No, Seriously You Guys, This Thursday the World Will End!

Ah, finally! I've got the energy to analyze these godawful things again! I'll format and format, but my hard drive will never be clean. (I don't hotlink these pictures, because even if Chick is evil, hotlinking is just douchy.)

So, it seems the Rapture is still imminent (as it has been for several hundred years). Except this time, we follow the child of Satan around as he appears for like six panels, and then disappears. Nothing you haven't seen before, just a condensed version of all of Chick's beliefs about how sinners will perish, and his screwy idea of redemption. Also, gore. Enjoy (If you're a masochist).

----Um, what? Oh-OH! Oh my god, Jesus is coming! Look busy! Here, have preach at this heathen baby or something!

There's something really important you should know, Spawn of Satan. This isn't my real hair. This is actually someone's pancreas draped over my scalp. Also, my real hair is in your vest.

YAAH! !@***!! They oiled themselves up, so when the airbag deploys they'll both launch out of the moonroof!

Ugh. Next to Li'l Susy, Uncle Mike is the most irritating recurring character. Except this time he's Bob. Something about that passing resemblance to Hitler....

As stupid as Chick tracts are, I'm glad he's an equal-opportunity artist. He'll include people with psychological conditions like OEGTYS Syndrome (Observe Every Goddamn Thing You See). And it looks like gradation is bad for roads, considering now they scream "SCREEEEEEEECH!" if your car skids. Glorified Rumble Strips, except they emulate a shirll back-seat driver.

OH NO! They lost Fang?! Why do these things continue without him? Well, I guess this whole scene does have a purpose: to impart the wisdom that crashing into telephone poles will make them generate bottles of alcohol, condoms, and giant, open-mouthed eels.

I wish Chick was better at conveying age. Like, why is Damien still living with his parents?

...Oh, those aren't his parents, I guess they're the prison wardens. But that doesn't explain why he's got that nice bed, and... oh, whatever. I don't care anymore. It's too hard to figure out where he is anyway.

"Damien, you're already a Christian. You know all this. But the viewers at home might not. So let us now explain one of the stupid tenets of Christianity, the looniest one whose acceptance is spotty, in case people didn't already realize that Jack Chick never leaves the house."

Jesus will rapture his church? Not this again. Not again. We've been over the creepy innuendo with "God's love gift". Jesus will rapture his church. I hope it's not just me, but why does salvation sound so sleazy?

"...the tribulation saints will be beheaded"? WTF? Seriously. Please, contrive some more. And Then the three-headed Garden of Eden horse will reign for the next few weeks, after which a rather large Inuit woman will take over and all foods besides Fritos and clear beads will be expressly forbidden. Anyone caught with anything but Fritos and clear beads will be placed in a large aquarium for public viewing. Then they drop tigers into the aquarium. Rainbow ones, to the delight of children, who wear red smocks until the age of 12. Yep, that's how it'll happen. And it will happen, I assure you.

"Are you interested?" "Are you kidding? I just woke up. I don't need this. Tell me about your day instead or something." "Well, so the story goes...." "No, stop. I don't want to hear it. I already know all of this--" "THE STORY GOES...."

Jesus got a makeover. Good for Him. It's never to late to improve yourself, I say.

Oh no! The four horsemen! I thought they were War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. Nope. They're Catholic Klansman, Saracen Mounties, Skeletal Lawyers, and Flaming Ventriloquists. I need to go on Wikipedia more often.

Oooh, gory carnage. God is love.

Why Germany and Russia? Why isn't Kazakhstan or Austria or Spain a threat? They weren't around during the Old Testament either. What's that? Chick hates Germany and Russia for some reason and decided to demonize them under the guise of scripture? That's odd.

Of course, maybe I don't get it because I wasn't alive during the Cold War and I don't keep grudges against entire nations (since I stopped reading newspapers 53 years ago), but isn't the Bible supposed to be timeless or static or something? Like, true Christians wouldn't manipulate its contents to fit their agendas-- oh, I'm sorry. I forgot for a second that we were talking about the Bible. Silly me.

Here's a tangent. Something that especially pisses me off about Jack Chick is his ability to seek out a fairly uncommon group and relentlessly offend. I bet this tract doesn't go over very well in Germany, Russia, or the Muslim world. Well, I wouldn't know, because it's not translated into any of the languages those people speak. But the Cold War is over. They're not the CCCP or Third Reich or whatever you made them into anymore, they're modern nations (there's that word "modern" that fundamentalists hate so much, because they'd still live to be so fucking old if America was the still the Christian Nation they imagined it to be in the 1950's, the kind that forbids science). I'm going to pop some veins if I continue, so let's just go to the next panel.

I don't know what the fuck is going on in these two panels. Are these just random non-sequiters he's throwing at us now? These aren't full sentences, the pictures don't make any sense, everything is out of context. Does not parse. I'm wasting 'skip panel' credits now, but I genuinely have no idea what's going on.

Oh, I get it, Catholics are the Antichrist. I'm pretty sure this much lying and fabrication will get you buttspanks from God in heaven. This is just plain stupid, and apparently makes it onto Wikipedia's Jesuit article.

Um. Yeah. Of course. When you're spiritual leader of the world, that means you rule it. I'd want to check in with the athiests, the Muslims, the Episcopalians, to find out how they gave away their beliefs so easily. Except this has not and will never happen, so I wouldn't hold my breath.

Also, I wonder how the Amish feel sharing principles with the Buddhists, and that evil religion science. Religions don't all agree with each other, that's why there are different ones. Conflicting religions will reconcile and merge when Chick steps outside. That is, never.

