God Patrol

First off:
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry. I don't even know why I'd neglected this blog for so long; mostly computer drama, school, stuff of that nature.

'Neway, this tract is about those evil negroes your grandparents warned you about. Also, gang violence, and how police departments in Chickville go only with the Lawd. This reminds me of Dog the Bounty Hunter (something most people would rather be burned alive than be reminded of; ugh) and his "go with Christ" thing. Here goes, and I promise I'll try to start updating this more regularly.

♪ STOP! In the name of looooove, before you break my heart..... ♪

Okay, spoiler: this tract is about a latex glove full of mashed potatoes and twigs that fights pirates in glowing boxes. Naw, that's too imaginative for something like a Chick tract. But it is very, very cool that the hand has a muscley little arm coming off it that looks eager to knife fight.

"Hey, Carter! I found me a skeevy little meth-addict-like. Says he don't know why they call them fingers, since they don't fing."
God, look at that carnage! Heavy gunfire apparently leaves you looking like prim, freshly-cased sausage links. But if you're lucky, the roughly half-inch of plywood in the door will save you from semiautomatic bullets.

"I was coming up the stairs and... WOW you're tall. Like, you're really tall, man. Like a pine tree..... " *goes catatonic for three hours*

WERE YOU HERE TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL I COULD ARREST YOU FOR? BE HONEST! -stern finger-
Yeah, most druggies will respond honestly and politely when a hydrocephalic behemoth cop that may not be real appears. Speaking of distraction, there is something very wrong with what the cop in the background is doing to that... body? Sofa cushion? ... Bible?

"SAY AAAAAAA"
"AAAAAAA"

Aww. Gravity prevails; Gargantuan Cop's arm just slid out of its socket.

.. Um, wow, that has got to be the worst segue in the history of humanity. Nay, the history of Chick tracts.
"These guys are in HELL.... because they didn't accept Jesus. Not the drugs or anything. They're in body bags/waterbeds now, out of sight out of mind, right?"

"Dammin' evryone ta HAYULL" isn't really the best way to get converts, I think. And Gargantuan Cop is growing and--- wait, I just noticed this, they're in front of a one story house. As in, no stairs to come up. Goddamnit Jack Chick, if you're going to go through the trouble of shitting these comics out, at least make sure they're plausable. I mean, not that fundamentalism is the most rational thing in the world, but please, please stop mocking what little intelligence the people in your slice of Christianity have.

And here we go. More Godbabble. I'll just sit this one out.

DURR DURR THAG LIKE JEEZY. JEEZY SAVE THAG
I.... I'd have more to say on the 1980's hip-hop family in the background, but I'm too busy trying to wrap my mind around someone being smart enough to take the Bible literally. That's just.. damn.

OOoooOOOOooooH! OOK OOK! OOK OOK GRANDMA OOOK!
Oh hell yes he's going to laugh it off; anyone born within the past few centuries understands that
a) Scientifically, the literality of the Bible is impossible and
b) symbolism is also a potent medium for getting messages across.
However, I've noticed that ALL of Chick's tracts feature grandparents/old people doing all the indoctrination, presumably because it was a simpler time back then and wise old relatives provide gentle spiritual advice to a universally-misguided generation. Back in the day, blah blah, polio, segregation, McCarthyism..... I like how he pretends obsolescence is a good thing. Jeez.

He's a "deacon" or whatever, says he goes to something called "church" to "worship" someone named "Jehooly" or "Jahoosus" or something like that.... Seriously, what country are these people in anyway? How do you live in the United States (eveyone knows the US is His chosen country, regardless of whether it existed in the time of Jesus or not) without knowing ANYTHING about Christianity?

