Puppykilling Atheists

Enter the Jabberwock will have this same tract dissected in very much the same way I will in two or so days. Just watch. I think he's on to me. The last few of his have been mine, with slightly different wording, and usually about 53 more comments than mine. Pay attention to the dates. But no matter.

So kiddies, have you been baptizing your beloved pets in the name of the Lawd? 'Cause if you haven't been, they're rotting in hell right now being pushed facefirst through flaming sink incinerators while being raped with serrated knives. Or, I think that's how the story goes. It's hard to understand this tract because it's really an awfully bad metaphor. But something about Jesus, love, God, blah blah, Salvation, blah. Now featuring a lagoon monster named Cleo.

Oh my god! What is it? It's... It's got a large, single porcelain tooth coming out of its dirty-yellow maw, and a human femur under its toeless paw! Run! Oh my god, oh my fucking god, RUN FOR THE NUCLEAR SHELTER!!

"Before we start our trip, we'd all better go back in the house to see if we forgot anything. First aid kit... check.... picnic basket... check... map and hotel information.... check.... cardboard 'ZZZZZZZ' placard...check.... dog that has been dead long enough for rigor mortis to set in... check.... pants-wetting behemoth butterfly.... check...."

That kid looks like someone just sucked out his soul. ... Hey, wait a minute, I think I understand what's going on here. There's a reason we can't see his hand or his lower body, and he looks so surprised.

"Arf Arf" Ladies, gents, meet John Wayne Gacy's dog. Woofy the Long-lashed Pirate-Bearded Dog Thing. I'm sorry, this thing just strikes an icicle into all my inner being. It came out of a horrible, demented carnival. It wants blood. It cannot feel. It is a merciless murder machine. This is a prime example of Chick overcutesying his characters until they become sticky, hyperglycemic monsters.

Woo! Here's some of that gravity-defiance/background indistinction that Chick is famous for. Now, is JWGD sliding on the car door, or onto grass, or what? It's less of a slide than a superglued-by-the-butt-to-the-car-door stance. Either way, I'd hate to drive a car/have a lawn that looks that much like human hair.

.... Out of the ashes... This thing... chasing the gigantic mutant butterfly....

Is Grandma gonna DIE? He's so excited about this. This is one of those "and we get to see a guy with a finger missing! Coooool!" things that kids say. Just like explosions. You know. They shouldn't be driving on I-35 West... not until it gets fixed....

I'm glad Chickville has roving dogcatchers with deformed spines and very-bitable crotches. Stupid.

This... holy god... why..... is the cross-eye thing supposed to be cute, or what? I feel nothing for this grotesque monstrosity. I wonder how it eats; its tongue is always half-out.

Oh, now it catches on. It's in a giant whaling net. They're about to paint the beaches red with its blood, in addition to those... uh... they look like really enthusiastic Eskimos? Like, tiled. Maybe. I don't understand it either.

CLEO! Help! I'm drowning in this tablecloth quicksand! Help! It's stylizing me! I look horrendous! Help, before I get sucked into the Chickverse Vortex!!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!

... PLEASE don't let her get killed. We all know how much you like killing innocent things, but could you, like, hold off on the deathfest for 3 days? I mean, all those African children are game, but please, PLEASE don't kill my darling puppy-monster.

Stay stylish with Bono Nascar shades.

I feel sick too!

Okay, is this starting to bother anyone else? Why does this kid keep saying these "oh, whoops, looks like I drove over my cell phone, time to get a new one" phrases? Like, he's seething with sarcasm when he says this. I don't blame him, I'd want to get rid of that lagoon beast too.

Stop SPREADING YOUR PATHOGEN-LADEN SPIT ALL OVER MY FACE!
Slurp slurp, oh baby.... jeez, racy or what?

-toss- Eh, okay, here's your new home. If you could, trim down your beard please. It makes the other puppies uncomfortable.

Okay, I want to know what the fuck is this kid's problem. Is he just pathologically afraid of everything? He looks like he's staring at a huge fucking brown recluse on the back of his sleazy car-salesman father's head. Maybe the sliver storm going on behind him creeps him out. Or his father's apathy.