Oh, cool. I guess he likes to make up alternate endings to Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's got quite an imagination. Maybe he should've been a writer, like Ann Coulter or something. It certainly wouldn't bother as many people, because it's expensive to dump books in gas station bathrooms and bus stops at innocent bystanders.

"WOOO! DISPENSATIONALISM! ROCK ON!!!

Unable to buy or sell? But how will I purchase my parchment, goats and slaves? What am I going to buy my sheaves of papyrus and myrrh with?! It truly is the end of the world!

In the future, Christian heads will be easily removable. Simply side off by placing your hand on their cheek, and apply gentle pressure. The presence of a guillotine, which can usually be rented out from historic French museums, eases the process. Make sure to dress like a Hellenic Army guard.

All kidding aside, if they are really Christians, wouldn't they have been poofed into the air before they get harmed in any way?

Apparently, God's wrath comes out of wands and looks like spit. I wonder if it's safe for angels to just line up in an orderly fashion and dump Wrath out one by one with all those crosshairs floating around.

And I think beheading people for their beliefs constitutes a horrible nightmare. Why does it begin now? Why are we even talking about this? I thought the guy (who we will probably never see ever again) already knew all this?

That sounds an awful lot like Saharan Africa. Except their crises are caused by depleting resources, genocide and ineffectual governments, not Gawd. The typical Saharan African isn't white, either. Latent racism?

Ten leaders? I thought the only leaders allowed to whatever are the Rockstar Pope.

You know, it's not exactly subtle that this story was written 2000 years ago. Kings of the East? Fixation on Israel? Yeah.


Oh, not more of this avatar-metaphor embodiment crap again.
These bible quotes are more disarming than menacing. Oooh, everyone run, the Lamb is coming.

Loving god indeed.

This is so stupid. Just so, impossibly stupid. Well, the angels tossing people into Hell is kind of funny.


"The devil is judged by the Lord Jesus"? About damn time, huh?
Well, okay. I guess the worst thing they can come up with is throwing the devil into Hell. Okay. Sucks for him.

Wrap it up, people. I wonder if this is what casual Fundie conversations are like. "Hey Bob, tell me about the Rapture."

Oops! Was that the fourth wall I just knocked over? Shoot. Hey, reader, what's up?

.... Actually, this sounded like one huge joke. Whether it was funny or not is a different issue, but it did sound far-fetched and outdated, so it probably hit a few absurdist funny-bones.


Um, what was that? The tract is called "Here He Comes!" in such a silly, disarming way. Like, it should be followed by an "Oh, brother." and an eyeroll from a 90s sitcom. Well, not quite. Unless you find paranoid dispensationalism as funny as Chick does, or doesn't, or whatever he was trying to say. I wish this all made sense, I really do.

About the lack of updates

Sorry. School, you know. So busy. By the time 4 'o clock rolls around I want to collapse on the nearest surface for a nice long nap. Which doesn't seem to be a big deal, but tolerating Chick tracts is really, really hard (let alone when your eyes close themselves). I've had kind of a rough few days, too.

Hopefully I'll get to a new dissection soon, but that may even have to wait until the weekend.

Don't stop truckin'. (Today I got my 100th visitor since I put the counter up, yay. That builds morale.)

Jr.

(Early morining PS: Dang, people! I've been getting like 25 hits a day. Thank you all for reading.)

Allah isn't God in Arabic

Lil' Susy (who has quite a career profile in kid's tracts) tends to especially pisses me off. I don't know if it's how she laps up anything her misinformed Grandpa says, her eagerness to tear down observable scientific fact and replace it with superstitions and fear, or her condescension to anyone she talks to, but something about her just mashes a button.

This time she's against evil towelheads, who are actually satanic and violent. We learn this from One-Eye Grandpa, who seems to always pop in Susy's tracts and feed her religious ammunition (God's army, whatever) that may or may not actually be true.

Basically, Islam-hate based on stupid, hypocritical strawmen. See, kids shouldn't convert one another because they have no grasp of ancient customs and gobble up anything their fundamentalist grandparents say without objection. Remember, parents, misinformation starts young.
------

"Hey, little girl, want some candy? Here, follow me to my van."

Why isn't Ms. Henn (see Birds and the Bees; Devil's Night) evil in this one? That's unfair. I guess she's not going to bring Muslims to school with her today, just doing homework. Where's her gay/satan-promoting? I feel robbed.

"Susan, my companion! We bring excellent news from the hand of fate itself!" "I'm over here, you guys. Just... yeah, to your right a little... there you go."

She's trying really hard to hide that grimace. It's probably because Amir is a foreign-sounding name.

Oh no! The last thing these impressionable kids need is learning that there are other religions in the world and we can, in fact, coexist without fracture.

So? Susy wants you to be fundamentalists. Shouldn't you decide for yourselves? I mean, Susy's not going to be you all your life.

6:00 PM (1800 hrs). Trenton, New Jersey. 23 August 2007.
Little Susy Residence.

"Grandpa, considering the appalling accuracy of your religious knowledge in the last few tracts, I'd like you to impart some of your encyclopedic knowledge to me. What's a Muslim? I've never seen the news before. If you'd like, I'll help you out of that giant coffee mug. It must be pretty uncomfortable in there."

-sigh- It's a shame how little compensation we give our veterans these days. This guy, however, really got the raw end of the deal. He hasn't even changed out of his waiter garb and already Susy's badgering him about Muslims. Is it too much trouble for the government to just ship some horse tranquilizer to keep Susy down long enough for Grandpa to change out of his work clothes?