....So his grandma's either not dead yet ("... going to heaven"); or admittance to heaven takes a long while ("believed..."...), which contradicts the vast screaming majority of Chick's comics in addition to contradicting itself. Usually people either get judged immediately in the nude, or they rot in the ground a little and then get scooped up by angels, or they don't realize they're dead, or only their head, shoulder and left arm get taken to heaven, or they get raptured, or ..... wow, hey, whadda ya know, Chick is really inconsistent with what happens when you die. He should read up on it in the Bible.... oh wait, that's full of inconsistencies and contradictions too.... whoops. I guess then it's okay with the Bible if Jack plays some Choose Your Own Afterlife Adventure. The worst it could do is sap away some of his credibility (I know I said some; but considering his credibility has stood at -754,543,861,858 since 1965, I don't think he's in the ballpark of rational yet).

And does the druggie's sudden appearance change creep you out too?

Wow, that was fast. Weren't they trying to solve a drug deal murder like three panels ago? I mean, this can't possibly be an effective way of stopping crime. "Hey, uh, you there, guy with the guns and white baggies. Your ass is going to hell." And he returns to his vehicle, smiling smugly, rewarded with the comforting thought that he had brought some peace to the inner city, and goes home.

"I know that place..." Well, good. I'm glad. It's kind of your job to; I can't imagine how long it took them to find the address of the shootout. Half the bodies were probably in the ground when they were rounding the street.

Welcome to Ville, home of the Ville Police Department. Don't they tell you to watch out for unmarked police cars, because they usually have psychotic rapists in them? I mean, just saying.

PIGS! PIGS!
The same four people, repeating over and over into infinity, are crowding around an unmarked police car in the center of what seems to be Eternity. If that's not mindfucky enough, they're shouting bizarre and outdated anathemas at the car, whose windshield is calling for help.

"There," said Jack Chick, stepping back in his underground bunker to admire his work, "this is what the outside world must be like."

Okay, this "standing tall in the name of the Lawd" is getting absurd. It doesn't surprise me in the least that Chick and Carter baby their readers with oversimplified, painfully literal metaphors, but come on, this is an eight-foot tall cop. Maybe this is some sort of ... I don't know, attempt at anatomy? Perspective, maybe? One can muse forever. Because according to statistics I only have like 64 years left to live, I'll let you all do the musing.

I love these generic cop names. Clancy, Carter...

I've got nothing. Except, perhaps, a genuine concern for that strange lip-creature that's half-hidden with Grandma's word bubble.

"I'm gonna make you disappear and feed you to the dogs!" Does Chick really expect inner-city gang members to actually say things like that? I'd expect more of an, I don't know, "I'll fuck your ass up" or an "Imma shank you, motherfucker"? What century is this? This does nothing to disprove my theory that Jack hasn't seen anyone that isn't white since the 1980s.

Do it, Ice Man!

Wise Buddha say: "Make way for Grandma!" Followed by furious hobbling.

-Rattle rattle- -rattle rattle rattle- "Junior, why on earth is your head shaking so violently like that?" -comical hands-on-hips stance-

Judging by the people around her, I'd say she's about... what, 3'7?

Do you have any idea why threatening law enforcement with a knife is a bad idea? Besides the added quarter-century of assault charges you'll have to do time for? Well, I'll tell you; Grandma will disembowel you and take your lower intestines as a trophy with that knife of yours. At least, that's what it looks like she's doing. Fred Carter's shaky grasp of space won't permit me to decipher this further.

God is a loving god, who will gladly strike anyone down for anything. But God is a wrathful, picky god who will play favorites and gladly murder 7+ people in a bad drug deal, but will save one of his guys.

The... the emphasis... it's just all wrong. ugh.
Junior metamorphoses into a Chow.

Who Grandma? I have no deductive reasoning.

RRRRRrrribbit! Rrrribbit! Deacon Carterrribbit led her and her pimp to Christ.

Mm, so far, we've got drugs, murder, violence, and now prostitution. The only thing missing from this world of evil is a gay guy and a woman with a job. Then I'll take him seriously. Those last few things aren't severe enough.

"*Grandpa". Jesus A', so now he's just making up his own slang and hoping for the best?

... Um, the fuck?
He probably did eat guys like him in prison for breakfast, but you know, in a different sense. And oh no! The eclipse is nigh.

NOOOO! Anyone but White cops! Take all the white cops you want, but for the love of god, not the White cops!