Oh my god. Seriously, does Timmy have Down's? Why is his face so round and his eyes so buggy? They aren't even focused! He's always hugging his father. This is freaky. Another thing, why does he always, always turn the conversation toward God saving Cleo? Like, fuck granny, I want my creepy oral-sex-whore lapdog!!!11

And it seems that Bob Vila finally got his Ph.D. and is .... operating on fundie parents.

Wooo, skyscrapers with multiple personalities. Norman Bates-ish, ain't it? He's either Timmy or Grandma.

And what is that horrible liverspotted thing? It needs its reading glasses apparently. Chick is eagerly counting down the time he has before he can kill a puppy. That says it all right there.

Isn't Timmy just the most annoying manchild you've ever seen? How long til we get there? How long til we get there? I'd shoot the kid behind a quiet barn between the eyes, personally.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't kill it! It's a super-duper-rare kind of aardvark!

What bothers me is how awful he is at basic math/reading. How many dogs are here, Herb? Why, there are clearly 3.

Finally, we get to see this bug-eyed monster die. I know what my nightmares will be about tonight.

No! Stop! This is a base of the United States Armed Forces! Deadly force is authorized. I mean, I won't mind, but that definitely isn't a pound. Detainment chambers and guards on the wall? What kind of animals do they keep?

Oh, now Cleo develops navel mouth. Watch your hand, Jew Animal Control Officer, because that's a nuclear dog you've got there.

There! I've finally pinpointed where I've seen that horrid face before. Behold: Dramatic chipmunk. You know, I get the feeling that all the skin is going to crawl away from his eyes, until he's just a scalp with horrible, horrible eyes staring into forever. God that would rock so hard.

Oh, oh, cheap. Why the fuck does Chick just up and stop caring on some of these panels? Oh, okay, he's slamming himself in the door. That's much better.

I have to kill this dog! Raaaar, I'm a bald guy with giant ears! You caught me in the nick of time, I was about to rape your dog, considering how Chick gave it an arrow instead of an asshole (why he didn't just leave it off is beyond me). You can pay at the office, and we accept all major forms of rap----payment, uh, yeah....

She has no eyes! SHE HAS NO EYES!!! That is really, really creepy.

Oh, my god, please make this stop. This is scarring my psyche. He loves that dog a little too much. Jack Chick, I know you love to draw make-out scenes, but for the love of all things holy at least don't endorse children tongue-stabbing dogs. I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't allow that.

No, no you didn't. You learned (if you didn't already know) that you kid is an annoying little shit that doesn't give a damn about their immediate family, but instead the horrible monster creature thing you probably bought him and are unaware of his affinity to bestiality toward.

And... the dog is still going. That's an awfully affectionate dog.

Crazy old Jack, always spinning the least god-related instances with some sort of "hey y'all jeeeesus did this" twist.

Yeah, God's a doghumper. I kind of like "Herb" being an avatar of god, it's more accurate to what he is than the Bible God incarnation.

Who cares if you ran into deep trouble? Unless that's what caused a bomb to go off behind your head, why is this relevant?

Cleo looks like she needs a smoke. Amirite?

This is so unnecessary. If Chick was more efficient, this tract would be four panels long. But that would entail clipping off some of the bullshit, which is probably less likely than the Rapture.

That there's some irony, good news (TM) with an asterisk.

Blah, blah, whatever, Jesus, fuck off. That's not awesome.


Pray like this Timmy? Not any old Timmy, but this particular Timmy?

WOW! Cleo is still really, really horny! This is so awesome!!!

---

What a dark, creepy journey that was. Hopefully next time Chick can keep his paraphilia to himself. This had absolutely nothing to do with Jeeezus either, so I don't understand what just happened. Apparently you too can go to heaven--- if I see a receipt within 10 minutes.

Ungodly Orphans

I've got upwards of 600 views... I must have some lurkers about. Heheh.
Sorry this was such a long time coming, my laptop's wireless card is pretty fickle.

