Anyway, this tract is all about how Spiderman.. er, Jesus relates to your extramarital affairs, told in panoramic 22-panel innuendo. Just see, this will have nothing to do with adultery within 15 panels. (By the way, that web thing never happens, and doesn't make any sense in context) --- MOTEL DELIGHT, huh? Most sleazy motels try not to sound like sleazy motels. "No one will see us here! Not even those three demons, or that angel, or even Fang! No one!"
"Terrible! These angles are just awful! Roger, take your pants off. And you, Leper Demon! You aren't in this scene! God, am I the only one who knows how to make these videos here? Okay, Chick Tract Boogaloo IV, Take two!" Seriously, doesn't this guy just look like a mortician or something? They both look embalmed. And Uncle Mortimer is back! SHUT UP, HE'SLOADED!!!
I like how not only did the guy just start rattling off something about their kids to a strange woman, he doesn't even flinch when he sees what that demon is doing to her. She does though. Little vibrating earthquakes of terror. "You're married?! Oh god, there's pudding in my pants!"
Linda was still crying before the phone rang. The phone rang, once, twice, a third time; and sobbing, Linda forced herself to pick up the receiver. It was her eyeball. It was the last thing Linda wanted to hear: "This is so hard.... I did a.... love to.... tell me... I'm ashamed." Of course she would forgive her eyeball, especially since it hadn't ever spoken to her before. It was such a relief to finally have an honest talk with her eyeball. "Of course I forgive you, hicsob", placing gentle emphasis on the 'sob'.
Aw, Linda, don't be so paranoid. Only fags get AIDS.
Why the evil John Travolta face all of a sudden? Oooh-he's the villain. "I hope little Jessica didn't get herself pregnant! She's kind of in her mid-30s though! Oh, god, why me?"
I was trying to comfort a lady in our church, but then we got too loud and the entire service stopped. We're not welcome at church anymore because I can't keep it in my pants. HIY-OH!
I can never keep track of what the "unthinkable" is. It's either murder, suicide, genocide, or..... the unthinkable. Gasp.
It was just a harmless fling, you know, the kind that turns you into the Peking Man with scoliosis. "Me.... Roger. You... bob." What a turd. And then they have a Speak-for-God-a-thon.
Everybody's doing it. C'mon, mom, let me have an iPod! All the other cool kids have them!
Silly Roger, Fundie love and comfort is being preached at. "Let's take a hard look at King David. After we finish this sausage pizza." All this innuendo is kind of creepy.
Look at David, fierce warrioring all over those sheep. With his badass harp and hardcore death metal song. He looks like he's crying. Sheesh, all that fighting for eight loud, deformed sheep? What does this have to do with adultery?
Giant says: "Hey, uh, guys.... not cool. Don't just go leave Metroids on my head. They're slimy. Just... next time, don't leave your Metroids on my head."
Loved, feared and respected, and no, not among them, not a one kept his Metroids from the head of Goliath. -Lev. 23:1-2
He has the same expression David had in "Wounded Children". Oh, no! David is turning into Satan! Just look at those eyebrows! That beard! Those ears! And he's forgetting God, to boot.
And when the messengers came back, he promptly dislocated her legs and removed her pelvis. Angles, Jack. Yeah, because women weren't property back then, this mattered. The devil also, really enjoyed it, like, enough to send up 5 demons with cameras to point and laugh... all the while the angels looked upon it and frowned, the whole time, their gaze unwavering, staring intently. Oh, Jack, naughty. Next thing you know...
DAVID WAS CAUGHT! ON TAPE! BY SATAN! HEY GUYS! THE PATERNITY TESTING WAS PRETTY SPOTTY BACK THEN! SHE COULD'VE PULLED A VIRGIN MARY!
God called him one of David's mighty men, "Rexter". Rexter had a machine gun for an arm. "Look, buddy, that Mongolian-style hat gives you terrible hat hair. There's some slime coming out of a crack in the ceiling here you might want to slick your hair down with." King David looks kind of pregnant too.
David thought his problems were over. Then the doorbell rang. "Who ordered this pizza? It's sausage." -bow chicka whawaaaaawaow-
Why? Why was David outraged? This doesn't make any sense. It's one of those "if a hizzu is a phamgla but not all stroms are gshasrs, is a trarm a fka?" statements.
And then holy shit, snakes came out of his eyes! And bombs too! And rabies! I like these panel summaries. Keeps me nice and informed when the ugly fundamentalist pictures talk over my head. DAVID WAS OUTRAGED. DAVID WAS CAUGHT, BUT HE REPENTED! DAVID GOT GUM ALL OVER HIS SHOE! DAVID LIKES THE PUPPY.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Every act of adultery. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You seem to know the story about David's sin, but do you really understand the basic literature of the religion you're part of? As I understand it? Do you understand, Dav-er-Roger?
Do you believe this, Roger? Are you sure? If so, I've got a bridge to sell you. HAW HAW HAW
That thing behind him has lust in its eyes. "I'm OK, I just like to lash out in random, unprovoked fits of anger!" "I know you are, but what am I?", said Bob with a smirk. Ah! A clever arguing tactic indeed, expertly deployed.
He also changes faces, like that guy from that Twilight Zone episode, as he dies. How did Roger make out? We'll show you for $3.99 a minute. Have your credit card ready.
Faceless God said to Roger (who mysteriously isn't nude for his judgement): "Blah blah, filler panel, book of life, blah".
"You see, kids, tonight we saw something magical. The lesson learned here is... if you ish will on people, it will come back to you instead. I hope you all win Ferarris and the lottery, along with lots of whores and consumer electronics. Good night."
I don't get this bizarre, occasional fourth-wall breakage that Chick tends to do when he can't end a tract well. He did this for "A Demon's Worst Nightmare", and he did it here too.
I love cheesy codas. They go well with burritos and Coke Zero.
Here I pick apart those little religious comics you find at bus stops and in bathrooms, Jack Chick tracts (online index here). I got this idea from Enter the Jabberwock's site, and from a few of my friends who love his dissections. I've read all of them and found them all hilarious, but what bothered me is that if you google "chick tract parody", you don't really get many sites. I love what Jabberwock does, so I wanted to kind of perpetuate the fundiebusting. Of course, all the comics are copyright whenever by Jack Chick.
All graphics on this particular blog are copyright Jack T. Chick. If you haven't seen the various other disclaimers, that's who they belong to.
Most of the words, however, are Junior's. That is, A.D.'s, starting in 2007. If you want to quote me, feel free, but please cite me. If you want to use the pictures however, you'll have to go to the source and do so at your own risk.
By the way, the header graphic of the whore is from the tract "Man in Black."