Oh, Not This Again

Woo! Got here first.

Anyway, here's a brand-spankin'-new tract, kindly placed under our ready knives.

Good question! I'm pretty curious where Chick's brains went too. But you won't find them by staring at a kiln in the distance.

Apathetic Doctor: He's gone. Sure looks happy though, that's not normal. He's probably in Heaven, groping some angels, like this. -grope grope-
Fatty: Oh, No! Sons of bitches, sons of bitches! My huge forearms are melting into my face! Help!

I just love the starry-eyed admiration of the one on the left. Most of Chick's demons have no genitals, but this one seems to have a boner on its forehead. Maybe a little too much admiration?

I turned his family against him. I split his church and put him under so much stress he developed cancer. I don't know how cancer works, so I just made some shit up and put it in boldface because that puts needless emphasis on it and makes it sound more dramatic.

The next part here baffles me, because it's impossible to tell who is talking, the fat one or the boner demon. But all that aside, talk like that will be dangerous if fundies keep pushing their relentless "decency" laws.

Do I hafta be here? That's a good question, because it seems that the people are picnicking next to a miniaturized barn on an anthill. You can't even tell what it is, so why would you be there in the first place?

And maybe it's just that funeral sermons are boring, not that there are demons plugging up your ears. Apparently the Devil has better foresight than God, because he knows what the sermon will be about before it begins (and God, however, can't seem to predict things like sin and Lucifer becoming the devil).

What is this, the aquarium tank of half-human half-fish hybrids? Why is the maitre'di so offended by the words "this the judgement"? This seems to be a panel of European stereotypes, starting from the fat German looking guy and the Englishwoman with bad teeth. Chick is racist, d'you know that? This is exhausting.

WTF? Seriously. What does that mean, "we should dump him"? You're going to kill the funeral orator? You're going to drop him in a pile of trash? You're going to break up with him? What does that mean?

And that poor woman is so terrified and outraged and shocked that she's missing a soap opera, like she didn't choose to go to the funeral anyway.

"Might catch you again"? So this guy's a sleaze, why is it impressive that he's ooh, evil, sinning, and under demonic influence? How's that demonstrating the power of teh devil!!111?

Whoa, the 3:16 rubber-stamp panel came awfully soon. Chick's got low stamina these days.

What a smug asshole. I'd "dump" him too. He looks like a potato and is reading off stupid things.

AWWWWW SAD PUPPY EYES AWWW!!! It's okay, sweetie, God is your umbrella! Aww, now I feel bad... do you want a lollipop? I mean, it's sad that your creepy paranoid predictions won't happen and you'll have your dreams crushed, but awwww!

Vampire Woman is easily excited, considering she shouldn't care, as she has been one of the undead for thousands of years (probably).

Oh no! Voldemort is coming!

Well, something big is in the wind, considering that explosive fart he just ripped. At least he's embarrassed, tee hee!

"But Master, the world already belongs to you!*stupidbiblequote* Through your domination of music and television, you own the world! Blah blah blah! Hollister! MTV! I'm totally 'hip' to the 'jive' of young people today, aren't I?"

If anything moves.... what?

FANG! Back from the dead.. or, coming in to save this tract! Woo!

God, doesn't the anteater know it's rude to pick its nose? And luckily it has a grain of common sense, most people realize the Rapture was a bunch of footnote AND THEN ALL THE BUILDINGS AND PEOPLE EXPLODE BOOOM!!! crap.

That's a really, really small town he lives in. Made mostly of barns.

Prophecy Conference? What's there to confer about? Hasn't everyone heard that tired old story before?

Oh my fucking god, not this again. Russia is not (Magog). Let's check in at the Wikipedia page for "Magog".

Gog and Magog are an ambiguous Biblical pair associated with apocalyptic prophecy, and are also mentioned in the Qur'an as Yajooj (Gog) and Majooj (Magog).