Anyway, here's one of those subtly-racist tracts I mentioned last time. I'll admit, it'll be kind of hard to mock the art itself (this is one drawn by Fred Carter), but it's kind of obvious Chick was domineering this doomed ship... just pay attention to the ideas in it, you'll figure it out pretty quick. If you happen to be white, this tract will not make you love Jesus. If you happen to be black, however, keep reading and see if Chick's magic will work on you. Because he made it specifically for you. I'm sort of offended at how simplistic it is, too, but I'm reading too much into that.

And one last thing... the adapted version of Allah Had No Son looks like a poorly photoshopped version of its original.
--
Oh, god. The zombie invasion is coming.... Billy the Kid's mummified hand clutching a noose in the middle of the Arizona desert... start stockpiling your clean underwear, people. I'll be in my underground bunker, as always.

All have sinned. Basketball players, Jesus with short hair (who knew?), what looks like a single mother or an abortion patient or an 'immodest' woman, fat men with sticklike noses, pimps, hoes, and palsied kids listening to music and pretending to be a zombie are all led through the Valley of Flaming Toupees by a hairy man-goat (or typical Insane Clown Posse fan..)

Muahahha! Suffer, pimps, hoes, single mothers and palsied children! Suffer!!!

Oh, man, he's so excited. He must have found a quarter on the cliff in front of him.
And that quote is kind of unfortunate. It's kind of ironic that Jack follows a way which seemeth right unto a man....

HAHAHAH, what? "In sin did my mother conceive me"? Er, okay, are there any other modes of conception that don't involve sin? Remember, kids: Godly people are immaculately conceived. All of them. Ask your parents where you came from, and if they say something other than "you poofed into existence via Jesus Magic", then you are a filthy, filthy sinner.

All exalt the sentient baby! If you wave at him, he'll wave back!

I've seen this devil thing before. How unoriginal. Except this one's not as benevolent, or interesting, as that movie.

I don't get the random death quote though. Is death like having Pan trick you into bondage?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a Chick tract, not an ass-backwards postmodern thing where the cow takes the people away. The people in this panel agree too, considering how hard they're vibrating. The little goat guy has to slick the ground down with crude oil and slide them, I suppose.

-chuck- Off ya go, losers! Enjoy the hellfire! -toss- -smack- -thud- -sizzle- YAAAAA
So far I don't think any of this makes any sense. It's a big, simplified, misdirected metaphor. How is this supposed to convert people? Is the first thought that leaps to mind when you see people dumped into flames in front of their kid "AMEN JESUS!!!"? Again, with the suffering. I don't see how it's spreading around Godliness. I do see, however, that Jack Chick is a sadist.

Isn't Gawd usually much taller than everyone else? Why does God imagine crying children with crucifixes behind them, like that's what they're crying about? What a self-important asshole. Can't he just conjure up some satisfaction because he's Almighty God and whatnot, without tormenting children? ..... haha, you knew the answer to that one; no.

I find it very, very surprising that Chick doesn't have any qualms about portraying Jesus as black. It is closer to what he was though, middle eastern.

"For God sent not a big black arrow into the sky to misdirect Jesus on his way down to the Great Ear-ish Moon, but that he would know where to go because his thoughts were preoccupied with the salvation of random kneeless children."

I'm sorry, this just.... the..... Jesus seemed to have missed a step off the God Cloud.... "Bye, Jesus"... too much stimulus at one time.

Bahaha! Pay the toll first, zombie Jesus! Pay the $5 to see the Wolf Child Rufus!

"Hey, okay, how about this. You get to nail me to a big wooden T, I bleed profusely and die violently and painfully on a mountaintop, suffer as much as I can, and then I can have Wolf Child Rufus. Sound okay?"
"Dude, no. $5. What do I need your flayed corpse for? I mean, it's not going to be a guaranteed salvation thing, people can still reject you and stuff. I don't know why you didn't bother safeguarding your whole salvation theory to where there's no other option besides worshipping you, you are GOD, but... well.... alright, I guess. You'll cheapen it by resurrecting, but... alright. More souls for me."