You get 'em! When that ho be encroachin' on your turf, you level her.

...Because if she doesn't tell them about Jesus, they probably will never hear of him! Not a paranoid delusion after all. Especially if they're in danger of not being afraid all their lives.

"You and your little friends, I'll get you, once and for all!"

This is a mission briefing after all. "I'll tell you what I know." Oh, that's where we are! Christ Warriors H.Q.! I'm not going to bother pointing out that Allah is just Arabic for God, the stream of lies coming out of his mouth, or that most people that live in a post-modern fantasy house (what's with the couch sculpture?) should be a little more open-minded to different things. Instead, I'll just update my info stamp:

6:00 PM (1800 hrs). Undisclosed location. 23 August 2007.
"Christ Warriors" Headquarters, Little Susy Residence.

The Hadith sounds an awful lot like the New Testament. It boggles me why Stupid Susy hasn't made that parallel, considering she can already tell that two Islamic kids living a few blocks away are a threat.

Whoa, wait, that loving gaze she's fixed on pappy isn't appropriate for a kid-oriented tract. ...well, it does make the cover picture make a whole lot of sense, though.

"Listen closely, agent Susan. Pay close attention to what I say, as this message will self-destruct in 0:05 of it's completion. You must know these things to combat your so far harmless Muslim neighbors...", and the briefing goes on. "You know what you must do. Destruction sequence, engage." Beep. BOOOM

Oh, no! Susy's about to meet people different from her! Brace for impact.

Okay, two kids in traditional Muslim garb. Nothing hazardous here.
"Becky! Tashana! STOP! You aren't actually doing anything.... yet. Even though he's just telling you what you say for reference, these words are evil and spoken only by Satan-lovers! They're naughty words, just like 'fuck', 'shit', and 'vagina'." Cue hand tremors, then cue minor stroke.

Uh, they weren't actually saying anything to begin with, so no one stopped them from anything.
Good for you, Susy, you never learn without asking questions. Except, usually people don't ask questions with malicious intent.

"I'm amazed you know this! Most of the stupid, ignorant, racist fundies I talk to don't bother to talk to real Muslims, they just cobble a bunch of bullshit together and use it against us to further their hateful agendas! I'm glad you took the trouble to learn about my beliefs, but I just wish you'd used a reliable source."

No! No! Stop talking to her! You're feeding the flames! She's about to assault your religion by exploiting any missteps in your speech!

I guess his mother already knows what's about to happen, and is just keeping him from a violent, angry shitstorm. And Christians think they're being persecuted?

Are raincoats part of traditional Muslim dress for women? Most women wear hijabs, (and no, it's not mandated by the Koran to wear one, Jack), not babushkas.

What a sarcastic, condescending little shit. "He never lied! Jesus never lied either!"

Actually, considering you idiots think Adam lived for 900+ years, how far a stretch is it that he was 90 feet tall? Oh, and he got around by an all-seeing horse with three heads. And the Garden of Eden was actually in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. Am I hitting close to your stupid fairy tale yet? The fact that Susy said Adam was the first man just triggered the "ignore whatever she says next" alarm.

So? Learn that God isn't nice. If you haven't read the story of Job yet, I'll spoil it for you and tell you that basically God had a bet with the devil that Job would stay faithful even if all his blessings were removed and he was cursed, and Job did, so God won. (That should go without saying because he's supposed to be omnipotent.) But that's where the story ends, Job never gets his children or wife or property or friends back. God is love!

Ah, Chick, you racist ass. The black girl has to get offended at the notion of slaves. Having slaves was very commonplace for a huge chunk of ancient history, as was polygamy and what have you. There is a world outside yours, and it has a history that you might not like. That's the risk you take when you're born. Sorry.

Now she's got some sort of ugly snarl on her face, because she's in Fundie overdrive and her little 7-year-old body isn't an adequate container for her hatred.

Also, lifespans were very short back then, so yes, as disquieting as that is, young marriage was also common. And most Greeks (Athenians, Spartans, etc), Persians, and a host of other ancient Eurasian civilizations didn't consider themselves pedophiles because, again, standards change with time. Also gross, but true.

"His god is not the God of the Bible, even if the Old Testament is one of the holy books of Islam." Just like "gato" has nothing to do with "cat", Allah has nothing to do with God.

Oh, they worshiped an idol called the "Moon God"? I'm impressed with her bullshitting skills, and her creativity, because I probably wouldn't have thought of "Moon God" myself.

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure that's not what the crescent stands for.Not because of this fantasy "moon god" boogeyman Chick invented to shock and awe people who don't consider idols to be tools of the devil.

Also, Susy, you seem to be a smarmy know-it-all, prove to me that this actually happened. No, the bible isn't proof. Try again. Oh, wait, Jesus ascended to heaven and left no trace of his presence on earth? Convenient. That's just a series of seemingly unlikely events that played out anyway, and not just a way for primatives to rationalize death and anything else they couldn't explain.

If she doesn't know what God is, how can she know what a god is? Idiot. I bet you'll fall for her refuting real facts with religious fantasy too. Seriously, what the world really needs is more people going against observable and proven evidence.

Nope. Man and dinosaurs never coexisted, regardless of what your vague descriptions of a giant animal make you think. And if Jesus had a hand in it, then Allah did too, because they're the same person (minus the confusing triune god idea). Mohammed wrote stuff down for god, he isn't the Muslim equivalent of Jesus. You hateful, ignorant idiot. I hate you and your buggy eyes, your lack of a lower lip, and every other grotesque feature about you because you're drawn by a paranoid freak who never leaves the house.

