sermons are boring, not that there are demons plugging up your ears. Apparently the Devil has better foresight than God, because he knows what the sermon will be about before it begins (and God, however, can't seem to predict things like sin and Lucifer becoming the devil).

What is this, the aquarium tank of half-human half-fish hybrids? Why is the maitre'di so offended by the words "this the judgement"? This seems to be a panel of European stereotypes, starting from the fat German looking guy and the Englishwoman with bad teeth. Chick is racist, d'you know that? This is exhausting.

WTF? Seriously. What does that mean, "we should dump him"? You're going to kill the funeral orator? You're going to drop him in a pile of trash? You're going to break up with him? What does that mean?

And that poor woman is so terrified and outraged and shocked that she's missing a soap opera, like she didn't choose to go to the funeral anyway.

"Might catch you again"? So this guy's a sleaze, why is it impressive that he's ooh, evil, sinning, and under demonic influence? How's that demonstrating the power of teh devil!!111?

Whoa, the 3:16 rubber-stamp panel came awfully soon. Chick's got low stamina these days.

What a smug asshole. I'd "dump" him too. He looks like a potato and is reading off stupid things.

AWWWWW SAD PUPPY EYES AWWW!!! It's okay, sweetie, God is your umbrella! Aww, now I feel bad... do you want a lollipop? I mean, it's sad that your creepy paranoid predictions won't happen and you'll have your dreams crushed, but awwww!

Vampire Woman is easily excited, considering she shouldn't care, as she has been one of the undead for thousands of years (probably).

Oh no! Voldemort is coming!

Well, something big is in the wind, considering that explosive fart he just ripped. At least he's embarrassed, tee hee!

"But Master, the world already belongs to you!*stupidbiblequote* Through your domination of music and television, you own the world! Blah blah blah! Hollister! MTV! I'm totally 'hip' to the 'jive' of young people today, aren't I?"

If anything moves.... what?

FANG! Back from the dead.. or, coming in to save this tract! Woo!

God, doesn't the anteater know it's rude to pick its nose? And luckily it has a grain of common sense, most people realize the Rapture was a bunch of footnote AND THEN ALL THE BUILDINGS AND PEOPLE EXPLODE BOOOM!!! crap.

That's a really, really small town he lives in. Made mostly of barns.

Prophecy Conference? What's there to confer about? Hasn't everyone heard that tired old story before?

Oh my fucking god, not this again. Russia is not (Magog). Let's check in at the Wikipedia page for "Magog".

Gog and Magog are an ambiguous Biblical pair associated with apocalyptic prophecy, and are also mentioned in the Qur'an as Yajooj (Gog) and Majooj (Magog).

Magog can also refer to:

The main article for Gog and Magog is a bunch of twisted loopy bullshit, but the point is that during the Cold War someone decided to say Russia was Magog. The Bible's authors weren't stupid, it seems that because it's so ambiguous that anyone posing a general threat to anyone can fit right in. It's weird, it's almost chronological; whoever was the greatest danger during the time period was identified as Gog or Magog. It's all evangelical fundie Godvomit, and since Chick is a racist, mysogenistic, decaying bastard who still thinks it's the 1950s, it'll be Russia this time.

There's no mention of the US in the Bible because it didn't exist until 1776, simple as that. It was written in the times, for the times, and anyone who says it is timeless and unchanging is a gullible liar.

Oooh, okay. I guess we're throwing chauvinist into the mix too. I kind of don't get this, is Chick the froggy guy in the turtleneck or Commander Grim? Is he both? Is he just omnipresent? Or is he just pulling this out of his ass? Huh, guess which.

Waaah, boo hoo. Just because the government doesn't endorse Christianity, doesn't mean you can't. That's what Amendment Numero Uno is for. Oh, sorry, that sounded Spanish, and everyone knows Spanish is eeevil. Amendment number one, for all you raving xenophobes who take this garbage seriously. OH NO! Anything but new laws! You know, the 14th-16th amendments were "new laws" once.

Who. Fucking. Cares? This was all written down years after Jesus' death/resurrection/whatever, and was ancient by the time it was written down. Next panel please.

Why can't your "blessed hope" be that everyone converts to Christianity during the Rapture? Wouldn't that be more charitable? Oooh, forgot what religion we're talking about.

Yeah, three weeks. Okay. So why is Jesus not descending from heaven with a shout?

And then.... all the people who were supposed to be in heaven already go to heaven. What?

Oh noes, infidels in bulky sweatpants! Worshiping someone named Allahu!

So, the magic words are "Lord, I'm ready"? Cool. When the rapture rolls around, like it has been rolling around for the past couple of thousand years, that'll save me from the scimitar-wielding A-rabs. God is also a nudist.

Lo, blessed sperms, return to me!

I got your proof of evolution right here. These strange chimp-like creatures seem to have human offspring. That's not what the theory says, but can I have my million dollars now, Mr. Hovind?

He'll meet you in the air kinda buy the tire store around sixish to give you your "salvation".

Yeah yeah yeah! I didn't know they were such U2 fans. I can feeeEEEeeeel...... feeEeeeell... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaah!

Uh, alrighty then. All those months of work... went into that.... is Chick just pissing away the time until he dies by drawing as many of these as he can? Quantity over quality type thing? Kind of a crossword-a-day thing?