HAHAHAAHAHA! Oh, man, what is that, some spontaneous hair growth syndrome? Do you bleed hair or something? Weirdo! HAHAAH!

Oh, great, the last thing that kid needs is to see more people die in front of him. That's good for his psychological well-being.

And so Pan put him in a giant ceramic pot for three days and three nights, watching his body decay the whole time....

HE IS RISEN! Pan shakes in his backward, bowlegged cleats! Who's your savior now, bitch? Jesusman, Jesusman, doing the things that Jesus can.

"Hey kid, remember that time I hung from thick rusted nails in my hands and bled all over the ground beneath me as I rotted in the hot sun? I..."

"Please, mister, stop talking to me about this. It's scaring me."
"Aw, come on, it's a cool story! Really? You sure you don't want to hear it? Positive? Well, okay, I'll go have some guys write it down for me so you can read it later if you want. I'm gonna call it something catchy, like Hangin' Out, or The Bible, or That Time I Won a Bet and Saw Rufus the Wolf-Child. Anyway, see ya. Enjoy your salvation."

Hey! You! Wing Guy! Yeah, you! Get away from Rufus! Jesus won him first! You can't steal him! You didn't earn him!

.... Jesus was also opposed to decent grammar. I don't remember that part of the bible, but I think something in there said education was important. Apparently King James didn't bother reading it.

And they ascended at a funny angle into a large, weightless vat of cottage cheese, and the little boy ran to Anonymous. Legal proceedings will follow.

Now it's a stereotypical hat-wearing...er... Macedonian, burka-wearer, Chinese man with SARS, and a fat white guy. I had no idea Chick was so xenophobic. Has he ever seen someone foreign that wasn't wearing traditional dress, or anyone who was alive later than the 18th century?

And Jesus is sandwiched there kind of awkwardly. "YOU GUYS? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME? GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! IT'S A COOL BAR STORY! WAIT!"

....Aaaaand Jesus swoops in only to save the black little girl. Mongorians, freaky mustached Eastern Europeans, muslims and creepy-ass boy scouts in their 30s can go to hell.

Extend-O-Rope! The Rope that Extends! (tm) This offer is not available in stores, order now and receive the Eastern European Headshrinker as a free bonus to YOU!!! $19.99 +S&H.

... God sure likes killing black children.

"Hey, uh, Pan? Yeah, uh, right here, buddy. Your perspective is all screwy. Like, you know this is only going to be like three inches wide, right? It's hard to really get that you've got the reader by the neck while they're sitting in a bus stop or on a toilet.... I mean, just saying. And that's some wicked arm fuzz you got there."

So there you have it. God likes killing children. Er, that's what it implies, anyway.

Allah isn't God in Arabic

Lil' Susy (who has quite a career profile in kid's tracts) tends to especially pisses me off. I don't know if it's how she laps up anything her misinformed Grandpa says, her eagerness to tear down observable scientific fact and replace it with superstitions and fear, or her condescension to anyone she talks to, but something about her just mashes a button.

This time she's against evil towelheads, who are actually satanic and violent. We learn this from One-Eye Grandpa, who seems to always pop in Susy's tracts and feed her religious ammunition (God's army, whatever) that may or may not actually be true.

Basically, Islam-hate based on stupid, hypocritical strawmen. See, kids shouldn't convert one another because they have no grasp of ancient customs and gobble up anything their fundamentalist grandparents say without objection. Remember, parents, misinformation starts young.
------

"Hey, little girl, want some candy? Here, follow me to my van."

Why isn't Ms. Henn (see Birds and the Bees; Devil's Night) evil in this one? That's unfair. I guess she's not going to bring Muslims to school with her today, just doing homework. Where's her gay/satan-promoting? I feel robbed.

"Susan, my companion! We bring excellent news from the hand of fate itself!" "I'm over here, you guys. Just... yeah, to your right a little... there you go."

She's trying really hard to hide that grimace. It's probably because Amir is a foreign-sounding name.