Only Jesus could do that because that's the condition set by the Bible. Dying for sins isn't a major factor in other religions. Some have other ways of salvation, or just teach being a kinder person. It's not how much a religion deviates from Christianity that makes it 'wrong'.

Heheh. "Came" upon Mary. That's funny, looks like she wasn't a virgin after all.
"And the child was Jesus!" What a surprise, I thought this story was going to go in a completely different direction where the baby was just some random bastard child. WOW, TELL ME MORE.

Standard 3:16. Does Chick think that putting this in every tract will convince us that it's more true somehow? Repetition=fact? The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. The earth is flat. Am I getting through to you? No? The earth is flat. The earth is flat. How about now? Do you believe me yet?

I'm not bothering with this one. For reasons why, just consult the rest of this dissection. Nothing new here, just reiteration of her misinterpretation of Islam.

Is that what Becky and Tashana did? I got worried, there. I lost track of the plot while we were between panels. Thank goodness, now I can still understand what's going on.

Why wouldn't you want to sin again? You just got a Get Out of Hell Free card. Go celebrate by sinning it up.

One thing I don't get about Chick is how inconsistent he is with his presentation of Christianity's tenants. Do you get judged once you die, or do you languish around till Judgement day, or what?

Also, why is it that he doesn't care if he lies about other people to demonize them? Isn't lying a sin? He has a computer, is it too much trouble to spend 15 minutes reading about Islam on Wikipedia, so you know what you're talking about and don't look like a moron?

Apparently, yes.

God's the Governor Now

I'm not making fun of The Execution today, because it's so half-assed, self-deprecating, and criminally stupid that I'm pretty sure Chick is the world's best IRL troll for making it. Go look at it now, and wait for the bright green WTF? float over your head right before you have an aneurysm caused by Jack T. Chick pushing out a big wet turd on your intelligence. Warning: Contains hyperconcentrated Fundamentalism, and as pants-wettingly funny as that is, is not recommended for people with heart conditions or pregnant women for that reason.

----

Phew. Okay. I've got my stuff together now, I promise. For some reason or another I really, really didn't want to do any dissections lately. Nothing out of the ordinary for me to ridicule, and I kept leaving raw Tracts on my posts. Also, Chick decided to add video to his site. Most of it is standard Catholic-bashing and Jesus propaganda, you know. Well, on to business.
-
Today ours is a story of a wonderful, loving god that accepts you even if you make mistakes. And how that's not the God of the Bible. Seriously, that's an excerpt from the dialogue.
Oh, and Wilford Brimley (of Diabeetus fame) makes a surprise visit as the Complacent, Judgemental Christian.

"Okay, okay, I'll be in your tract. Just calm down, Mr. Chick-- hey, here, have my wallet."

"Anything you say can and will be used against you, so we advise you be quiet while Officer Richards rapes you. Please be still."

Oooh! Little Richard is up against Douglas Rogers! We've got lots of work ahead, but luckily you'll skip that part, because Chick likes to discard characters. So says Dr. Marvin Monroe. I wonder how he wound up being a court-appointed attorney, though.

I'll take over the world! The governor's chair is but a small step in my plan!

From what I know about the legal system (via Law & Order reruns), isn't it his job to find him guilty? I wouldn't know, but.

Oh, come on. Is it impossible to throw your readers a bone and actually draw the characters, and not their silhouettes in the window?

"And now, a completely different direction in the conversation at arbitrary fucking random: That's exactly what's happening to you, Doug. You're in the God Legal System, and the prosecutor (Jesus) is looking for things about you to condemn you with, because Jesus wants to be in the governor's chair." Which elicits the appropriate response, "WHAT!?!".

He may not be on trial, but he sure can get his diabeetus medication delivered right to his door with a simple phone call.

And which of God's confusing, contradictory and outdated laws is he breaking? Ambition? Going through with the legal process, and not just stoning sinners to death? No, wait, let me guess. He's wearing a polyester blend. Yeah, that's the one. Oh, and don't let your kids ever want to amount to anything, because that's evil and a sin.

"That's ridiculous. When I signed up for Christianity, they told me God loved me unconditionally and that Jesus forgave my sins." Whoops. Missed a clause, there.

"You're a big-shot lawyer who prosecutes people that may or may not have committed felonies, like this hasn't been going on for centuries."

Wilford: You'll be in the court before God, answering for your crimes.
Doug: Seriously, man, what does this have to do with that sleazy looking guy we're supposed to indict? Er-okay, yeah, "That's impossible! blah blah.."

Here it comes. Again, fundieism isn't real Christianity.
Isn't that what they tell you to get you to join? Even Chick says that God loves you, even with your sins, but for some reason that's not reflected here, because surprise! The meaning of things magically change when you want them to in Christianity. That's the way to get converts: threaten Hell, or trick them into thinking God loves them. After all, that's not the God of the Bible. The God of the Bible is mostly wrath, unnecessary suffering, and ridiculous laws.

Aw, now his hand's all offended and exploding. Nice going, Wilford.

"Oh, no! My God-Sense is tingling! Somewhere in the city, two people who are unrelated to me at this point are arguing God! Time to spring into action."

Um, well, if the current governor is an idiot, then isn't it fair to want to replace him with someone more qualified? Hey, it just hit me, there has only been one computer in a Chick tract, ever. That's weird.