Blam Blam Blam I don't know how a gunshot sounds

Honestly, this is starting to bug me, how many Christians do you know that pray and fast routinely? Mainstream Christianity, usually Protestant, regards this as highly antiquated. It seems more like a Muslim thing to do. But all Muslims are evil. Remember that.

---standard Crucifiction bunk here----

Um, ew?

Jack is getting lazy. He's not even bothering to draw Jesus' flayed, chapped, torn and bleeding skin sliding off his body like he usually does in his 3:16s. Maybe he's finally got over his BSDM fetish.

..... I get it. Gargantuan Cop is a zombie. With a grammar/syntax problem.

"EVEN THE COP GETS IN TROUBLE"

(Gasp!) That's the power of desperation, groupthink and a desire not to be in prison!
Something tells me God wouldn't approve of this sob-orgy. Or maybe he would, he loves it when people grovel.

Praise the Lord! Wait, what was this tract about? Right. He was supposed to be answering an 11-99 call. Where's Clancy? Oh, fuck it, who cares.

"Junior, Deacon Carter is more like Jesus than any man I've ever met." But that's blasphemy and you're going to hell. Is he like Jesus in that he gets easily distracted from his job and doesn't actually do what he's supposed to? The simile doesn't stretch much, so I'll assume she's referring to Jesus Garcia, the guy who lives next door to her or something.

You'll be safer working with him than anyone you know because you won't actually go into the line of fire. Instead, you'll just go around troubled neighborhoods converting people.

That's all good and well, but if this tract is any indication (which is like using a cabbage to tell you what the temperature is), our hard-earned taxes go to paying Jehovah's Witnesses in uniforms and fancy cars.

Puppykilling Atheists

Enter the Jabberwock will have this same tract dissected in very much the same way I will in two or so days. Just watch. I think he's on to me. The last few of his have been mine, with slightly different wording, and usually about 53 more comments than mine. Pay attention to the dates. But no matter.

So kiddies, have you been baptizing your beloved pets in the name of the Lawd? 'Cause if you haven't been, they're rotting in hell right now being pushed facefirst through flaming sink incinerators while being raped with serrated knives. Or, I think that's how the story goes. It's hard to understand this tract because it's really an awfully bad metaphor. But something about Jesus, love, God, blah blah, Salvation, blah. Now featuring a lagoon monster named Cleo.

Oh my god! What is it? It's... It's got a large, single porcelain tooth coming out of its dirty-yellow maw, and a human femur under its toeless paw! Run! Oh my god, oh my fucking god, RUN FOR THE NUCLEAR SHELTER!!

"Before we start our trip, we'd all better go back in the house to see if we forgot anything. First aid kit... check.... picnic basket... check... map and hotel information.... check.... cardboard 'ZZZZZZZ' placard...check.... dog that has been dead long enough for rigor mortis to set in... check.... pants-wetting behemoth butterfly.... check...."

That kid looks like someone just sucked out his soul. ... Hey, wait a minute, I think I understand what's going on here. There's a reason we can't see his hand or his lower body, and he looks so surprised.

"Arf Arf" Ladies, gents, meet John Wayne Gacy's dog. Woofy the Long-lashed Pirate-Bearded Dog Thing. I'm sorry, this thing just strikes an icicle into all my inner being. It came out of a horrible, demented carnival. It wants blood. It cannot feel. It is a merciless murder machine. This is a prime example of Chick overcutesying his characters until they become sticky, hyperglycemic monsters.

Woo! Here's some of that gravity-defiance/background indistinction that Chick is famous for. Now, is JWGD sliding on the car door, or onto grass, or what? It's less of a slide than a superglued-by-the-butt-to-the-car-door stance. Either way, I'd hate to drive a car/have a lawn that looks that much like human hair.

.... Out of the ashes... This thing... chasing the gigantic mutant butterfly....

Is Grandma gonna DIE? He's so excited about this. This is one of those "and we get to see a guy with a finger missing! Coooool!" things that kids say. Just like explosions. You know. They shouldn't be driving on I-35 West... not until it gets fixed....