Oh no! The last thing these impressionable kids need is learning that there are other religions in the world and we can, in fact, coexist without fracture.

So? Susy wants you to be fundamentalists. Shouldn't you decide for yourselves? I mean, Susy's not going to be you all your life.

6:00 PM (1800 hrs). Trenton, New Jersey. 23 August 2007.
Little Susy Residence.

"Grandpa, considering the appalling accuracy of your religious knowledge in the last few tracts, I'd like you to impart some of your encyclopedic knowledge to me. What's a Muslim? I've never seen the news before. If you'd like, I'll help you out of that giant coffee mug. It must be pretty uncomfortable in there."

-sigh- It's a shame how little compensation we give our veterans these days. This guy, however, really got the raw end of the deal. He hasn't even changed out of his waiter garb and already Susy's badgering him about Muslims. Is it too much trouble for the government to just ship some horse tranquilizer to keep Susy down long enough for Grandpa to change out of his work clothes?

You get 'em! When that ho be encroachin' on your turf, you level her.

...Because if she doesn't tell them about Jesus, they probably will never hear of him! Not a paranoid delusion after all. Especially if they're in danger of not being afraid all their lives.

"You and your little friends, I'll get you, once and for all!"

This is a mission briefing after all. "I'll tell you what I know." Oh, that's where we are! Christ Warriors H.Q.! I'm not going to bother pointing out that Allah is just Arabic for God, the stream of lies coming out of his mouth, or that most people that live in a post-modern fantasy house (what's with the couch sculpture?) should be a little more open-minded to different things. Instead, I'll just update my info stamp:

6:00 PM (1800 hrs). Undisclosed location. 23 August 2007.
"Christ Warriors" Headquarters, Little Susy Residence.

The Hadith sounds an awful lot like the New Testament. It boggles me why Stupid Susy hasn't made that parallel, considering she can already tell that two Islamic kids living a few blocks away are a threat.

Whoa, wait, that loving gaze she's fixed on pappy isn't appropriate for a kid-oriented tract. ...well, it does make the cover picture make a whole lot of sense, though.

"Listen closely, agent Susan. Pay close attention to what I say, as this message will self-destruct in 0:05 of it's completion. You must know these things to combat your so far harmless Muslim neighbors...", and the briefing goes on. "You know what you must do. Destruction sequence, engage." Beep. BOOOM

Oh, no! Susy's about to meet people different from her! Brace for impact.

Okay, two kids in traditional Muslim garb. Nothing hazardous here.
"Becky! Tashana! STOP! You aren't actually doing anything.... yet. Even though he's just telling you what you say for reference, these words are evil and spoken only by Satan-lovers! They're naughty words, just like 'fuck', 'shit', and 'vagina'." Cue hand tremors, then cue minor stroke.

Uh, they weren't actually saying anything to begin with, so no one stopped them from anything.
Good for you, Susy, you never learn without asking questions. Except, usually people don't ask questions with malicious intent.

"I'm amazed you know this! Most of the stupid, ignorant, racist fundies I talk to don't bother to talk to real Muslims, they just cobble a bunch of bullshit together and use it against us to further their hateful agendas! I'm glad you took the trouble to learn about my beliefs, but I just wish you'd used a reliable source."

No! No! Stop talking to her! You're feeding the flames! She's about to assault your religion by exploiting any missteps in your speech!

I guess his mother already knows what's about to happen, and is just keeping him from a violent, angry shitstorm. And Christians think they're being persecuted?

Are raincoats part of traditional Muslim dress for women? Most women wear hijabs, (and no, it's not mandated by the Koran to wear one, Jack), not babushkas.

What a sarcastic, condescending little shit. "He never lied! Jesus never lied either!"

Actually, considering you idiots think Adam lived for 900+ years, how far a stretch is it that he was 90 feet tall? Oh, and he got around by an all-seeing horse with three heads. And the Garden of Eden was actually in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. Am I hitting close to your stupid fairy tale yet? The fact that Susy said Adam was the first man just triggered the "ignore whatever she says next" alarm.