"I told you I'd do anything- Didn'tcha hear me?" Oooh, shit, oh, shit. He's asking for it. Why would you do that to yourself? If you see a bear, don't smear yourself with steaks and honey, and if you see a fundie, for god's sake don't ask them about God. Here goes.

Actually, no. Let's do a point-by-point:

• Have no other god: erm, except the part of him probably being Christian and they usually tell you that God does love you, so it's the same God, different interpretation
• Commit adultery: When did he say he committed adultery? WTF?
• Not steal: he didn't, he just said he may if he needed to.
• Not lie: same.
• Not covet: this is one of the stupid commandments, and I don't know how you would go through life not coveting anything. Oh, wait, hold on, isn't ridding yourself of desires a pillar of Buddhism? And isn't Buddhism eeevil? The bible's kind of schizophrenic about that.

Also, I don't get the "dead duck" similie. Maybe he meant 'lame duck', but 'dead duck' doesn't make sense.

How does one die in their sins, exactly? Fall on the knife after they've killed someone, have a heart attack while cheating on your spouse, being sacrificed to Baal? Seriously.

And just to mess with you, God will pretend to be a literal court judge. Okay.

Looks like we won't have to worry about the afterlife of the Twin Towers, they went to heaven when they died and now shout sins at people. "Oh noes, I bet the liberals are going to be pissed that we have a big copy of the ten commandments right there on our cloud."

That seems kind of mean.

I can't even make this stuff up. "The whole world is guilty and headed for hell! So God decided to just forgive everyone, because that's what love is---wait. No, hold on, looks like he didn't just forgive everyone even though he is, you know, omnipotent. He went through a delicate, complicated process to only forgive a few people gullible enough to believe that story."

Aaaand, we're back to your regularly scheduled Christ. "Make the evidence disappear like it never happened"? Isn't that what 'his God' was doing, except without so many rules and restrictions and fear?

Our heroine has finally made it! Now, on, to salvation!

Oh, fucking A, not "who's Jesus" again.

It's scary how much Wilford looks like a walrus in that panel, but at least he can do his mascara well.

Actually, yes, Jesus did sin. He lied about going to some feast thing, and he referred to his mother as 'woman' (which counts to dishonor your parents, a commandment). As minor as these offenses were to normal people, fundies forget to consider them at all, because Jesus probably did forgive himself for anything he did wrong.Okay. Just saying, he did break commandments.

"Wake up! Are you still paying attention? I know this is kind of a boring story, and even as ridiculous as it is it doesn't hold people's attention well, but here's my stupid religion. Why aren't you accepting it? Are you thinking for yourself? Stop it! Stop it now! My made-up Sky Daddy doesn't like you doing that!"

Holy hell, if you can't even prove Jesus existed, it's not helping your case if everything you do is historically inaccurate. Neat little overhead lamps weren't around in 1 AD. They weren't. Torches were. Unless that's god's square goat eyes lovingly gazing at his avatar, there were no lamps. (Goat eyes, hehe. That's Satanic.)

And giving your only begotten son isn't a big deal when you can make infinitely more because you're immortal and, um, God.

Yeah, except you don't need someone to die for your sins to have a religion going. Buddhism teaches that everything in the world has a purpose and to be kind to living things, and isn't as much about the afterlife, because you're reincarnated. Muhammad is a guy who climbed up a mountain, spoke to god, came down, wrote it all, and corrected what he thought God said was wrong with the bible in the Koran. The Pope is just supposed to speak for God. Catholicism doesn't worship the Pope.

What a stupid assumption. There's more than One Way (pardon the pun) to do something. They're all just philosophies, but some are ruled by more fear than others.

Blah, blah, stupid, whatever.

Um, why did Doug turn into my eighth-grade English teacher all of a sudden? What does this have to do with the real guy on real trial, or Doug's gubernatorial endeavors? Ah, well, whatever. We're about to change subjects anyway.

I bent down, closed my eyes, and recieved God's love gift up my ass. It was sore afterwards, but I was in fact raped without lubrication by Christianity.

And I told someone I made up named Stan that I totally agree with him and that his girlfriend is wrong, and that I'm a millionaire. Wilford did the same thing, but got raeped in the process.

"Now that we've discussed this, my motive here was to convert you after all. So, what do you think? If you're thinking at all right now, stop. That's not how it works. You're supposed to fall on your knees and eat pieces of carpet, crying. I will not give you time to mull this over. Now or never. GO!"

Oh no! He's Jewifying!

"You've put me in a difficult situation. You see, if I convert now I'll get the Christian vote. I don't want that. They're not the religious majority, and I'll take my chances wooing other religions. You know, the ones that don't have a fixed voting pattern and can decide who they think best represents them, rather than who says they follow their religion."

You don't have to be a Jesus freak, asshole, just don't be a fundie and pass out Chick tracts all day.

Also, "I like sinning" was the icing on this Chocolate Bullshit Cake. Parties and girls? You're 45. You don't party anymore because that's fucking creepy and no one will invite you. If he still parties and does drugs with his friends, what is he doing wasting money on a campaign for governor?

"But what if you should die tonight?" "Seems likely. I mean, the grim reaper is standing right behind me, right? Well, whatever. You're being creepy, Wilford, I gotta go. See you."

Um, I guess the sneaking around and spying on people is all for that report she was doing. Makes sense....

...and thanks to Wilford, the criminal walks free, then goes off and takes Doug's car. Are all fundies like this? "Who cares if this guy does jack cars, your soul is at stake here! In real life, it doesn't matter if you die, because there may or may not be an afterlife and you may or may not be tortured there for eternity."