I'm glad Chickville has roving dogcatchers with deformed spines and very-bitable crotches. Stupid.

This... holy god... why..... is the cross-eye thing supposed to be cute, or what? I feel nothing for this grotesque monstrosity. I wonder how it eats; its tongue is always half-out.

Oh, now it catches on. It's in a giant whaling net. They're about to paint the beaches red with its blood, in addition to those... uh... they look like really enthusiastic Eskimos? Like, tiled. Maybe. I don't understand it either.

CLEO! Help! I'm drowning in this tablecloth quicksand! Help! It's stylizing me! I look horrendous! Help, before I get sucked into the Chickverse Vortex!!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!

... PLEASE don't let her get killed. We all know how much you like killing innocent things, but could you, like, hold off on the deathfest for 3 days? I mean, all those African children are game, but please, PLEASE don't kill my darling puppy-monster.

Stay stylish with Bono Nascar shades.

I feel sick too!

Okay, is this starting to bother anyone else? Why does this kid keep saying these "oh, whoops, looks like I drove over my cell phone, time to get a new one" phrases? Like, he's seething with sarcasm when he says this. I don't blame him, I'd want to get rid of that lagoon beast too.

Stop SPREADING YOUR PATHOGEN-LADEN SPIT ALL OVER MY FACE!
Slurp slurp, oh baby.... jeez, racy or what?

-toss- Eh, okay, here's your new home. If you could, trim down your beard please. It makes the other puppies uncomfortable.

Okay, I want to know what the fuck is this kid's problem. Is he just pathologically afraid of everything? He looks like he's staring at a huge fucking brown recluse on the back of his sleazy car-salesman father's head. Maybe the sliver storm going on behind him creeps him out. Or his father's apathy.

Oh my god. Seriously, does Timmy have Down's? Why is his face so round and his eyes so buggy? They aren't even focused! He's always hugging his father. This is freaky. Another thing, why does he always, always turn the conversation toward God saving Cleo? Like, fuck granny, I want my creepy oral-sex-whore lapdog!!!11

And it seems that Bob Vila finally got his Ph.D. and is .... operating on fundie parents.

Wooo, skyscrapers with multiple personalities. Norman Bates-ish, ain't it? He's either Timmy or Grandma.

And what is that horrible liverspotted thing? It needs its reading glasses apparently. Chick is eagerly counting down the time he has before he can kill a puppy. That says it all right there.

Isn't Timmy just the most annoying manchild you've ever seen? How long til we get there? How long til we get there? I'd shoot the kid behind a quiet barn between the eyes, personally.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't kill it! It's a super-duper-rare kind of aardvark!

What bothers me is how awful he is at basic math/reading. How many dogs are here, Herb? Why, there are clearly 3.

Finally, we get to see this bug-eyed monster die. I know what my nightmares will be about tonight.

No! Stop! This is a base of the United States Armed Forces! Deadly force is authorized. I mean, I won't mind, but that definitely isn't a pound. Detainment chambers and guards on the wall? What kind of animals do they keep?

Oh, now Cleo develops navel mouth. Watch your hand, Jew Animal Control Officer, because that's a nuclear dog you've got there.

There! I've finally pinpointed where I've seen that horrid face before. Behold: Dramatic chipmunk. You know, I get the feeling that all the skin is going to crawl away from his eyes, until he's just a scalp with horrible, horrible eyes staring into forever. God that would rock so hard.

Oh, oh, cheap. Why the fuck does Chick just up and stop caring on some of these panels? Oh, okay, he's slamming himself in the door. That's much better.

I have to kill this dog! Raaaar, I'm a bald guy with giant ears! You caught me in the nick of time, I was about to rape your dog, considering how Chick gave it an arrow instead of an asshole (why he didn't just leave it off is beyond me). You can pay at the office, and we accept all major forms of rap----payment, uh, yeah....

She has no eyes! SHE HAS NO EYES!!! That is really, really creepy.