Magog can also refer to:

• Magog (Bible), grandson of Noah in the Book of Genesis
• Magog, Quebec, a town in Canada.
• Magog (Andromeda), a fictional race in the television series Andromeda
• Magog (comics), anti-hero in DC Comics' Kingdom Come miniseries

The main article for Gog and Magog is a bunch of twisted loopy bullshit, but the point is that during the Cold War someone decided to say Russia was Magog. The Bible's authors weren't stupid, it seems that because it's so ambiguous that anyone posing a general threat to anyone can fit right in. It's weird, it's almost chronological; whoever was the greatest danger during the time period was identified as Gog or Magog. It's all evangelical fundie Godvomit, and since Chick is a racist, mysogenistic, decaying bastard who still thinks it's the 1950s, it'll be Russia this time.

There's no mention of the US in the Bible because it didn't exist until 1776, simple as that. It was written in the times, for the times, and anyone who says it is timeless and unchanging is a gullible liar.

Oooh, okay. I guess we're throwing chauvinist into the mix too. I kind of don't get this, is Chick the froggy guy in the turtleneck or Commander Grim? Is he both? Is he just omnipresent? Or is he just pulling this out of his ass? Huh, guess which.

Waaah, boo hoo. Just because the government doesn't endorse Christianity, doesn't mean you can't. That's what Amendment Numero Uno is for. Oh, sorry, that sounded Spanish, and everyone knows Spanish is eeevil. Amendment number one, for all you raving xenophobes who take this garbage seriously. OH NO! Anything but new laws! You know, the 14th-16th amendments were "new laws" once.

Who. Fucking. Cares? This was all written down years after Jesus' death/resurrection/whatever, and was ancient by the time it was written down. Next panel please.

Why can't your "blessed hope" be that everyone converts to Christianity during the Rapture? Wouldn't that be more charitable? Oooh, forgot what religion we're talking about.

Yeah, three weeks. Okay. So why is Jesus not descending from heaven with a shout?

And then.... all the people who were supposed to be in heaven already go to heaven. What?

Oh noes, infidels in bulky sweatpants! Worshiping someone named Allahu!

So, the magic words are "Lord, I'm ready"? Cool. When the rapture rolls around, like it has been rolling around for the past couple of thousand years, that'll save me from the scimitar-wielding A-rabs. God is also a nudist.

Lo, blessed sperms, return to me!

I got your proof of evolution right here. These strange chimp-like creatures seem to have human offspring. That's not what the theory says, but can I have my million dollars now, Mr. Hovind?

He'll meet you in the air kinda buy the tire store around sixish to give you your "salvation".

Yeah yeah yeah! I didn't know they were such U2 fans. I can feeeEEEeeeel...... feeEeeeell... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaah!

Uh, alrighty then. All those months of work... went into that.... is Chick just pissing away the time until he dies by drawing as many of these as he can? Quantity over quality type thing? Kind of a crossword-a-day thing?

Attack of the Gay Strawmen

Ahh!
Good to be back. Nice and rested and ready to tackle Chick's Christofascist bullshittery.
I hope you guys like the new color scheme and title banner and stuff; I've had some time to revise them and, uh, uncrappify them. I like them this way, but your thoughts are more than welcome on this!

Today I bring you a 22-page gay stereotype that seems lost in the transition from Bronze Age fairytale to 21st Century fairytale.

Even Fred Carter's art won't save this thing from being a piece of shit.
------

Oh no! That giant skull is about to fall on that innocent city made of sawtooth polygons! Look at that thick yellow gas plume. That is what Jack Chick sees out his bunker window when he bothers to look out every three years.

Oh, fair enough. "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" sounds like a pretty unbiased source! Especially on gay affairs. Because AIDS is caused by The Gay.

Still, strange cone-haired woman, there is another reason why they will not be called "sissies", and that reason is that it's not 1956 anymore. Besides the cheap-shot caricatures, I completely agree with the sign, "Hate is not a family value". Apparently, Chick disagrees.