"GOTCHA! Oh, man, y'all just got punk'd."


Whoops, looks like Doug's gone. But the fun doesn't end there! Wilford's still proselytizing at full speed.

"Aw, dang, looks like your employer's gone. I'm completely unshaken by this, so I'll just go on and tell you about how he'll have maggots crawling out of his eyes while he's set on fire. What ambulance? Not like they can do anything about it. So, I guess I'll put you on the spot now."

That's the spirit. Wilford finally won himself some new victims. Standard HOMF HOMF carpetmunching (hehhe) fare.

You know what would rock so hard right now? If there was an alternate panel of Doug in a shapeless, empty void. "Hey, looks like there's no afterlife after all."

Whoa, wait. When did the Day of Judgement creep in here? I thought it was just when you die, not waiting for armegeddon. Whatever. These aren't consistent enough to convert anyone who has read more than two Chick tracts.

Now Death asks if you've ever told a lie. I don't know if this is subconscious for Chick, but what bothers me is that this has nothing to do with anything. Maybe it's Jack being subtle and talking to himself.


Blah, stupid, whatever, another triumph of fear. Another day, another dollar. Convert, convert, convert.

Why can't anyone stay alive throughout an entire Chick tract made for adults? Do the characters have to die just to prove a point? If so, why can't they ever be in a, you know, hellish hell? Not just pumpkinheaded poets calling it the "laughing place", or just steamy caves?

Breaking and Entering for the Lord Isn't Illegal

This is a story of a woman who never locks her fucking gate, and stupid account of how useful Chick thinks his tracts are. God almighty. Of course, as always, it doesn't resolve the little subplots Chick sets up for no reason; and has a miserable ending that's "happy" because even if you die a horrible, violent death, it's okay, because your family won't miss you if you're 'with the Lord'. Typical fundie "value life" bullshit, where you can't abort a 'living baby' but the only reason anyone dies in these tracts is so the main character feels remorse for not leading the deceased to the Magic Sky Fairy. Ugh. Creepy; a good reminder to lock your doors at night.

----

Help! There's a severed hand holding the Constitution, and there's blood everywhere! Call an ambulance! He even drew the limp sinew. Gross.

0/`It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for converting.o/`
Finally, some sense adrift in this vast sea of watery, sludgy bullshit.

Wait--wait! She knows her soul needs to be saved? And she refuses his advances? Um, yeah. It's not that atheists don't believe in God, it's that they do believe in the Christian God but just hate him. I'm glad someone in this world understands atheism! Funny how it's someone who doesn't go outside, ever. God works in mysterious ways.

Where did the hair on the sides of his head go?!

So what's the problem? I'm with this lady 100%. This outright proves that Fundieism is it's own religion, nothing like real Christianity. Everything she says up until the You're sick! makes perfect sense. It's pretty hard to see her as a villain right now, honestly.

It sounds like you're ashamed of the gospel? No, idiot, she just said that you cheapen the gospel. Why is this so hard for you to understand? She's a functioning member of society, so obviously not a part of your merry cult. Probably in the middle of running errands, too. See, your life can revolve around things other than standing outside all day handing out propaganda. That sounds like fun! "You mean we can buy groceries, play soccer, eat sandwiches, all that good stuff? Really? Oop, here comes a heathen. Hey, you're going to rot in eternal fire....blah..."

Well she must know what she's talking about, because she sleeps on a cloud. Or, come to think of it, a big pile of raw dough. Hehe. I'd hate to be her in the morning, I'd start my day by clawing myself out of a sticky, suffocating risen-dough mess, peel my oily clothing from myself, and go eat Wheaties for breakfast.

I'm glad that this encounter with Fundie Fred just meant so much to her that she woke up out of her sleep to complain about it, then fell asleep mid-sentence.

I pretend the panel goes all wavy, and that song that goes "memories... light the corners of my mind, fuzzy water-colored memories..." comes on.

This is so convoluted. Almost like the whole crucifiction process.

Why can't UPS be more like this? Delivering packages from the very depths of Hell right to my door! Oh, I know why. Because it's hard to move in million-degree heat when you're wearing rain ponchos and those weird hunting hats with the wooly ears. Plus, the logistics of driving those big buses through all those tormented souls and Earth's crust are a nightmare.

"Kyle Broflovski began his arduous journey to 236 Oak St, where the last person alive named Mildred lived. He had some trouble navigating through the self-explanatory Caverns of the Lost, wading through what sounded like thunder and people screaming 'fuck', and the whole cavern smelled like farts." Jesus warned us about a lot of things. He didn't bother to warn me about the inherent dangers of driving a car while eating a poorly-made sandwich though, so I do it anyway guilt-free.

God's love gift? Please stop calling it that. It calls rape to mind.

"We love you, King Kong, we love you!" Said the souls, weeping and gnashing their teeth.

The messengers continued on their neat, gently-sloping stone staircase out of hell that for some reason the souls haven't considered using.

HAHAHA. I wonder where this stone trap door out of hell leads? It looks like Arizona, or Utah.

"The journey is almost over. In time they will reach their destination, and a new generation of Emperor penguins will replace them in the cycle of life."

They had to walk on foot all the way from the entrance to Hell to somewhere in Connecticut? That's mean. Penalty for using the Emergency Escape staircase, I guess.

Looks like she won't need to wait for a mansion in heaven; she's already got one.

"Boromir, how come you always deliver the letters? I mean, I can do it too if I had the chance. Let me do it next time." Faramir isn't going inside the house with him because he's on patrol for cops.