Oh, my god, please make this stop. This is scarring my psyche. He loves that dog a little too much. Jack Chick, I know you love to draw make-out scenes, but for the love of all things holy at least don't endorse children tongue-stabbing dogs. I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't allow that.

No, no you didn't. You learned (if you didn't already know) that you kid is an annoying little shit that doesn't give a damn about their immediate family, but instead the horrible monster creature thing you probably bought him and are unaware of his affinity to bestiality toward.

And... the dog is still going. That's an awfully affectionate dog.

Crazy old Jack, always spinning the least god-related instances with some sort of "hey y'all jeeeesus did this" twist.

Yeah, God's a doghumper. I kind of like "Herb" being an avatar of god, it's more accurate to what he is than the Bible God incarnation.

Who cares if you ran into deep trouble? Unless that's what caused a bomb to go off behind your head, why is this relevant?

Cleo looks like she needs a smoke. Amirite?

This is so unnecessary. If Chick was more efficient, this tract would be four panels long. But that would entail clipping off some of the bullshit, which is probably less likely than the Rapture.

That there's some irony, good news (TM) with an asterisk.

Blah, blah, whatever, Jesus, fuck off. That's not awesome.


Pray like this Timmy? Not any old Timmy, but this particular Timmy?

WOW! Cleo is still really, really horny! This is so awesome!!!

---

What a dark, creepy journey that was. Hopefully next time Chick can keep his paraphilia to himself. This had absolutely nothing to do with Jeeezus either, so I don't understand what just happened. Apparently you too can go to heaven--- if I see a receipt within 10 minutes.

Holy War!!1

Three years after the ill-planned War on Terror began, Jack Chick finally turned a TV on and watched the news. And from this incident sprang a tract, unfortunately, about potato-headed US soldiers fighting violent, potato-headed terr'ists. Sadly, no Fang in this one. But for a guy who served in the Pacific theater, he really doesn't understand how bullets work. Now onward.

"What am I doing in a Chick tract? Praying to this melted salt lick while projectile flies hit my head? This guy really is crazy."

My, they must be very proficient in English to use that as their first language. It's beyond me why they enlisted a rootin' tootin' gun-crazy Texan with a rifle though, when they clearly have it under control with their paintbrush spear cannon thing.

"They're cutting us to pieces!"
"Where's your God now, Preacher boy?"
"SHHHH! I'm on the phone! Jeez!" "Okay, mom, sorry about that. Anyway, how's Mittens doing?"

Aaaand just like in real life, his prayer goes answered without God batting an eye. Because God is ever vigilant, there haven't been any casualties in Iraq, and cancer is never contracted by Christians. Also, the dollar is gaining more over the fag-enabling Euro day by day. Gas is $1.09 a gallon, and there hasn't been a hurricane in the US since 1950.

Why would he need a massive sandstorm to save his company if they're only fighting three people anyway?

"Even if it was God, Preacher, my head wouldn't be so potato-shaped, and I could breathe through my nose if God really cared. Oh, and Max wouldn't be dying in my arms right now if God really cared, too."

.... Man, they're really packing packing the firepower on those three terr'ists. Huge flames, a helicopter, the conjoined twins limping away in the background-- going all out.

Why does Chick have it in his head that after a traumatic event like a friend's death, the most comforting thing you can tell someone is that they're in Hell for all eternity?

So, is 'Jesus' or whatever a big deal in Christianity? The concept of heaven is a Judeo-christian ideal to begin with, but who's Jesus? Like, Garcia or whatever?

How is being shot on the battlefield "dying in his sins?" And if you accept Jesus, can he really reject you? That's not how it works.

Oh, I guess he really didn't know about Jesus. He lived all his life in a pocket island between Canada and the US that no one's ever heard about which is inhabited by completely irreligious people who have never used American money, said the Pledge of Allegiance, sang O Canada, hit their thumbs with hammers, been surprised, and are unfamiliar with figurative language. What a horrible, ???forsaken place!

Draft-dodgin' collige-type pansy! Don'tcha know that when you choose to enlist in the armed forces, not even formidable Jewiness will keep you stationed at home?