So? Learn that God isn't nice. If you haven't read the story of Job yet, I'll spoil it for you and tell you that basically God had a bet with the devil that Job would stay faithful even if all his blessings were removed and he was cursed, and Job did, so God won. (That should go without saying because he's supposed to be omnipotent.) But that's where the story ends, Job never gets his children or wife or property or friends back. God is love!

Ah, Chick, you racist ass. The black girl has to get offended at the notion of slaves. Having slaves was very commonplace for a huge chunk of ancient history, as was polygamy and what have you. There is a world outside yours, and it has a history that you might not like. That's the risk you take when you're born. Sorry.

Now she's got some sort of ugly snarl on her face, because she's in Fundie overdrive and her little 7-year-old body isn't an adequate container for her hatred.

Also, lifespans were very short back then, so yes, as disquieting as that is, young marriage was also common. And most Greeks (Athenians, Spartans, etc), Persians, and a host of other ancient Eurasian civilizations didn't consider themselves pedophiles because, again, standards change with time. Also gross, but true.

"His god is not the God of the Bible, even if the Old Testament is one of the holy books of Islam." Just like "gato" has nothing to do with "cat", Allah has nothing to do with God.

Oh, they worshiped an idol called the "Moon God"? I'm impressed with her bullshitting skills, and her creativity, because I probably wouldn't have thought of "Moon God" myself.

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure that's not what the crescent stands for.Not because of this fantasy "moon god" boogeyman Chick invented to shock and awe people who don't consider idols to be tools of the devil.

Also, Susy, you seem to be a smarmy know-it-all, prove to me that this actually happened. No, the bible isn't proof. Try again. Oh, wait, Jesus ascended to heaven and left no trace of his presence on earth? Convenient. That's just a series of seemingly unlikely events that played out anyway, and not just a way for primatives to rationalize death and anything else they couldn't explain.

If she doesn't know what God is, how can she know what a god is? Idiot. I bet you'll fall for her refuting real facts with religious fantasy too. Seriously, what the world really needs is more people going against observable and proven evidence.

Nope. Man and dinosaurs never coexisted, regardless of what your vague descriptions of a giant animal make you think. And if Jesus had a hand in it, then Allah did too, because they're the same person (minus the confusing triune god idea). Mohammed wrote stuff down for god, he isn't the Muslim equivalent of Jesus. You hateful, ignorant idiot. I hate you and your buggy eyes, your lack of a lower lip, and every other grotesque feature about you because you're drawn by a paranoid freak who never leaves the house.

Only Jesus could do that because that's the condition set by the Bible. Dying for sins isn't a major factor in other religions. Some have other ways of salvation, or just teach being a kinder person. It's not how much a religion deviates from Christianity that makes it 'wrong'.

Heheh. "Came" upon Mary. That's funny, looks like she wasn't a virgin after all.
"And the child was Jesus!" What a surprise, I thought this story was going to go in a completely different direction where the baby was just some random bastard child. WOW, TELL ME MORE.

Standard 3:16. Does Chick think that putting this in every tract will convince us that it's more true somehow? Repetition=fact? The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. Am I getting through to you? No? The earth is flat. The earth is flat. How about now? Do you believe me yet?

I'm not bothering with this one. For reasons why, just consult the rest of this dissection. Nothing new here, just reiteration of her misinterpretation of Islam.

Is that what Becky and Tashana did? I got worried, there. I lost track of the plot while we were between panels. Thank goodness, now I can still understand what's going on.

Why wouldn't you want to sin again? You just got a Get Out of Hell Free card. Go celebrate by sinning it up.

One thing I don't get about Chick is how inconsistent he is with his presentation of Christianity's tenants. Do you get judged once you die, or do you languish around till Judgement day, or what?

Also, why is it that he doesn't care if he lies about other people to demonize them? Isn't lying a sin? He has a computer, is it too much trouble to spend 15 minutes reading about Islam on Wikipedia, so you know what you're talking about and don't look like a moron?

Apparently, yes.