Attack of the Gay Strawmen

Ahh!
Good to be back. Nice and rested and ready to tackle Chick's Christofascist bullshittery.
I hope you guys like the new color scheme and title banner and stuff; I've had some time to revise them and, uh, uncrappify them. I like them this way, but your thoughts are more than welcome on this!

Today I bring you a 22-page gay stereotype that seems lost in the transition from Bronze Age fairytale to 21st Century fairytale.

Even Fred Carter's art won't save this thing from being a piece of shit.
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Oh no! That giant skull is about to fall on that innocent city made of sawtooth polygons! Look at that thick yellow gas plume. That is what Jack Chick sees out his bunker window when he bothers to look out every three years.

Oh, fair enough. "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" sounds like a pretty unbiased source! Especially on gay affairs. Because AIDS is caused by The Gay.

Still, strange cone-haired woman, there is another reason why they will not be called "sissies", and that reason is that it's not 1956 anymore. Besides the cheap-shot caricatures, I completely agree with the sign, "Hate is not a family value". Apparently, Chick disagrees.

Aaaand now "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" has become simply "AIDS Video". Way to go that extra mile for quality work, Jack.

Everyone, watch out! If a "certain level" of AIDS funding (no, not AIDS prevention/cure/research funding, mind you, AIDS funding) isn't reached by a "certain date", they'll resort to giving blood. Next thing you know they'll be building orphanages, feeding the homeless and volunteering for Meals on Wheels! NOOOO! NOT SOCIETAL GOOD! ANYTHING BUT IMPROVING THE COMMUNITY!!! ESPECIALLY OUT OF GOODWILL AND NOT A DESIRE FOR SOME POST-MORTEM GOODIE BAG!

See, back in '59 when Chick gave up all forms of socialization and the outside world to live in his grotto, the blood-screening technology that detects infections did not exist. Since this is what Jack imagines The Future to be like (wait for it, he probably thinks the hovercar has been invented by now), weird haircuts and militant gays and all, there will be some discrepancies between Reality!!!!1 and, erm, reality. Which is why this seems completely plausible to him.

And quick check, how is this supposed to lead someone to Christ?

Oooh! The Videocameras of the Future! They're still bulky, unwieldy and require extensive weight training; but they have slits on the backs for ventilation. Truly, a leap in human ingenuity. The limitless imagination of the mind never ceases to amaze.

And I guess "Charlie" is supposed to be Carter's version of Uncle Mike. With rape in his eyes.

Hahaha, me too, random homosexual. I don't want to hear it either, but now that you've poked the mountain lion we'll hear this anyway.

... Note that Charlie was not actually filming that rally. He was just... there.... for some reason. No comment on the... the... what would you call something like that? Weird bondage earring taxidriver muttonchop man thing?

Is this the Abraham that was supposed to sacrifice his son to God for no real reason, then God was all, "hehe, just kidding, guy, don't kill your own kid."? Probably. But why the mugshots? He didn't actually kill his son.

Wait, why do Abraham and Lot have their own herdsmen? Who cares who herds around which cows? It's the same damn land. Oh. Whoa, forgot this was the Bronze age for a second. Back when people were singleminded simpletons that did what voices in their heads told them to unquestioningly.

Well, if it's whatever land he wanted and he picked the land he wanted, what's the problem? Besides the radiocatively monstrous gila lizards roaming the dirt waiting to devour them, of course. If Abraham had the Plains of Jordan, would that make him greedy too?

He didn't know he chose to live in Doom Town because he was unaware that miles and miles of land could only have one city in them.

Yeah, measuring out 2x4s serves God. Please, please tell me how.

Of course it was the worst mistake he ever made, he just aged about 30 years. And apparently his health is failing, and he spends his days looking at shiny things now.

Chick and Carter relished drawing this panel. Just look at that scene-stealing man-on-man action. Beats me why they'd spend so much time illustrating passionate kisses between the freakiest one-size-fits-most stereotypes I'd ever seen, but let's divert our gaze to the background.

..... That was hard, wasn't it. Anyway, good of chick to include the fairies on the back of these guys' cloaks. I don't know why he'd put in the semiclothed child though.... is that even legal?

Then move, dumbass.

Um, I have yet to see or hear a homosexual talk about their partners as "wives". And all these steamy makeout scenes are creeping me out.