Oh, shit, now he's done it. Never ask Matt Lauer to tell you about anything, unless you have infinite patience and at least 2 years of life remaining. Standard refuting of whatever follows.

On Judgment Day, your life will be shown on the AstroScreen for you to re-watch in 16:9 aspect ratio. Wait-- he's already up in the Space Cloud being judged... that means he's already dead! OH NO! Is this is a Sixth Sense type thing, where they're all already dead?

Tex Wilson!!! I hate him too! He was a sucky baseball player and his art prints are redundant and cheesy! And unless both Tex Wilsons have accepted the FundieChrist, Jesus didn't die for their sins.

That's the way. Win 'em over by jabbing at sore spots in their self-image.
And he wasn't born in a "stinking stable," he was born in a manger on a bed of straw (which isn't so far removed from the reeds, pitch and stone that was standard bedding during the bronze age), and all the animals looking on were compelled by God to stop shitting compulsively until Jesus was out. Considering all the rats and termites Jesus didn't plop onto, it's not so bad.

Not going to bother looking up how this corresponds with the actual text of the Bible, but instead of making an avatar of himself to suffer, couldn't God just forgive that petty grudge he had against Adam (a creature that didn't know what right, wrong and consequences were, therefore could not judge for himself whether to trust the snake)? Where did all the righteous people who lived before Jesus go when they died, straight to Hell?

And did Jesus actually control the angels? Doesn't God the Father do that or something?

Something incredible happened!

"Jesus created unto Himself the first Form-Flattering Dress, and lo, it shone as the Sun and illuminated itself, guiding the Savior through the darkness of the rock-pile and then forth making otherwise unpleasing women pleasing to the eye" - Joshua 14:3, regarding the first attractive dress's creation.

Those EYES. Don't look into them Benny, that's how he steals your soul!

Everybody in the trucks! The crazy Spanish peasants from Resident Evil 4 are back! They want blood! Argh argh argh slobber slobber bite.

They shouldn't fly their plane so high up, they might accidentally crash into God on his cloud or something.

"Cough cough"? Seriously? You fall on a grenade and you still have to muster up the strength to cough enough to let Chick make your death a cliche?

Is that all captains do nowadays, look like high school freshmen with loaf haircuts and Jew noses?

Oh, I was wrong about Fang not being here. I thought that of all Chick's characters, he wouldn't be deployed to Iraqi warzones, but I guess I was wrong. At least he has rats to play with.

Oh, come on. Like people with doctorates in any topic (from a real school, not whatever Henry Makow and Kent Hovind attended) are this figuratively-challenged. There's a difference between nicknaming someone, say, Doc, and them being a doctor by trade. People with doctorates should know.

Oh, fuck you. Why does EVERY RELIGION revolve around an afterlife to you, Jack? They don't all have "heaven"s because they have different philosophies. Budddhism, for example, revolves around making your life on earth better, followed by reincarnation, not heaven. Which, even though it's for different reasons, is a lie. One that makes Benny so outraged he randomly spurts facial hair.

..... has this ever happened? Seriously? Ever?

What an asshole. If you're supposed to not care what faith your soldiers follow, than you shouldn't discriminate against Christians (even the fanatical ones). Because this is a huge fucking strawman caricature, I won't go any further, but I am alarmed at the thing that's driving the truck.

No survivors. Not even the people that were praying in the back that had nothing to do with anything. KABOOM!
Love,
God

Oh no! They better evacuate heaven now, it's on fire!

I don't..... this is.... stubborn and pretend...... sheesh. Okay, where do I begin? "Pretend you don't believe in God"? What the fuck is that? "Ooh, I have a great idea, I'll alienate myself from the people around me because they're woefully stupid and stringent about their ancient fairytales! Yeah! That's the way to do it! And I'll go to church every week to apologize for it, of course. That's the way!" Or will you devote yourself to an afterlife that may or may not happen and squander your life in fear of a big mystical skydaddy?

I'll choose the latter option any day, if it means not turning into an intolerant moron like Chick.