"Animal cwackews in my soup! Animal cwackews loop-dee-loop!" Poor woman turns into Shirley Temple in her dreams.

Pastors should know that calling people past 9pm is impolite. It's downright rude to call them at 3:13 in the morning to thank them for contributions to their church.

EEEK! There's an imposing moonlit figure about to break into my house! Help me Jesus!

"Aw, shit, it smells like sulphur! I'm never eating burritos this late again!"
Why is everyone so rude to her? First the nocturnal pastor, then Kyle just up and barges in through her window and starts yelling at her. I'll call it... A Fundie Christmas Carol.

She's so cool about them just walking into her house. I'd flip out and start cleaving him with a fireplace shovel. Then see if my expensive electronics are all still there.

Wake up! Wake up! You're being robbed!

She should stop using the evil tranquilizer not because she has nightmares, but because
a) she sporadically woke up to complain about Chick Tract fundies,
b) it dulls her senses so much that she can't tell when her windows break and messengers from Hell come into her house, and
c) she woke up pregnant and with her hair in rollers with an 11th Commandment on her bed.

Well, it's more romantic than burning your name in her lawn.
'Atta boy, blame everyone who didn't lead you to Christianity, the majority religion wherever you live.

Ah, fundie love.

Stupid dog! They're not feeding you to growl at the intruders after they left!
"Hey, Boromir, let's go home and play Quarters."

Blaming her when they 'die in their sins' or whatever, that sucks. I guess a true friend scares you into being a slave for an imaginary being.


This sounds really contrived. The poem should've ended five lines ago, now this sounds awkward. Stop writing it, now.

DJ Higgins, why would you do this to your fellow man? Why do you hate us?
I imagine him sitting at a turntable, rapping:
"Rob the jewelry store, tell em make me a grill
Y-y-you-you didn't innerduce me to Je-je-jesus wickiwaw wickiwahwaw REMIX DeeJAY Hig-gu-gu-gins!"

"It seemed so real! I'm wet and shaky. Wait, where is my TV?"

She's just now noticing the hole in the window where the burglars escaped.

Mildred, assuming you are, as you say, Christian, in all likelihood Frances is already some denomination of some Abrahamic religion. Something tells me she's not Shinto. No need to tell her random facts about Jesus.

Blah, blah, 3:16.
Why is the accompanying panel to 3:16 always meaningless?

What just happened? Oh, I see. God's an ass. He decided to reveal all this to her after her friend died, so she'll feel guilty about this for the rest of her life. Why does God torture people who are already worship him? Just because they're foils for fundamentalists in the first three panels?

People don't "die instantly" in car accidents, they "die on impact". "Frances was okay, but a few minutes after the crash she realized what happened and up and died."

And no, she wasn't 'afraid' to tell her, it either slipped her mind or Frances was Christian anyway.

Okay, that blew. Why this undue anguish? The entire point is that you have to accept Jesus as your savior, right? Well, Mildred already did. So what then? Her friend dies, just so she learns a lesson. A loving God, you say?

What's the point of 'sharing the gospel' with someone who already adheres to that religion? That's stupid. That's like saying, 'you have to water these flowers every day,' but some one else watered them today, and you have to water them anyway.

What was the point of this tract? To make existing Christians suffer, even the imaginary ones. Pfft.

Chick should stop wasting panel real estate to advertise and just buy a billboard.

I've Chickitized Myself

Aside from the nose, this is what I'd probably look like in Chick's weird world. Actually, if I were in there I'd have the trademark Villified JewTM Nose. Eh, whatever. Go click on my profile pic and check it out.

Well, this isn't a true Chick parody, but I'll have another one up soon.

Hallowhat?

This is another weird, ADD-riddled take on Halloween. It did the work for me, read it for yourself. I'll use the standard running-commentary format this time.

I'm sorry if this seems redundant, but it seems that around 62% of Chick's comics are devoted to Halloween. It's fertile mockin' ground.

Oh, cool. How long does it take Jack to draw all these in Microsoft Paint?
---


"For only $50? Why, that's just a low introductory offer! If you call within the next ten minutes, you too can lodge your family at Camp Subtle Satan Reference! Call now."

Isn't he too old to, um, have class parties? Man, that would suck. You're just chilling, watchin' TV, being 46, sippin' a beer.... the phone rings. It's your homeroom teacher. "Bert," she says with a sticky sweet drawl, "You have a stable job and three kids, can you pay for our class party to rent an entire fucking camp? I'm sure it's no bother." You roll your eyes and get the phonebook. I wish I'd never dropped out of third grade, you think to yourself, pull your jeans back up, and go get another beer.

Oh, my god, you're kidding. Why can't these people just do their homework and pass 11th grade before the age of 43?

"Anyone who's anybody will be there! Personally, I won't, because I'm not anybody. I don't think Agent Moby will come either. We'll be back at the prison." -four-toothed grin-

Because 13 people were murdered less than a year ago here, and for some reason it didn't make national news! Or even local news! You don't say. I'd think in gasps too if I rented a vast expanse of land for a suspiciously low price and thought nothing of it.

"Did they get the killer? Holy shit, half my hair fell out. The rest is in a crazy afro around my cap." "They riddled him with bullets, but just got tired of chasing him around and decided they'd go find his body in the morning. Even if he was still alive and running, they went home and had a laugh about it afterwards." You'll see in a minute why it's not that surprising that the police were so blase about, you know, hunting down murderers.

Oh, okay! He ran away. Cool. An obviously supernatural being ran off into the wilderness after killing a bunch of people and was never found. So what? Hey, pass me the TV Guide; when is Rock of Love on?