Aaaand now "AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told" has become simply "AIDS Video". Way to go that extra mile for quality work, Jack.

Everyone, watch out! If a "certain level" of AIDS funding (no, not AIDS prevention/cure/research funding, mind you, AIDS funding) isn't reached by a "certain date", they'll resort to giving blood. Next thing you know they'll be building orphanages, feeding the homeless and volunteering for Meals on Wheels! NOOOO! NOT SOCIETAL GOOD! ANYTHING BUT IMPROVING THE COMMUNITY!!! ESPECIALLY OUT OF GOODWILL AND NOT A DESIRE FOR SOME POST-MORTEM GOODIE BAG!

See, back in '59 when Chick gave up all forms of socialization and the outside world to live in his grotto, the blood-screening technology that detects infections did not exist. Since this is what Jack imagines The Future to be like (wait for it, he probably thinks the hovercar has been invented by now), weird haircuts and militant gays and all, there will be some discrepancies between Reality!!!!1 and, erm, reality. Which is why this seems completely plausible to him.

And quick check, how is this supposed to lead someone to Christ?

Oooh! The Videocameras of the Future! They're still bulky, unwieldy and require extensive weight training; but they have slits on the backs for ventilation. Truly, a leap in human ingenuity. The limitless imagination of the mind never ceases to amaze.

And I guess "Charlie" is supposed to be Carter's version of Uncle Mike. With rape in his eyes.

Hahaha, me too, random homosexual. I don't want to hear it either, but now that you've poked the mountain lion we'll hear this anyway.

... Note that Charlie was not actually filming that rally. He was just... there.... for some reason. No comment on the... the... what would you call something like that? Weird bondage earring taxidriver muttonchop man thing?

Is this the Abraham that was supposed to sacrifice his son to God for no real reason, then God was all, "hehe, just kidding, guy, don't kill your own kid."? Probably. But why the mugshots? He didn't actually kill his son.

Wait, why do Abraham and Lot have their own herdsmen? Who cares who herds around which cows? It's the same damn land. Oh. Whoa, forgot this was the Bronze age for a second. Back when people were singleminded simpletons that did what voices in their heads told them to unquestioningly.

Well, if it's whatever land he wanted and he picked the land he wanted, what's the problem? Besides the radiocatively monstrous gila lizards roaming the dirt waiting to devour them, of course. If Abraham had the Plains of Jordan, would that make him greedy too?

He didn't know he chose to live in Doom Town because he was unaware that miles and miles of land could only have one city in them.

Yeah, measuring out 2x4s serves God. Please, please tell me how.

Of course it was the worst mistake he ever made, he just aged about 30 years. And apparently his health is failing, and he spends his days looking at shiny things now.

Chick and Carter relished drawing this panel. Just look at that scene-stealing man-on-man action. Beats me why they'd spend so much time illustrating passionate kisses between the freakiest one-size-fits-most stereotypes I'd ever seen, but let's divert our gaze to the background.

..... That was hard, wasn't it. Anyway, good of chick to include the fairies on the back of these guys' cloaks. I don't know why he'd put in the semiclothed child though.... is that even legal?

Then move, dumbass.

Um, I have yet to see or hear a homosexual talk about their partners as "wives". And all these steamy makeout scenes are creeping me out.

Augh augh augh, ook ook! It's that time again. -poop fling-

Ignoring the stupid, stupid implications of this (that all gays are effeminate, and molest children). Come on guys, massive group eyeroll, and let's move on.

Wait, wait, wait. Nowhere in the bible does God actually physically come to anyone's house for any reason. So, bullshit.

So, going on that logic, I don't think that blurry washerwoman is in charge of destroying Sodom. Abe's vision must not be too good these days.
Isn't 50 just such a weird number? Considering there are only what, 9 other people in Sodom, of course he's not gonna find 50. Quitter.

That's right, there were only 9 people total in the whole city. Is this some weird Abraham Cataract-o-Vision?

"Yeeeeees, gentlemen. Come, join me in my lair....."

