Sunday, November 4, 2007

Oh, Not This Again

Woo! Got here first.

Anyway, here's a brand-spankin'-new tract, kindly placed under our ready knives.

Good question! I'm pretty curious where Chick's brains went too. But you won't find them by staring at a kiln in the distance.

Apathetic Doctor: He's gone. Sure looks happy though, that's not normal. He's probably in Heaven, groping some angels, like this. -grope grope-
Fatty: Oh, No! Sons of bitches, sons of bitches! My huge forearms are melting into my face! Help!

I just love the starry-eyed admiration of the one on the left. Most of Chick's demons have no genitals, but this one seems to have a boner on its forehead. Maybe a little too much admiration?

I turned his family against him. I split his church and put him under so much stress he developed cancer. I don't know how cancer works, so I just made some shit up and put it in boldface because that puts needless emphasis on it and makes it sound more dramatic.

The next part here baffles me, because it's impossible to tell who is talking, the fat one or the boner demon. But all that aside, talk like that will be dangerous if fundies keep pushing their relentless "decency" laws.

Do I hafta be here? That's a good question, because it seems that the people are picnicking next to a miniaturized barn on an anthill. You can't even tell what it is, so why would you be there in the first place?

And maybe it's just that funeral sermons are boring, not that there are demons plugging up your ears. Apparently the Devil has better foresight than God, because he knows what the sermon will be about before it begins (and God, however, can't seem to predict things like sin and Lucifer becoming the devil).

What is this, the aquarium tank of half-human half-fish hybrids? Why is the maitre'di so offended by the words "this the judgement"? This seems to be a panel of European stereotypes, starting from the fat German looking guy and the Englishwoman with bad teeth. Chick is racist, d'you know that? This is exhausting.

WTF? Seriously. What does that mean, "we should dump him"? You're going to kill the funeral orator? You're going to drop him in a pile of trash? You're going to break up with him? What does that mean?

And that poor woman is so terrified and outraged and shocked that she's missing a soap opera, like she didn't choose to go to the funeral anyway.

"Might catch you again"? So this guy's a sleaze, why is it impressive that he's ooh, evil, sinning, and under demonic influence? How's that demonstrating the power of teh devil!!111?

Whoa, the 3:16 rubber-stamp panel came awfully soon. Chick's got low stamina these days.

What a smug asshole. I'd "dump" him too. He looks like a potato and is reading off stupid things.

AWWWWW SAD PUPPY EYES AWWW!!! It's okay, sweetie, God is your umbrella! Aww, now I feel bad... do you want a lollipop? I mean, it's sad that your creepy paranoid predictions won't happen and you'll have your dreams crushed, but awwww!

Vampire Woman is easily excited, considering she shouldn't care, as she has been one of the undead for thousands of years (probably).

Oh no! Voldemort is coming!

Well, something big is in the wind, considering that explosive fart he just ripped. At least he's embarrassed, tee hee!

"But Master, the world already belongs to you!*stupidbiblequote* Through your domination of music and television, you own the world! Blah blah blah! Hollister! MTV! I'm totally 'hip' to the 'jive' of young people today, aren't I?"

If anything moves.... what?

FANG! Back from the dead.. or, coming in to save this tract! Woo!

God, doesn't the anteater know it's rude to pick its nose? And luckily it has a grain of common sense, most people realize the Rapture was a bunch of footnote AND THEN ALL THE BUILDINGS AND PEOPLE EXPLODE BOOOM!!! crap.

That's a really, really small town he lives in. Made mostly of barns.

Prophecy Conference? What's there to confer about? Hasn't everyone heard that tired old story before?

Oh my fucking god, not this again. Russia is not (Magog). Let's check in at the Wikipedia page for "Magog".

Gog and Magog are an ambiguous Biblical pair associated with apocalyptic prophecy, and are also mentioned in the Qur'an as Yajooj (Gog) and Majooj (Magog).

Magog can also refer to:

The main article for Gog and Magog is a bunch of twisted loopy bullshit, but the point is that during the Cold War someone decided to say Russia was Magog. The Bible's authors weren't stupid, it seems that because it's so ambiguous that anyone posing a general threat to anyone can fit right in. It's weird, it's almost chronological; whoever was the greatest danger during the time period was identified as Gog or Magog. It's all evangelical fundie Godvomit, and since Chick is a racist, mysogenistic, decaying bastard who still thinks it's the 1950s, it'll be Russia this time.

There's no mention of the US in the Bible because it didn't exist until 1776, simple as that. It was written in the times, for the times, and anyone who says it is timeless and unchanging is a gullible liar.

Oooh, okay. I guess we're throwing chauvinist into the mix too. I kind of don't get this, is Chick the froggy guy in the turtleneck or Commander Grim? Is he both? Is he just omnipresent? Or is he just pulling this out of his ass? Huh, guess which.

Waaah, boo hoo. Just because the government doesn't endorse Christianity, doesn't mean you can't. That's what Amendment Numero Uno is for. Oh, sorry, that sounded Spanish, and everyone knows Spanish is eeevil. Amendment number one, for all you raving xenophobes who take this garbage seriously. OH NO! Anything but new laws! You know, the 14th-16th amendments were "new laws" once.

Who. Fucking. Cares? This was all written down years after Jesus' death/resurrection/whatever, and was ancient by the time it was written down. Next panel please.

Why can't your "blessed hope" be that everyone converts to Christianity during the Rapture? Wouldn't that be more charitable? Oooh, forgot what religion we're talking about.

Yeah, three weeks. Okay. So why is Jesus not descending from heaven with a shout?

And then.... all the people who were supposed to be in heaven already go to heaven. What?

Oh noes, infidels in bulky sweatpants! Worshiping someone named Allahu!

So, the magic words are "Lord, I'm ready"? Cool. When the rapture rolls around, like it has been rolling around for the past couple of thousand years, that'll save me from the scimitar-wielding A-rabs. God is also a nudist.

Lo, blessed sperms, return to me!

I got your proof of evolution right here. These strange chimp-like creatures seem to have human offspring. That's not what the theory says, but can I have my million dollars now, Mr. Hovind?

He'll meet you in the air kinda buy the tire store around sixish to give you your "salvation".

Yeah yeah yeah! I didn't know they were such U2 fans. I can feeeEEEeeeel...... feeEeeeell... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaah!

Uh, alrighty then. All those months of work... went into that.... is Chick just pissing away the time until he dies by drawing as many of these as he can? Quantity over quality type thing? Kind of a crossword-a-day thing?


Warren said...

I absolutely love the fact that Satan needs reading glasses.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what all that "UN is being mean to Israel" bullshit is about. Does any of that really matter?

If it's a sign of the end-times, then why are fundies so pissed off about it? Don't they want to get raptured?

Jr. said...

One thing I forgot to add, Jesus was probably describing World War I, and because this ball of yarn's still rolling, it's World War III he's describing now that the first two have already transpired.

torch said...

Wow, Chick is inconsistent with his comics. I mean, this time, all the people in the graves went up to heaven at the same time. I've also seen in Chick Tracts that the people who died appear naked before God, appear clothed before God, already in hell, get shoved into hell, or get escorted to be judged by an angel individually. So...which is it?

Christina said...

I love how Satan needs some random pastor to explain Revelations to him. You'd think he'd know it pretty well by now ... he's had 2,000 years to think about it ...

Me said...

Oh... fucking crazy bullshit. Fucking crazy antisemit.