Oh no, Carrie won't. She'll be locked up in her Prayer Closet because, ironically, her mother's a fundie. ...Dude, Agent Moby isn't liking this. His sharpied-on eyebrows are... furrowed? Maybe?
"What a way to end a party! Then we're going dogfighting! It totally isn't illegal or anything."

It's the Great Pumpkin, Jack Chick! Aww, he has a little pet snake on a leash. Is rotting-pumpkin mold a health concern for him?

"@!!!**! I forgot my chain saw! I can't see a damn thing out of the pumpkin on my head!"


Carrie is an androgynous, elbowless character who stabs cats on card tables. My bad. I guess she won't be in her prayer closet after all.

C R A S H ! Bzzzzz. -Whrrrrrr- *GOD* YAAAAAA!
He even installed himself a break-off Dynamic Entry panel. Vincent Price himself is scared.

Go-go-power-fundies! The mouse makes a cameo in this tract, playing the part of "Giregutor".

Here we are, at the Chick County Apathy Department.

Vinny the Rapist: There's another massacre going down at camp Basil Bub. Aww, we just finished cleaning the last one up. -sigh- Okay, I'll get the baking soda ready this time.

Chief Chokesondonut: Oh no, I'm not wearing my running shoes! Ah, well, we'll just let him run off like last time if I get a bunion or something. Hey, want to go to Whataburger afterwards?"

Oh, no. They lost him again. And Vinny's hat, too. "Holy gawdang, chief, have you been hitting the amphetamines lately?"

He must've run down that gorge. Dang, better luck next time. Okay, let's wrap this up, blah, blah, saints aren't responsible for murder victims, blah. Whataburger time!

What the-? Where's my Fang? Where? What is this?
That's nerve, Satan. You're peeking through windows, and call him a creep?

... wait, he didn't come anywhere. Satan came to him. Or, maybe the kid is thinking that. Or the Devil is a schizo. Anyway, looks like the kid has a disorder that makes him sweat profusely, frown, and emit light when someone says YAAAAA. Pavlov Kid, I guess.

Git offa mah farm! And downchu be comin' back now! Mayjik scene teleport, actuvate!

Pastor, blah religous fantasy Halloween bull. Is that true?

Nope, Joey. What a stupid question! I'm punishing you for saying stupid things to me with a long-winded, unrelated story.

So a huge Heaven Mutiny happened. And then for some reason Jesus assigned like a million names to Satan/Lucifer/Beezlebub/Devil/whatever. Hey, Satan? You can come in and listen along, if you'd like. Don't be a stranger, it's cold out!

-Yawn- Uh, yeah, so Satan.... uh... destroys stuff... and then.... uh...hey, you know what? Jesus made Hell. But he fitted it with a camera, so you can take these neato silhouettes of yourself next to a literal flaming pile of poop. Whose, I don't know.

You probably feel bad for driving 24 miles to get here, and having to park on a pond, and you're the only one here. Okay, now close your eyes and open your mouth.

The window speaks of Satan.

Kids love coming in from the empty void into your home, which is decorated with patterns like "Amoeba Party" wallpaper and "Mornin' Brain" door texture. "Aww, what a cute witch! And a scary devil! And some kind of diabolical shovel-handed monster in a dress holding the door open--you must be a princess! Here, have some M&M's."

Fun and scary indeed.

"As we get closer to the Second Coming, like we have been for the past 1,990 years, satanism will increase. So will human sacrifice! From 0 to maybe .05, or even .15 of a person a year!"

"It started in Jolly Old England, where those wacky Brits all carried Ankhs around and had large noses." I think I've seen this in a Monty Python skit before.

That night, druids would walk past a huge crocodile-skin purse, a milk waterfall, and over a piano keyboard into a time portal, where they stole women from the '50s.

Hi ho! Hi ho! Gath'ring sacrifices we go!

They would leave a smirking pumpkin, which would protect the house from imaginary death fairies that don't exist. Boy, people sure were gullible in 794 BC!

"Witchcraft is exploding among teens today, which is why I've included this graphic of a biker looking around a building where clearly witchcraft exploded some teens."

Satanic human sacrifices are a slap in God's face, and they hurt a lot if you're the victim, too!

Something that predates Christ is mocking it? I dunno, I'd think it's the other way around.

Jesus: Durr, look at me, I'm a Druid, durr. Hey guys, watch this!

Satan's making an offer you can't refuse. That giant band-aid on his shoulder is there for a reason. If you have lived in the United States of America for more than a month, you already know what it says. Cue 3:16.

If you are extremely gullible, but loyal, you will reign with Jesus forever in his Moon Castle!
But if you're a dummy, well, we don't want you! Go think for yourself! Humph!

"Laughing place"? Um, okay. Jack, stop watching Ghostbusters, get your stuff together, figure out a consistent way to draw Satan, then draw the tract.

"You violently disemboweled me at a class Halloween party with a chain saw to make me burn in fire forever! I.... I can't even find a phrase intense enough to express my anger! How about... You rat!"

"Got the picture" looks like a pun you haven't seen the other end of. A reference to his comics, maybe.
What? All that murderer buildup, and we don't even get a resolution? Cheap!
So, did the Chick County Apathy Department do anything about those yearly massacres? Did they enjoy their Whatachicken sandwiches? Will Bert get a refund on the campsite, and will he graduate fourth grade?

Who knows. If these little subplot tangents can't resolve themselves in a single comic, there's no way they'll be resolved elsewhere.