No, Lot didn't move them, they invited themselves over for the night. It may've been more convenient if they, um, went back to being angels and spent the night in heaven so they wouldn't be a burden.... guess not.

I don't know why he has a Labrador puppy. I also don't remember when Party became a euphemism for Rape. And it's the return of Elvis Gay!

"Take my virgin daughters instead!" Rot in hellfire, you tapioca-faced misogynistic ass. Tip of the day: When you're trying to keep angels from getting it in the ass, don't look like you're getting it instead.

And this ladies and gents, is the missing link between ape and human. How nice of Chick to provide us with him.

You can just tell Chick is hot for this.
"... swearing, clawing perverts lunged for him... oh yeah.... with their smooth muscles, toned bodies.. all oiled up..."

The angels pulled Lot inside and.....

... whipped Lot like the nasty worthless filth that he was, ooh yeah.

No? Oh, okay. Well, at least they remain fabulous when they're blinded.
The Sodomites sure weren't very determined rapists.

It's that time again, folks.

This is fucking stupid. Why would he care if his daughters came with him? He just handed them over as rapefodder the second he was threatened. Now he's 'hesitating'. Fucking stupid.

This just gets worse and worse, doesn't it! Lot's daughters don't look a day over 14.

Then it happened..... Lot shat himself. He tried to keep it on the DL, but looks like his wife noticed the smell. Since she was not actually considered a person and thereby incapable of doing anything except having babies, she decided not to say anything.

Lovely.

GOD DOESN'T PLAY GAMES! He's dead serious, y'all! If he threatens to burn you the fuck alive because of your sex life, then by golly go to one of those stupid pray-the-gay-away camps.

Wow, god sure is intent on subjugating his creations. "Rebellion is witchcraft! Rarrrgh! Rarrgh rarrgh rarrgh! Slobberbite! Rabies!!!!"

NO, NO, NO, YOU RETARD. THAT'S MOSES. MO-SES. NOT LEVITICUS. I don't see "Thou shalt not be gay" written on those stone tablets, do you? Oh, that's right, they're completely blank.

"Well, son, I stick my neck out like this because Fred Carter can't draw me in a decent pose. You see... I was born without a spine. As a result I always look stoic and noble. I mean, if you told me to wiggle my eyebrows right now, I couldn't do it to save my life. I don't know why I was drawn with animal lust in my eyes. Please don't look at me like I just grew an extra head."

No, God doesn't. You just explained what happened to the last batch of homosexuals god got into contact with. Burned alive, remember? Not set free. Engulfed in flames. Not "wanting to save them".

And here's what gets me about the crucifixion. Do Christians not realize that it was the preferred method of execution by the Romans? Add in that Christianity was one of their favorite religions to persecute, and then you're left wondering why Jesus is so special. They loved torture and brutality for sport, so why would their executions be different? Jesus wasn't the only one who was crucified ever, and they didn't choose the most painful punishment for him just 'cause. That's just how they did it back then, historically.

His name is Sean? I'm glad we got to find that out in the penultimate panel set!
And Jesus won't cure Teh Ghey, by the way. So, get ready for a life of repression and misery enslaved to an imaginary being.


So what have we learned from all this? Well, namely, that hate is a family value in Chick's book, and that God's way of showing his love for gays is to set them aflame and let them die a painful death, then send them on to Hell, where this is repeated for eternity. Funny way of showing love, huh.

And you know what happened after Lot fled Sodom? His daughters schemed to have sex with him.

No, Seriously You Guys, This Thursday the World Will End!

Ah, finally! I've got the energy to analyze these godawful things again! I'll format and format, but my hard drive will never be clean. (I don't hotlink these pictures, because even if Chick is evil, hotlinking is just douchy.)

So, it seems the Rapture is still imminent (as it has been for several hundred years). Except this time, we follow the child of Satan around as he appears for like six panels, and then disappears. Nothing you haven't seen before, just a condensed version of all of Chick's beliefs about how sinners will perish, and his screwy idea of redemption. Also, gore. Enjoy (If you're a masochist).