Augh augh augh, ook ook! It's that time again. -poop fling-

Ignoring the stupid, stupid implications of this (that all gays are effeminate, and molest children). Come on guys, massive group eyeroll, and let's move on.

Wait, wait, wait. Nowhere in the bible does God actually physically come to anyone's house for any reason. So, bullshit.

So, going on that logic, I don't think that blurry washerwoman is in charge of destroying Sodom. Abe's vision must not be too good these days.
Isn't 50 just such a weird number? Considering there are only what, 9 other people in Sodom, of course he's not gonna find 50. Quitter.

That's right, there were only 9 people total in the whole city. Is this some weird Abraham Cataract-o-Vision?

"Yeeeeees, gentlemen. Come, join me in my lair....."

No, Lot didn't move them, they invited themselves over for the night. It may've been more convenient if they, um, went back to being angels and spent the night in heaven so they wouldn't be a burden.... guess not.

I don't know why he has a Labrador puppy. I also don't remember when Party became a euphemism for Rape. And it's the return of Elvis Gay!

"Take my virgin daughters instead!" Rot in hellfire, you tapioca-faced misogynistic ass. Tip of the day: When you're trying to keep angels from getting it in the ass, don't look like you're getting it instead.

And this ladies and gents, is the missing link between ape and human. How nice of Chick to provide us with him.

You can just tell Chick is hot for this.
"... swearing, clawing perverts lunged for him... oh yeah.... with their smooth muscles, toned bodies.. all oiled up..."

The angels pulled Lot inside and.....

... whipped Lot like the nasty worthless filth that he was, ooh yeah.

No? Oh, okay. Well, at least they remain fabulous when they're blinded.
The Sodomites sure weren't very determined rapists.

It's that time again, folks.

This is fucking stupid. Why would he care if his daughters came with him? He just handed them over as rapefodder the second he was threatened. Now he's 'hesitating'. Fucking stupid.

This just gets worse and worse, doesn't it! Lot's daughters don't look a day over 14.

Then it happened..... Lot shat himself. He tried to keep it on the DL, but looks like his wife noticed the smell. Since she was not actually considered a person and thereby incapable of doing anything except having babies, she decided not to say anything.

Lovely.

GOD DOESN'T PLAY GAMES! He's dead serious, y'all! If he threatens to burn you the fuck alive because of your sex life, then by golly go to one of those stupid pray-the-gay-away camps.

Wow, god sure is intent on subjugating his creations. "Rebellion is witchcraft! Rarrrgh! Rarrgh rarrgh rarrgh! Slobberbite! Rabies!!!!"

NO, NO, NO, YOU RETARD. THAT'S MOSES. MO-SES. NOT LEVITICUS. I don't see "Thou shalt not be gay" written on those stone tablets, do you? Oh, that's right, they're completely blank.

"Well, son, I stick my neck out like this because Fred Carter can't draw me in a decent pose. You see... I was born without a spine. As a result I always look stoic and noble. I mean, if you told me to wiggle my eyebrows right now, I couldn't do it to save my life. I don't know why I was drawn with animal lust in my eyes. Please don't look at me like I just grew an extra head."

No, God doesn't. You just explained what happened to the last batch of homosexuals god got into contact with. Burned alive, remember? Not set free. Engulfed in flames. Not "wanting to save them".

And here's what gets me about the crucifixion. Do Christians not realize that it was the preferred method of execution by the Romans? Add in that Christianity was one of their favorite religions to persecute, and then you're left wondering why Jesus is so special. They loved torture and brutality for sport, so why would their executions be different? Jesus wasn't the only one who was crucified ever, and they didn't choose the most painful punishment for him just 'cause. That's just how they did it back then, historically.

His name is Sean? I'm glad we got to find that out in the penultimate panel set!
And Jesus won't cure Teh Ghey, by the way. So, get ready for a life of repression and misery enslaved to an imaginary being.


So what have we learned from all this? Well, namely, that hate is a family value in Chick's book, and that God's way of showing his love for gays is to set them aflame and let them die a painful death, then send them on to Hell, where this is repeated for eternity. Funny way of showing love, huh.

And you know what happened after Lot fled Sodom? His daughters schemed to have sex with him.