----Um, what? Oh-OH! Oh my god, Jesus is coming! Look busy! Here, have preach at this heathen baby or something!

There's something really important you should know, Spawn of Satan. This isn't my real hair. This is actually someone's pancreas draped over my scalp. Also, my real hair is in your vest.

YAAH! !@***!! They oiled themselves up, so when the airbag deploys they'll both launch out of the moonroof!

Ugh. Next to Li'l Susy, Uncle Mike is the most irritating recurring character. Except this time he's Bob. Something about that passing resemblance to Hitler....

As stupid as Chick tracts are, I'm glad he's an equal-opportunity artist. He'll include people with psychological conditions like OEGTYS Syndrome (Observe Every Goddamn Thing You See). And it looks like gradation is bad for roads, considering now they scream "SCREEEEEEEECH!" if your car skids. Glorified Rumble Strips, except they emulate a shirll back-seat driver.

OH NO! They lost Fang?! Why do these things continue without him? Well, I guess this whole scene does have a purpose: to impart the wisdom that crashing into telephone poles will make them generate bottles of alcohol, condoms, and giant, open-mouthed eels.

I wish Chick was better at conveying age. Like, why is Damien still living with his parents?

...Oh, those aren't his parents, I guess they're the prison wardens. But that doesn't explain why he's got that nice bed, and... oh, whatever. I don't care anymore. It's too hard to figure out where he is anyway.

"Damien, you're already a Christian. You know all this. But the viewers at home might not. So let us now explain one of the stupid tenets of Christianity, the looniest one whose acceptance is spotty, in case people didn't already realize that Jack Chick never leaves the house."

Jesus will rapture his church? Not this again. Not again. We've been over the creepy innuendo with "God's love gift". Jesus will rapture his church. I hope it's not just me, but why does salvation sound so sleazy?

"...the tribulation saints will be beheaded"? WTF? Seriously. Please, contrive some more. And Then the three-headed Garden of Eden horse will reign for the next few weeks, after which a rather large Inuit woman will take over and all foods besides Fritos and clear beads will be expressly forbidden. Anyone caught with anything but Fritos and clear beads will be placed in a large aquarium for public viewing. Then they drop tigers into the aquarium. Rainbow ones, to the delight of children, who wear red smocks until the age of 12. Yep, that's how it'll happen. And it will happen, I assure you.

"Are you interested?" "Are you kidding? I just woke up. I don't need this. Tell me about your day instead or something." "Well, so the story goes...." "No, stop. I don't want to hear it. I already know all of this--" "THE STORY GOES...."

Jesus got a makeover. Good for Him. It's never to late to improve yourself, I say.

Oh no! The four horsemen! I thought they were War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. Nope. They're Catholic Klansman, Saracen Mounties, Skeletal Lawyers, and Flaming Ventriloquists. I need to go on Wikipedia more often.

Oooh, gory carnage. God is love.

Why Germany and Russia? Why isn't Kazakhstan or Austria or Spain a threat? They weren't around during the Old Testament either. What's that? Chick hates Germany and Russia for some reason and decided to demonize them under the guise of scripture? That's odd.

Of course, maybe I don't get it because I wasn't alive during the Cold War and I don't keep grudges against entire nations (since I stopped reading newspapers 53 years ago), but isn't the Bible supposed to be timeless or static or something? Like, true Christians wouldn't manipulate its contents to fit their agendas-- oh, I'm sorry. I forgot for a second that we were talking about the Bible. Silly me.

Here's a tangent. Something that especially pisses me off about Jack Chick is his ability to seek out a fairly uncommon group and relentlessly offend. I bet this tract doesn't go over very well in Germany, Russia, or the Muslim world. Well, I wouldn't know, because it's not translated into any of the languages those people speak. But the Cold War is over. They're not the CCCP or Third Reich or whatever you made them into anymore, they're modern nations (there's that word "modern" that fundamentalists hate so much, because they'd still live to be so fucking old if America was the still the Christian Nation they imagined it to be in the 1950's, the kind that forbids science). I'm going to pop some veins if I continue, so let's just go to the next panel.

I don't know what the fuck is going on in these two panels. Are these just random non-sequiters he's throwing at us now? These aren't full sentences, the pictures don't make any sense, everything is out of context. Does not parse. I'm wasting 'skip panel' credits now, but I genuinely have no idea what's going on.

Oh, I get it, Catholics are the Antichrist. I'm pretty sure this much lying and fabrication will get you buttspanks from God in heaven. This is just plain stupid, and apparently makes it onto Wikipedia's Jesuit article.

Um. Yeah. Of course. When you're spiritual leader of the world, that means you rule it. I'd want to check in with the athiests, the Muslims, the Episcopalians, to find out how they gave away their beliefs so easily. Except this has not and will never happen, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

Also, I wonder how the Amish feel sharing principles with the Buddhists, and that evil religion science. Religions don't all agree with each other, that's why there are different ones. Conflicting religions will reconcile and merge when Chick steps outside. That is, never.

Oh, cool. I guess he likes to make up alternate endings to Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's got quite an imagination. Maybe he should've been a writer, like Ann Coulter or something. It certainly wouldn't bother as many people, because it's expensive to dump books in gas station bathrooms and bus stops at innocent bystanders.

"WOOO! DISPENSATIONALISM! ROCK ON!!!

Unable to buy or sell? But how will I purchase my parchment, goats and slaves? What am I going to buy my sheaves of papyrus and myrrh with?! It truly is the end of the world!

In the future, Christian heads will be easily removable. Simply side off by placing your hand on their cheek, and apply gentle pressure. The presence of a guillotine, which can usually be rented out from historic French museums, eases the process. Make sure to dress like a Hellenic Army guard.

All kidding aside, if they are really Christians, wouldn't they have been poofed into the air before they get harmed in any way?

Apparently, God's wrath comes out of wands and looks like spit. I wonder if it's safe for angels to just line up in an orderly fashion and dump Wrath out one by one with all those crosshairs floating around.

And I think beheading people for their beliefs constitutes a horrible nightmare. Why does it begin now? Why are we even talking about this? I thought the guy (who we will probably never see ever again) already knew all this?

That sounds an awful lot like Saharan Africa. Except their crises are caused by depleting resources, genocide and ineffectual governments, not Gawd. The typical Saharan African isn't white, either. Latent racism?

Ten leaders? I thought the only leaders allowed to whatever are the Rockstar Pope.

You know, it's not exactly subtle that this story was written 2000 years ago. Kings of the East? Fixation on Israel? Yeah.


Oh, not more of this avatar-metaphor embodiment crap again.
These bible quotes are more disarming than menacing. Oooh, everyone run, the Lamb is coming.

Loving god indeed.

This is so stupid. Just so, impossibly stupid. Well, the angels tossing people into Hell is kind of funny.


"The devil is judged by the Lord Jesus"? About damn time, huh?
Well, okay. I guess the worst thing they can come up with is throwing the devil into Hell. Okay. Sucks for him.

Wrap it up, people. I wonder if this is what casual Fundie conversations are like. "Hey Bob, tell me about the Rapture."

Oops! Was that the fourth wall I just knocked over? Shoot. Hey, reader, what's up?

.... Actually, this sounded like one huge joke. Whether it was funny or not is a different issue, but it did sound far-fetched and outdated, so it probably hit a few absurdist funny-bones.


Um, what was that? The tract is called "Here He Comes!" in such a silly, disarming way. Like, it should be followed by an "Oh, brother." and an eyeroll from a 90s sitcom. Well, not quite. Unless you find paranoid dispensationalism as funny as Chick does, or doesn't, or whatever he was trying to say. I wish this all made sense, I really do.